The Narcissistic Dream

dear you...

2009-01-14T06:29:00.000-08:00

I am so tired of hearing you complain about your life. You have it good and you know you have it good, but then why won't you just shut the hell up about how sad you are and how you can't get over it. Everyone around you keeps complimenting about how your life is so complete and you are just eating it up. You have a loving son, are getting ready to have a baby girl, you have a husband who loves you more than anything in the world...and even a damn dog. You may not be a millionaire, but you and your husband don't worry about how you will pay the bills and still have money left over to have a little fun with. There are people in your life that love you so much and would help if you just asked (I mean one of them even "donated" a nice chunk of money to the cause...he he he) so why do you dwell on and cry about the one that doesn't.

You constantly complain that you don't have enough friends in your life, but when people around you annoy you, or treat you badly even just once in joking, you write them off forever. You have no problem with the forgive aspect, but you are like a damn elephant remembering every damn thing.

You put on a great facade in relation to who you are and who you want to be, but don't you know that people can always see through it. They see down to the self conscious little girl you are who gets her feelings hurt when her son reaches out to daddy instead of her after a long time apart. Stop faking it. Live your life, its the only one you have...love your family, get over your problems, and move on. Know that there are things you can change and things you can't, and learn to let go of the ones you can't. Stop smiling on the outside and crying on the inside, switch them around sometimes. Take what the people around you say and feel, and appreciate that you have people in your life that care enough to observe that you are here, and you are alive.

And most of all...

How much is enough?

2009-01-14T06:19:00.000-08:00

How much money is enough to make you feel good on any given day. I am a stay at home mom and we are living on one "okay" income, so i have to admit, it doesn't take much for me to get geeked. If I find $5 in the bottom of an old purse I am so excited, and I might be happy all week. So today we got notice that we will be getting a check with a few 0's behind it in the next few days, plus im filing taxes early, so that should come not too far behind. This isn't working though. I'm still upset and stressed. I know we might have some left over after we close (if we do ever close) on this house, but it wont be much, and it really wont be enough to get ourselves out of our gaping hole of debt. Why is it that $5 will make me happy...but a few hundred just makes me dread waking up and having to deal with it. I feel like biggie and puff with this one...mo money, mo problems!!!

Atonement

2009-01-12T20:23:00.000-08:00

Him: New rule, no more talking about the old "us"
Me: Why not? Does it bother you that much?
Him: Because I don't like to talk about things I wish never happened.
Me: What do you mean? You wish we never happened?
Him: Actually yes
Me: WTF?
Him: I consider those my dumber days and I wish I could have just skipped them.

Tonight
Me: Do you really consider the time we were together to be your dumber days...do you really wish they never happened...
Him: (talking around the truth)...well...i wouldn't quite say-
Me: don't try to clean it up...Just tell me straight
Him: yes.

wow...that hurt alot, I felt the ball in my throat, and it was so hard to try to continue a conversation around it. I kept swallowing, trying to blink back tears...you never want to be tol dthat it is because of you that a person wishes they had never lived through a certain part of life.

To him...I'm sorry you feel that way. I was going through alot back then, some of which you wouldn't believe if I told you. I cared alot...but I didn't know how to show it. I equated love with sex, and sex with pain, so I was all screwed up. At 16-18 you didn't have the tools to show me any different so I did what I thought was best. I did what I wanted to do and used you like those before you used me. Now I am healed. I am a woman, I understand what I did, and why you feel the way you do. I wish you didn't, but theres no use crying over spilled milk, the past is over now. You are one of my best friends and I thank you for being able to put the past behind you and accept me for what I have become, and not what I was. I love you now, I always will, but i can't say I always did...because I didn't know what love was, and for that...I'm sorry I lied.

To me...hold your head up. It's gonna get better

I'm depressed...

2008-12-18T08:52:00.001-08:00

Like, not in the clinical "I need medication and therapy" way or anything, but in the "I'm just really sad, and i don't know what to do to get myself out of this mood." way.

I feel like everything that I am trying to do is wrong. I try really hard to make every one around me happy and to make their lives better, but at the end of the day i feel like I am left empty. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, because I know I have a good life. We aren't rich, but we are happy, I am loved, and I am able to do things for my son that make his life better. I have so many things that other people around me could only wish for, including the ability to stay home with my son so I don't have to leave him with anyone else, but for some reason I can't just dwell on those things. I can't force myself to smile when thinking about how i am lucky.

I don't know if its pregnancy hormones, or what, but every time I sit and think about it, I just want to cry. My health, and the health of my baby may be in danger. My mood and energy, and its impact on my son are clearly visible. We are trying to buy a house, and we have the money I guess, but it just never seems like its enough. I talk to my husband about it and tell him that i will just get a job and put my son in daycare, and he tells me no, that its not in our plans, but I cant feel anything but guilt when I have to call my mom and ask her for money to make our dream come true. I have no one in my life that I can just call and cry to. Everyone is in a worse positin than i am. How am I supposed to call and talk to you about my home-buying problems, or my stay at home comcerns when you are struggling to just make ends meet. this is what I mean. I am so blessed, and so lucky, and so secure that I feel bad complaining about it, and feeling bad about that doesnt do anything for my bad mood already. Sorry I've been babbling, I just don't know what else to do but pull the blanket over my head and cry...and I like to leave that up to my two year old son.

Pranks

2008-12-16T13:18:00.000-08:00

hubby and I watched this video, and we thought it was hilarious. the background story is that the kid peeked at his presents the night before and the mom found out, she then unwrapped the game, took it out and put clothes in instead. The next morning this kid just knows he's getting an x-box...and lo and behold...lmao.

We were thinking of other things that would be hilarious in that box...since we are nerds...most of them are dumb...but i thought if you read this, then you are a nerd too...so you might get a kick outta them...

1. Yesterday's clothes...

2. a bunch of tv dinners

3. girl's socks or something else thats not even for him...like "oops, we accidentally put your name on that

4. A note from santa with an IOU:1 xbox

5. a bunch of packing peanuts

6. a christmas present from last year

7. college textbooks

This is what happens when you are pregnant, sleepy, and can't get drunk...oh the joys of motherhood....

My son may kill my new baby

2008-12-16T12:58:00.001-08:00

Ok, as some of us know...I am having another baby.

Problem: My son is the typical spoiled only child

So I'm searching the internet and friends asking them all what should I do to try to get him ready for the new baby...

Solution 1: Start telling him its "his" baby. Get him excited to have a baby so that when the baby does come, he will be too excited that the baby is here to notice that he's really jealous.

---This is cool, my son took to this for like a week. He would get excited when we talked about his baby, but then every baby became his baby. He would randomly walk up to people's kids in the mall and start touching them all in the face. Now I am an over protective mom, and i couldn't blame these moms when they looked at me like "get your son, cause he's finna get kicked" cause I would have thought the same thing. So...needless to say...i have to find another solution...

Soultion 2: We got a teddy bear for my son that he can call his baby. This way, when mom is dealing with the real baby, he can deal with his baby.

---Maybe we should have waited to give it to him later, but my son is one of those kids whoo doesnt want what he has if you have something cooler, so we gave it to him right before thanksgiving. He was doing good with it, until my mom told us it was a baby doll...and my hubby got all self conscious. he started showing my son how to wrestle with the bear, and kick it across the room to seem manly...so...needless to say, that may not work, unless we get the baby a very good baby helmet...

Any other suggestions? My son is demanding, spoiled, and mine and my husband's baby. He's a momma's boy and daddy's boy..and he wants so much attention from everyone that he wont even let me and the hubby touch. lol. oh well, maybe we can just keep him in a nice 2 year old sized cage...what do you think?????

**note** the cage comment was a joke..i will never keep my son in a cage...at least not until he is a teemager and brings home his first hoochie talkin bout "mom, this is champagne. she's my girlfriend...then it will be to the cage son!!! **note**

Go win an AVON bag...I'm tellin you, its cute!!!

2008-12-13T20:08:00.000-08:00

I just stopped over at a blog I stalk often...Tanyetta's at Days Like These...now let me tell you, this woman is where i want to be...free trips to disneyland...throwing balls through holes on ellen...great mommy to a cute little boy and wife to a gorgeous husband...and mom to a daughter i would kick it with...hey, shes 21...not too young to kick it...and now....

She is holding this awesome giveaway for these two cute as he** bags...I'm sure they must have sent her three, cause Tanyetta has got to be keeping one for herself. I mean, I'm looking at these bags and thinking, i can have a new baby, and not have to carry one of those cutesy baby diaper bags around...I can surely use those pockets to hold a few binkies, wipes, and diapers. What, did you forget that I am a mom, and mom's stuff can't just be cute, it has to be functional too. Like my mom says...EVERYTHING HAS GOT TO HAVE TWO PURPOSES!! Anyway...you should stop on over to her blog to check out the bags, cause even though i could just put the pic here...you wont get the full effect until you also see that she is stuffing it full of lovely goodies.

Dear you...

2008-12-12T19:08:00.000-08:00

I miss you, a lot...and it was nice hearing your voice. I know my email may have seemed weird coming when it did, but I'd been thinking about you a lot, and when i told my hubby how much i missed you, he told me that i should send you a final e-mail to say goodbye..that's what that was, but that phone call recently, screwed me up. I cant stop thinking about you, and i wish i could remember why we are where we are in the first place. Its strange that when i think of you i get about 500 different emotions, but i guess that's what history does to you. Just last night I told my friend that we weren't talking anymore, and she said "again, you two keep going back and forth," and i realized, as i tried to justify why we were mad at each other, that she was right, we go through months of not talking, and then we are back again, inseparable. i know that you will probably never read this, and you probably dont even care whats going on in my head, thats the main difference between us...i care, you never do, but i want you to know that even though we may never become what movies say we should, i do love you, i do miss you, and i do think about you...every...damn...day!!!!

Update #1,267,847,895,678

2008-12-10T18:57:00.000-08:00

I know my posts have been super spoadic...its cause im busy, but this means that all of my bloggerville followers, yeah...all one of you, have been left in the dark. Well, let me begin at the most exciting...

1. I'm expecting...no, not a christmas present...i mean really expecting. I'm pregnant...and I'm excited. My baby is due on April 24th, and we just found out on Friday that its a girl. I'm excited about that (cause what person doesnt want a little boy and a little girl...I get one of each), but after thinking about it and watching him play, I wanted a little boy for my little boy. I know it may sound weird that i want to have a baby for my baby, but, i could just see them, the brothers...!!! the boys! oh well, he will just have to make due (sp??) with his little sister.

2. We moved, no, not into our dream house, we didnt get it...(thanks dan greenburg, worst loan officer in the history of the planet...who has since gone on to IT work). But no biggie. We moved into an apartment in the city that I want to live in...out of the ghetto..and into the ...suburbs?? Oh well, i dont know. but no break-ins, no crack pipes, no loud music and negros hanging outside drinking 40's all day and night...and best of all, no bullet holes in my windows...!!!!!!!

3. I cooked my 1st thinksgiving dinner, everyione who knows me in real life, knows that the chikin dont cook (oh yeah, everyone who knows me in the real world knows that i refer to myself as "chikin" and yes, i know the correct spelling is chicken...but what self respecting woman is gonna call herself chicken..? get real and get used to it). The ham was good, the turkey wings were ok, the dressing was good (but made by my MIL...he he he) and the macaroni and cheese was just embarrassing. ha ha ha...never get a mac and cheese recipe from the net, and never add onions to it...it was nasty!!!

I think thats it for now. I'm not gonna make any promises as to my appearance, but i will tell youif i feel the need to post something, i will, and if i dont, well, then i wont. Luv you all, and peace out!!

because I havent been here in a while

2008-12-07T09:21:00.000-08:00

And I thought this was kinda cute...You are supposed to bold the ones that you have done...i stole this from a blog I follow silently...written by Rashan

1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain--Kinda
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

I would like to do all of these one day, but for now i've got to settle with having only done 35 out of 99...

"Honey..Honey"...

2008-11-24T07:57:00.000-08:00

Is what I hear coming from my son's room this morning...Why you ask? well...when ever we are in a store (read: wal-mart or kroger) and I can't find my husband I start calling out "Honey...honey". Well recently I noticed that when my husband is nowhere to be found, my son also starts calling out "honey...honey". So this morning, from bed, my baby boy wanted his daddy...so he started calling his honey...his daddy. I hope I will remember this forever!!!

Finally...I am back...

2008-10-11T19:19:00.001-07:00

No internet and no computer make Me go crazy!!!!!!!

My alter ego

2008-10-10T19:19:00.000-07:00

My alter ego don't sweat the small stuff.
She just rises above stuff,
"Like what stuff?
It ain't even on my radar."

My alter ego is the epitome of sexy.
She don't need anyone to tell her she's sexy.
She already KNOWS she's sexy.
Do you feel me?

My alter ego is fearless
She don't even know what fear is.
Let on how to be fearful
She's give any hater an ear-full no matter who it is.

My alter ego is happy
She's always been happy
And she won't look for a person to make her happy
She's does fine on her own.

My alter ego is never lonely
Even when she is alone
And doesn't have a place to call home,
She knows she still has herself and that's all she needs.

I wish I was my alter ago
Carefree, brave, sexy, independent,
And blissfully happy.
But I'm not.

I wish I didn't throw a fit
When it seems like life
Gives me nothing but shit
But I do, everytime.

I wish I was brave enough
And strong enough
To believe if I work long enough
That things will work themselves out.

My alter ego is everything I wish I was
But nothing I ever want to be.
Because I'm starting to be okay,
With simply being me.

Wednesday...just get me past it

2008-09-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

Since everyone in the whole blogging world does wordles wednesdays...I figured i would be different this week (plus, I don't feel like searching through my millions of pics to find one)

So now, instead, I bring to you Weird Wednesdays...check it out, its fun and kinda cute.

1. Would you rather join the Ghostbusters to hunt ghosts or join the Sesame Street bunch? Why?
I would rather join the Sesame Street Bunch...Big ass puppets freak me out...but ghosts do it even more...Think of it as the lesser of two evils.

2. What is the most you are willing to do to get out of a police officer giving you a ticket?
Maybe flash him some cleavage, or pull a Jill taylor ala Home Improvement, and peek over the back of the seat with a short skirt...I'd get my ass chewed when I got home for flirting, but not as much as if i brought home a shiny new speeding ticket (because invariably, thats what my ticket would be for).

3. What popular movies do you find to be overrated?
I like the Harry Potter movies, but waiting outside all night is absolutely ridiculous...the movie will be playing tomorrow...Or better yet, just play hooky and go during a week day between like 10 and 2...believe me, no one is at the theatre then...Also, some movies that win awards, like American Beauty, Brokeback Mountain and the countless others that follow in those footsteps. Good movies, but don't tell me I'm gonna wanna smack my momma after I see it, cause if I don't get a momma smacking hankering...I'm gonna smak you.

4. What is in (and/or on) your bedside table?
On it are tons of dishes and chapsticks...in it, nothing, everything that was in it is now either packed in a box, or on the floor...I'm such a good housewife... :-\

5. Have you ever had or fantasized about having sex with a boss before? Have you ever acted on that fantasy?
Tee Hee Hee...no. All of my bosses have been women, older women, older women with bad breath...not sexy at all, but the loss management guy at the last job was a hottie, does he count...?

6. If you had a personal assistant, what would you have them do?
She'd (or he, I don't discriminate) would be my best friend...we would spend all day together, and i'd make them go with me to the movies. I like doing the little meaningless things in my life...Without those I'd have nothing.

7. Have you ever faked static, loss of cell phone reception or anything else on the telephone line to get out of a conversation?
Ha, I sure have...I think it is so rude to hang up on people...but not so much when my "phone does it" for me. And, if you have ever gotten tons of static from my phone and then gotten the clicky...It wasn't me, I do it to everyone but you...he he he.

Good gifts for a 2 year old for x-mas...

2008-09-23T20:05:00.000-07:00

I was told recently by both my mom and my mom-in-law that we need to start making p's christmas list so they know what to get him. I have no idea what to get him. I am so confused. Luckily he still plays with about 75% of the toys we got him last year for Christmas...and he still gets new toys all the time...(thats what you get when you are an only child of two only children.)

I am writing because I am sure some of you mom's out there have gotten your kids toys that they hated and toys that they love. Don't you wish some one had told you that that toy was crap, or that this other one would be a lifesaver... well then you should do just that...Let me know what toys stand out in your mind...This is your time to come on out of lurking and introduce yourselves...(come on...someone be there please). I'll start...

My son got this laptop for X-mas last year and can now identify about 10-15 letters by both the letter name and the name of the object that the letter starts with (apple for A). He will play with it for hours at a time and I'll often hear him behind me repeating the sayings.."I..ih ih igloo." He can easily switch between the 4 different game modes, but some are a little too advanced for him, like moving the mouse to chase the letter...hes not all that interested in that. He loves the songs and he has learned alot from this little toy.

See, now that wasn't hard...Your turn!!!

Have you ever noticed

2008-09-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that when you live in a tourist city, you never do the things that are considered the main attractions for that city. For example, I grew up in San Diego, but I can count on my hands the number of times I went to the San Diego Zoo, the Wild Animal Park and Sea World. It's a shame, and now that I live in Atlanta, I have never visited any of the civil rights monuments, i have never been to the zoo, or any of the millions of museums that Atlanta is famous for. In an effort to resolve this, my husband and i decided to take our son to the Brand New Georgia Aquarium (and it didn't hurt that we got free tickets) :-)

If you need a smile

2008-09-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

cause I sure do...check this out.....

http://thenarcissisticdream.blogspot.com/2007/09/my-fav-c.html

I couldn't stay away...

2008-09-21T07:21:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. I am back. I thought before that maybe I had outgrown this blog, but to my surprise, even after I started a new one, I still didn't want to post to it.

I have been so busy in the last few months. I dont even know where to start. Most people say lets start at the beginning, but I am going to start at the end. Today.... Well, actually last night. first, let me preface this by saying, the old saying of you can take the people out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the people is absolutely true. When we first moved to this complex it was nice, quiet, and a place where we felt we could comfortably live. Two years later and the place is horrible. A while back they started advertising for section 8 housing, (which is a good thing to the millions of people who need it, as long as they don't live near me.) and since then the apartment has turned into a virtual revolving door of contestnats playing "who can be more ghetto?" it started with the new downstairs neighbor playing his car radio as loud as it could go right outside of my son's room at 3 in the morning. When I asked him if he could turn it down or off, he replied, "Maybe I can, maybe I can't" (hmmmmm...asshole....).....and it ended last night, with us coming home to find broken glass on our bed.....hmm...I'll explain.

About a month back someone broke into our apartment and after walking all over our home, decided that the only thing they wanted was my husband's video game collection. Luckily thats all they took, but still, there was someone in my home, who took something from me....grrrr...so imagine my terrified-ness (is that a word?...not sure...but anyway) when we get home to find glass on our bed. Well, I notice our window is broken after a while (give me a break...black girls can be blond too) and think that THEY have come back, except, the hole is up towards the top of the window and it doesn't make any sense why someone would break it up there...My husband thought it was because the police found some of the stuff at a pawn shop...and therefore had the pawner's (another non word?) name and he was thinking that maybe they arrested the guy and it was a friend's revenge....but like I said it didnt make any sense...Well anyway, I cleaned up the whole bed and the room and got the glass up and told Husband I would call the leasing office in the morning.

So, this morning, I wake up and just to reassure myself, go out onto our balcony to see if there is any obvious evidence (oh yes, did i mention that we live on the third floor and the way they broke in before was to climb up my balcony? No...? Well yes, apparently our intruders were part man, part monkey.) So anyway, I go out to see, and I notice a hole opposite the broken window. Hmm, hole...I wonder what this could be....I peek through the hole...clean through to the other side.....hmmm.....I wonder...then it hits me. A BULLET CAME THROUGH MY WINDOW LAST NIGHT!!!! I doubt it was intentional, but this is even scarier...this means that a stray bullet came through my window, and the odd thing is, the hole in the wall on the balcony is my head height, and the broken glass section is my husband's head height...What if one of us had been home, standing in that area...We could have been shot. This is aboslutely terrifying for me. Luckily we are trying to buy a house, and should hear something back by monday or tuesday, but still, how can I live in a house that I really don't feel safe in anymore?

Well, this got to be longer than I expected...so i'll save the rest for later, including (...but not limited to) our house woes, my son's b-day party(complete with pics), and much more.

Yo, yo, yo!!!

2008-04-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

I'm back peeps, for a limited time only. How come no one told me that a child can start the terrible two's early? How come they also never told me that this entails that everything in the apt. within his reach will be thrown into either the trashcan or the toilet? Well, whoever's responsibility it was to tell me...dropped the ball, and when I find them I'm gonna kick em.....

Reunion?

2008-04-03T12:31:00.000-07:00

*~*SexySassyShapely*~*Today I spoke to a friend that I haven't spoken to in a long time.

It was nice.

I really missed you friend.

What were you doing in 3rd grade?

2008-04-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

Were you plotting with a group of your classmates to kill your teacher? Well, there is 11 kids in Waycross, GA who did just that.

For those of you that don't know the story...11 3rd graders planned to kill their teacher after she disciplined one of them for standing on a chair. The children brought handcuffs, a steak knife, duct (duck...lol) tape, ribbon, and a 5 lb large crystal paperweight. Each child had a job to do including luring the teacher into the trap and one even assigned to clean up the blood after wards. Now granted, these children are all special needs children, so their thought processes may not be as advanced as a group of regular third graders, but does that make it even better? Oh, and they used the oldest excuse i the book....."The TV made me do it."

Why do parents allow the TV to raise their children and then get surprised when the TV does a bad job? Isn't that why we are parents, because we wanted the chance and opportunity to mold someone after ourselves, and to raise a productive member of society? And doesn't the fact that they are special needs kids imply that they need that much more supervision and explaining as to the mechanics of TV? The children are too young to be charged with a crime, but I think that the parents should have to eat the punishment on this one. What do you think?

What time is it???

2008-04-03T08:13:00.000-07:00

It's time to stop equating professionalism with dress codes, skin color and testosterone.
It's time to realize that anyone can get an MBA with enough time and student loans.
It's time to stop worshipping brands.
It's time to replace governance and ethics with right and wrong.
It's time to realize that the streets and the suites have a lot to learn (from each other, too.)
It's time to stop living and working in boxes, checking off boxes, staring into boxes, fitting into boxes, and wondering why we can't think outside of boxes.
It's time to stop serving money and making gods.
It's time to get back to reality and out of Reality TV…

**I stole this from another site...but when I read it, it made me smile and nod my head at almost every line. I changed minor details to make it more relevant, but either way, it fits.**

Chrisette Michele - Golden

2008-04-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to give you all a taste of the shiz that's playin on my bootleg iPod at the moment. I love this woman and I love her voice, listen to it. (The lyrics aren't all perfect, but they are close enough to give you an idea as to the beauty of the song)

Just listen to that voice...OMG!!! What do we as consumers value as good music? Why do those people who have no talent sell millions, and this woman is struggling to get her 1st platinum...It's a travesty. Go buy her album...It's called I Am. I promise, if you don't love it (and you actually know good music), I will buy it from you.

P.S. No, I do not know Richard or Mariah aka 2feetb bka raindrop!!! if you don't get it, then you didnt follow directions.

P.P.S. I am playing this song when I finally get my wedding...Don't jack my shiz readers or I will come and find you!!!

3

2008-04-02T07:28:00.000-07:00

Inspired by this, I decided to go on a little weight loss journey myself. I started on Friday and weighed myself and decided right then and there that this shit would not fly. I won't tell you all my previous weight right now...Maybe another day, but I will tell you all that in the few days since I started, I have exercised, I have eaten less, and watched what I ate, and gotten someone to support me and motivate me (thanks Gary) and I lost 3 lbs....Very proud of myself...Time to pat myself on the back...

Anyone out there wanna be my other weight loss buddy??? Just lemme know!! Ok, luv ya...bye

Blog + Etiquette = ???

2008-03-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

Hey, I have a question.

When someone leaves you a comment asking a question, where do you answer it?

Do you answer it in the comment and get in the way of other people who are trying to comment on your post?

Do you answer it in the comments on their page...For example, post the answer to their question about global warming on the comments for thier daughter's 1st b-day party...and confuse all of the other commenters?

Do you go through and e-mail them the answer, I guess this would be the choice that makes the most sense, but its a lot of work, and frankly, im lazy...

So, I guess my real question is whats the most accepted method to answer a question, secondary to just e-mailing them???

And until I find out.......Tanyetta: It's in my blog code, if you want, I can e-mail the section to you.

I am ashamed to even write this...

2008-03-28T11:35:00.001-07:00

But my husband and I have been drawn into the addiction known as World Of Warcraft. I hate even having to say that, but they say that the 1st step to fixing a problem is admitting that you have a problem.

So here goes:

My name is [ME] and I am addicted to World Of Warcraft. Now maybe I can get some help.

Thanks alot [you know who you are], too bad we couldn't have played together..

just curious...

2008-03-18T17:42:00.000-07:00

Would you think less of a woman if she put up with her husband's bad behavior?

For those of you that follow the televangelist community, you have heard of the whole Juanita Bynum case. Well, for those of you that haven't, she is the televangelist, famous for telling women to leave abusive and dead-end relationships, whose husband whooped her ass in an Atlanta hotel's "public" parking lot. Well, as of like a month ago, they decided to reconcile. WTF???? Now maybe its just me and my domestic abuse employment history, but when a man has the balls to hit you at all in public, its probably because he has done it before in private, and it has become a way of life. What do you all think. Now this Bynum chick seems like she is a pretty intelligent, successful and stable black woman, so what the hell is going through her mind?

What about Hillary Clinton? We all know the story of her husband's indiscretion. I mean, hell, to those people old enough to really remember, it was like he cheated on us all with Monica. And what about that other woman...I can't remember her name, but she came out around the time Monica debuted that blue dress with the "spot," so as you can imagine, she is pretty inconsequential. Plus, the many women we never found out about. But anyway. Do you think less of Hillary because she stayed with Bill after it all...? I mean, I'm all for staying down for your husband, and I think its that fleeting feeling of companionship that's whats wrong with marriage these days, and i have even had to admit to myself, that if my husband ever cheated on me, and was truly sorry and truly showed me that it would never happen again, I would stay with him. He would have tons of work to do, but I believe that everyone makes mistakes and once is a mistake...twice or more is a habit.

This is the main reason why in this whole presidential race, I couldn't vote for Ms. Hillary...I saw her acceptance of her husband's multiple infedilities as a major weakness, maybe even a sign of dependancy.

A friend of mine brought to mind that sticking with something that is difficult in a time of adversity is what would make a good president. But I don't think so. I think that sticking with something when you know that you shouldn't is why the hell we are fighting this horrible ass war now. I think that as opposed to determination in a president, I want someone who knows when to give up. She talks of ending a war that was obviously a mistake, but she won't end a marriage that has been plagued by many.

Another friend brought up the point of what if she decided that she wanted to wait until she got to the pinnacle of her political career before she divorced him, you know, politics and family being as intertwined as they are. I truly believe that this is what happened, which is why for the most part I don't think of her as a weak woman, but rather a dishonest one. I believe that their marriage is a front, perhaps she knew that she would never make the presidential seat as a divorced woman, and what better position for the first female pres. than as the wife of the former pres.? And I respect her for her decision, but this in turn means that she is a liar...

Please remember, these are my views. My own personal views. If you feel the need to attack them, please do so, but do not attack me. I am a human and an american and I am able to speak my mid because of such. If you have any opposing views, opinions, thoughts, anything...please feel free to leave a comment detailing them...but lets all act like adults, k?

2008-03-18T06:05:00.000-07:00

I have been in love (more than once)
I have had a man call me merely to tell me I was beautiful
I have had the smartest man know, tell me that I am the smartest woman he knows(lies or not I still liked it)
I've had sweet things said to me that made me blush and tingle
I've had someone who cares hold my hand and tell me that everything is going to be ok
I've had a child kick me from the inside
I've been surprised with my favorite flowers, wrapped in my favorite color ribbon, just because
I've never had my birthday or valentine's day or an anniversary forgotten or ignored
I have been served breakfast in bed (granted it was McDonald's breakfast, but breakfast none the less
I have been given chocolate for no apparent reason
I have had moments of joy, so intense, I thought my heart would burst (<----stole this from someone, but it's true)
I've been told that i was someone's world
I've laughed until I cried and wet my pants (<----shhhhhhhhh)
I have danced with the man I loved while everyone else watched
I have been kissed by a stranger
I have woken up from a dream where the one I loved left me, only to wake up and find that he's still there
I have been told "you are not good enough" by one, and told "you are better than good enough" by another
I've walked into a room and heard my name screamed by a bunch of people (then been tackled by said people)
I have been kissed in my sleep froom both of the men in my life
I have had someone watch me sleep, and upon awakening been told every thing I did in my sleep made him smile (while also describing every I did)
I have been made love to until i cried, and then had the tears kissed from my cheeks.
I have been told that I was special by the one I thought was special.
I have been designated songs on the radio
Druing the song playing on the radio, I have had the designator knock at my door only to see my reaction.
I have had the most handsome man I know, walk up to me, smile and kiss me for no other reason than for being alive (you know I'm talking about my son right???)

Life isn't always perfect...but when it is you should take those moments and put them away for the bad days. Treat your life like a dreamcatcher...keep the good, destroy the bad.

SAHM excitement

2008-03-17T10:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, those of you that know me, know that I am not the one to clip coupons very much. So last weekend I sat down and decided to actually look through the newspaper and get soe coupons. I had been carrying them around and telling myself that I was gonna use em (which by the way is that same thing that happened with my coupons that I just cleaned out of the car that expired in 9/07), so finally I went to the store with the hubby on Sunday and did a bit of grocery shopping. I normally love to give the woman my kroger plus card at the end of her ringing me up so I can watch the total go back down. I know, I know, I'm a loser. So, before the kroger card it was $111.68 (OMG!!!!), I give her the card, and the total goes from that to (drumroll please) $84.56, then I give her my handfull of coupons... and the coupon goes down to (even bigger drumroll please) $55.14. HAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!! That was like 50% off my total bill.

Oh yeah, and on the way out of the store while staring at my receipt in disbelief, I noticed that they overcharged me like $6.00, and you know I went back into my store to get my $6.00 back...lol...sorry ya'll...you can take the girl outta the hood, but you can't take the hood outta the girl. :D

So really my total was $47.99 after tax on that overcharge.

From $111.86 to $47.99 with my kroger card and my coupons....I'm hooked.

I just realized...

2008-03-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

that my son will have the same relationship with VHS that I had with records.

I mean, I saw them at my grandparent's house and under the cabinet at my parents house, but I thought they were frisbees or something. There were never any record players, and I truly still don't really get them.

He just brought me my prized little mermaid vhs tape, and sat o my lap, and tried to read it like a book. lol...A frisbee and a book...well, at least we are a creative family.

My life

2008-03-14T12:59:00.001-07:00

Today I have to go run errands, but unlike you moms that get to easily strap your kids into hte carseat and hop into your 4-door (or 2-door if ur too cool to be a real mom ...lol) love child, I have to go take the bus. I am still working on getting my license and because of this, I don't have the car and I get nervous when husbad tells me to take his car. I mean if I get pulled over when i have my license, I'll get a ticket...if I get pulled over without a license, I go to jail, they take the car, call the owner (my husband's parents) and I get in tons of trouble, not to mention being embarrassed by my own stupidity. <---see the difference?? Ayway, so I have to take the bus, which entails carrying my son ad his stroller and his bag down 3 flights of stairs (very hard without at least one extra hand), and walking 1/2 mile to the bus stop. Oh well...the things we do fr life.

But really my life isn't that bad. I've noticed that. Compared to some I have it pretty damn easy...but I still need something to bitch abaout....so sue me!!!!!!!!

Did ya know.....???

2008-03-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

(things I learned this week)

Reaching into a still hot dishwasher and even grazing your hand along the bar in the bottom can lead to a really bad burn?
It only costs about $500.00 to do a DNA test to trace your lineage...and yet still, mor of us have that new $500.00 cell phone than info about our history?
That you can get a free credit report from each of the credit reporting agencies just by going to http://www.annualcreditreport.com/?
That you can dispute anything on your credit report and have it removed if you send enough letter and get on enough nerves?
That NO-ONE at Sallie-Mae speaks understandable english?
If you leave milk out over night and blast the heater, it is yogurt in the morning?
That its much easier to just sit and watch Tyra than to get up and do laundry, but if you are the only one that does it you have to do it anyway?
That if you are on a diet, eating a huge salad before the meal portion will make you actually eat less, but poop more?
That it only takes a 1 year old 3.2 seconds to completely ruin a really cute outfit with spaghetti sauce?
That if you buy a plane ticket in advance (after checking every single damn website out there), that you could get a roundtrip ticket from GA to CA for under $150.00?
That thin mints cookies aren't as good as I remember them being?
That if a 1 year old finds a life saver in your purse he will run to the nearest corner and try to eat it quickly...and you won't even notice until you hear the crunching and his breath smells like lemons?
The movie 'I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry' is freakin hilarious...
That when you get bored....you will write almost anything...lol.

Love you all...TTYL

★My baby pooped on the potty for the 1st time★

2008-03-11T07:56:00.001-07:00

And I wasn't here to see it. Grrrr. I have stayed at home for the past year and a half with my son because it was important to me to be there for all of his firsts. I didn't want to miss out on anything that was going on in my son's life. I saw his first tooth pop through, his first smile, the first time he sat up, stood up unassisted, crawled, his first steps, his first word, (his first curse word lol,)and every other first that we as mothers suck up like crack....but I missed his first poopy.

It makes me so sad. Any mom will understand why. This time of potty training is a high time for a child. It is his last step from babyhood to big-boy-hood. He walks, he talks, but you still have that one link. You still have to go to the baby section in Wal-Mart. He gts his toys, his clothes, his food from the children's/toddler's sections but he is still your baby. It's exciting that he's taking this step...but still slightly sad.

And its even worse when you miss it. I guess this is the pain of being a non-constant stay at home mom. I am out of the house for 10 hours a week now, and after all of this time I feel that I deserve it, but it breaks my heart.

While sitting in class last night my husband calls me to ask if I'm on break yet, I wasn't but I figured it was important so I left class. He told me that my boy made a poo-poo and a pee-pee on the potty (excuse my language, I promise, I don't call it that in my daily life). I'm happy that daddy was here to be a part of it, and I would definitely rather it be with daddy than at some baby sitter's or daycare center. BUT I STILL WISH IT WAS ME!!!!

Have any of you mommies or daddies missed an important part of your children's lives? What was it? Did you feel like I do?

While the rational side of me understands that there are bigger things that a parent can miss, and that on the list of them, poop really isn't all that important (lol), it still breaks my heart. I'll be ok...I promise...TTYL

A bit off topic...

2008-03-11T07:55:00.001-07:00

Subject: Superdelegates?

Hi,

You've probably heard about the "superdelegates" who could end up deciding the Democratic nominee.

The superdelegates are under lots of pressure right now to come out for one candidate or the other. We urgently need to encourage them to let the voters decide between Clinton and Obama—and then to support the will of the people.

I signed a petition urging the superdelegates to respect the will of the voters. Can you join me at the link below?

http://pol.moveon.org/superdelegates/?r_by=-9095015-eRvktw&rc=paste

Thanks!

This is so sad!!!

2008-03-10T07:54:00.000-07:00

What would you do if your daughter was raped, sodomized, and molested 2-3 times a week for over a year? What if she was only 7 years old? What if she was a special needs child? What if this happened on a school van?

This is a heartbreaking case thats going down in Ohio. A 7 year old special needs child was raped 2-3 times a week on her special needs school van by a teenager who had previously shown signs of hypersexuality. She was the youngest child on the bus, the only little girl, and the only black child on the bus and the busdriver put her in the back left corner of the bus surrounded by teenaged boys.

Since there is no way I could explain it all, and give this girl and her family the justice they deserve, watch the video

The little girl's mother is trying to plan a march in their hometown. Keep your ears open, and if you can't go, at least support her in her efforts. Lets see how long it takes for this case to catch on with the mainstream media. What happened to this little girl is horrible, and a horrible look at what our society is becoming. When a 7 year old girl can't get justice because of laws made, then who can???

**Note: The woman was on the warren ballentine morning radio show, and there she said that she found out about it when another child saw something. The boy had told the little girl that he would kill her and her family (mom and 9 children in total) if she told.**

My career goals

2008-03-07T05:56:00.000-08:00

When I grow up I wanna be.........hmmm........well the best way to explain it would be to ask...Have you all seen Gothika with Halle Berry? I'll take the deafening silence as a yes. Well, if not, you should definitely see it, very good. (I saw it my freshman year in college with a friend...and when he told me that what Halle Berry did was stupid I decided that I couldn't date him. lol. Sorry Lance!!! You lost a good one. lmao.) I basically want to do what Halle Berry did in the movie (she was a psychologist/psychiatrist in a mental home), only difference is that I would like to do it with children and would like to work in the juvenile justice system.

You know, I would like to talk to children who commit arson, murder, vicious assault, armed robbery, and other horrible crimes. After studying psychology for so long, and really studying children, you learn that the socialization process starts at home starting at birth, and that most criminals commit crimes because of a problem with their initial socialization. I would love to study that, I would love to live among that.

I still have no idea what educational path I am going to take.

I could either go ahead and graduate from Devry with my degree in Criminal Justice, and then go on to get my Master's degree from some other school in Psychology.
I could graduate from some other school with a degree in Psychology and minor in Criminal Justice and then go on to get my Master's in Psychology.

Any ideas...any suggestions..what about you "Anonymous"????

Well, I gotta go now, homework to do...luv you all...TTYL!!!

Back on my way

2008-03-06T08:11:00.000-08:00

Wow...It has been over a month since I've even logged in to this darn thing. First I would like to apologize to my readers. I know my life already isn't exciting at all, but I suppose many of you would rather read this crap then nothing at all...

So, There is no way I could summarize everything that has happened to me in the past month, so I won't even try. I'll just give you all the top 3...

#1. I re-started school. Yep...my daddy's favorite failure has finally gotten tired of sitting at home doing nothing so I decided to go to Devry for a few semesters to get my GPA up so I can graduate from an actual college. Lol j/k!!! I am majoring in Technical Management with a concentration. in Criminal Justice. It sounds really important but really its not. It just means that they are gonna stuff business and technology classes down my throat and give me a few Criminal Justice classes to pique my interest.

#2. I have started using the Nuva Ring. Husband and I have been searching for a new birth control to use, no more babies for us any time soon hopefully!!!!

and #3. I went to my 1st Concert style thing since Jr. High. Husband, Husband's cousin, Husband's cousin's girlfriend (Sheniqua's boyfriend's brother's homeboy's cousin's girlfriend's baby daddy tole me......lol), and I went to the Steve Harvey show with Special guest Mo'Nique. As a big(ger) girl, I love her, I love the way she makes me smile. the way that in a world where everyone wants to be a size 0 (note: 0 is not a size) she is happy, healthy, beautiful and confident at whatever size she is and she encourages women to do the same.

Well, those are the biggest things. See, all of that in a month, My life is turning around, yes!!! Lets hope so. I will be back tomorrow....I promise....

Love, ME

2008-01-29T13:20:00.001-08:00

I have noticed in recent months that my entire family is pretty much useless to me. Yeah there are a few of them here and there that I would pee on if they were on fire, or heck, even claim them as my own, but not many. Just to start, the entire paternal side of my family is pretty much expendable. I mean, honestly, I have an aunt and uncle that are both very prominent in their careers, (one is a former vp at coca-cola, and
the other is a big-wig at IBM) and they both live less than 15 minutes away from me, but the last time I saw them was August of 2006. My paternal grandparents visit them regularly, along with my other aunts and cousins, and although none of them have seen my child or my husband (and not even me in YEARS), they never reach out, I never get a visit, a birthday or Christmas card, or even a phone call to let me know they are in town. So I say loud and proud, SCREW THEM!!!

Now my mother's side is something else altogether. These are the women and men that took advantage of and stole from my grandfather, no, not in his elderly age, I'm talking about after he passed away in July. One aunt openly took all of the money and credit cards from his wallet, while another used the 'stolen' card number to buy things for her new house and plane tickets. Another aunt merely stopped paying the money that she borrowed from my grandfather (that was also paying the mortgage on one of the many properties that my grandfather owned in his healthier days) because she just didn't want to anymore, and this isn't just a few hundred or even a few thousand, but rather a few hundred thousand (no my grandfather wasn't rich, just very generous and would give his right arm to you if you really needed it and he could cut it off alone). These few horrible, horrible women are not without their male and child counterparts, but to type the foul and disgusting things these people have done would put on many more national watch lists. I will give you one example, I have a cousin, who has told me and other family members, not in fits of rage but in normal daily conversation that he would take pleasure in killing me, my son, and my husband. This stems from a childhood of jealousy and an adult argument that my husband (nicely and respectfully) tried to break up (I mean honestly, this cousin of mine is easily 6'3 and upwards of 350 to 400 pounds, would you want your wife fighting with him over washing dishes?).

In having a family that is in retrospect, not worth the carpets they rode in on, I have come to adopt my husband's family as my own. His cousin Nolin became my cousin Nolin, his cousin Randy became my cousin Randy, his mom and dad now claim me as not only their daughter-in-law, but also their daughter. It finally feels nice having a family full of people who actually care about my happiness and well-being, and while I know my family is not the worst there is out there, I as a decent person and a good human being deserve to have a better lineage of ancestry behind me.

Strange and Different

2008-01-22T12:53:00.000-08:00

I have a host of strange hobbies which include knitting small afghans, crocheting doilies, and searching the internet for information on the kkk. Now this may not be so strange if I were an 80 something year old southern white woman (not that its correct for 80 year old southern white women to be interested in the kkk, but much more believable and I suppose slightly more understandable than a 22 year old black woman scouring the net for the same information) but I am not. Why then do I live my life as a series of vast contradictions? Becoming interested in reading the George Bush autobiography while at the same time spewing reason after reason for why he must be not only impeached but also burned at the stake (that one line just put me on an FBI watch list), Seeking information on the KKK while also sporting my black power shirt with my fist held high and my water drenched, and dog attacked ancestors right behind me, Trying hard to understand diferent organizations and lifestyles such as NAMBLA, Al Qaeda, Peta, and other such groups ranging on the vast scale of controversary from nearly non-existant to mind blowing. I'll tell you why, because in our life and times, we live in a culture so based on magnifying our differences and similarities for everyone to see and examine and never truly trying to get to know anyone or anything. It is so easy to hate something or someone that you don't understand, and so hard to put your animosity and bad feelings aside and take the time to understand or get to know someone who is different from you or whose ideals and culture you may not truly agree with. I like to think that this is my own little form of "being the bigger person." Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Either way, it satisfies me.

2007-12-18T14:19:00.000-08:00

So, this whole recent fascination with lists by the entire literate public has finally consumed ya girl...I had a friend ask me what my infatuation with Chris Brown is all about. I mean in all seriousness, he's like 10 (lol), no really, but he's younger than I am. he's not really my type, he's so pop, but still, I am so in love with him. I am taken back to my 8th grade days when I had my walls plastered with posters from Tiger Beat and Teen People, and while I search the internet for te newest picstures and facts about him I imagine myself at one of his concerts, front and center, loving it...then I look over and my teenaged daughter is there, and my boobs are down to my knees, and everyone else is at least a foor shorter than I am, and I am jerked back to reality.
Well, anyway...Here is my list as to why I am in love with Chris Breezy...lol:

*He takes me back to my Michael Jackson-loving days. Granted, I was only like 10 when the whole child molestation came out, which was the beginning of Mike's decline, but I remember the Michael Jackson music videos and how you would get all happy and sit real close to the tv and try to learn the moves...but I never could cause I don't have any rhythm...lol, well, sometimes just watching Chris "dance" makes me want to put my nose to the screen all over again and study those moves real hard.

*He is so cute. Now I don't like light skinned brothas too much...(note: my man is one lightbulb away from walkin into a wall), but there is something about his youth, his complexion, his little tiny body...that makes me swoon.

*That smile. That same smile that made me melt the day I met my husband. The same smile that made me kiss him even though he annoyed the hell outta me. The same smile that I said yes to when he asked me if I still wanted to marry him. The same smile that I wake up to every day, is the smile that is present on Chris Brown's face. I love it.

*His swagger. He doesn't really try to be something he isn't. He doesn't try to be a gangsta-leanin', rap-slangin', bitch and ho-callin', cool-ass, pretty boy...He just is what he is. I mean, he will be the first to tell you, that once he got older he tried to emulate the NY boys with their swagger, but he will also let you know that he grew up in the little town of Tappahannock, VA...and take it from a girl that went to an all white school only until 6th grade, the lessons that you learn in childhood are hard as hell to shake.

*The way he treats his mom...I saw an interview with them, and while I'm all for respecting your parents to the utmost, they were so natural. They flowed like a river and fit together like a puzzle. they were more than parent and child, they were like friends, and please, don't believe I'm so disillusioned that I actually believe that they are always like that, but it was cool to see that.

Ummm, thats all I can think of for now...But isnt that enough...? Watch this video and tell me this isnt the cutest, sexiest, most tasty little boy in the whole world...As Husband's cousin says...I would teach that boy a thing or two...lol

It's never easy the second time around

2007-12-18T09:00:00.001-08:00

So, I'm trying to get back on track with this whole blog thing again. But here I am again a day behind, its ok though. Last night was pretty uneventful, we took my son to get his hair cut. His first haircut was rough, but this one was absolutely ridiculous. My poor baby cried through the whole thing. Luckily Husband's uncle cut it, so he was ok with him crying, but my boy didnt stop until the very end when Uncle started brushing his with the hair-brush-away-thing (look, i'm not a barber, give me a break). Now my baby boy looks like a little bald-headed girl. lol. We then went to Wal-mart, my home away from home to finish getting our christmas presents. Last week we got my MIL a countertop griddle that she wanted for X-mas, and when we went to Wally World again last night, it was on sale...almost half off. Grrrr, thats why I love Wal-mart, but also why I hate shopping. So, as u can guess we are gonna go get our price adjustment hopefully tonight. Looks like we aren't gonna get Christmas shopping done until sometime this weekend. Oh well, we still have a few more years that we can get away with this. As long as the boy doesn't really get it we are home free... Well, I have tons of cleaning to get done, and I also have to get dinner started, so I guess I'll be back a little later.

Love me or Hate me...My Updates!!!

2007-12-17T09:15:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well...Do you know how hard it is to start back writing an account of your life when you have missed over a month already. This is not the first time I have sat down in front of my comp with the intentions of writing it all out and bringing you into my life, but this may be the time that it actually happens. I should be cleaning. We will have guests this weekend, and the house is a mess, but sadly, thats when I do my best writing. My son is behind me playing with his toys so that should give me maybe 10 minutes. lol, its a damn shame.

So...Where do I start? I've already filled you in on my anniversary so I'll try my best to remember chronologically what has happened since then. Thanksgiving was nice. Uneventful. My son started trying to stumble around and walk. That was exciting, you wouldn't imagine the looks you get when you tell people that your son is 1 and still not walking, so sadly his father and I were trying to push him to walk. Well, as you can imagine, aside from a little stumbling and "creative falling" he didn't start that day.

We went to the baby shower of my husband's cousin and his wife, and it was nice. It was at his wife (Ashlei)'s parents' house, and OMG, it was beautiful. Definitely close to the dreams James and I have for ourselves. She was even a pretty pregnant woman. However for some reason, I think that carrying boys makes black woman half of what they usually are. It darkens their skin, spreads their noses, thickens and darkens their necks...it definitely goes away after the baby, but until then, it makes you happy to know that you aren't trying to pull a man...lol. Anyway, back to the baby shower. It was very nice, and as usual, the men were banished to another room where James, his cousins Chris and Vernoris, and my baby were hanging out. James had to keep walking around with P all day cause he wouldn't have it any other way. And guess what happened...he still wouldn't let go and walk by himself. lol. We went home that night, and while I was in the bathroom, P comes walkin in...no holding anything, no support, just walking in. I smiled and called James, and P got spooked and fell, but on November 24th, my baby took his first true steps...and he's been walking since then. I got a video for my mom, which you all know will be put on here in a few days, once I figure out how to get it done. lol

I regained confidence in men and my husband's cousins for the first time in my life. He and his girlfriend went through the same thing me and james went through here, and they came out of it. She called me crying and I didn't know how to console her other than telling her to hold on to her man. I told her that it happened to us also, and what I did to help us through it. Apparently whatever she said or did worked, and I wish them many more years of happiness.

My ber is going through something I guess. This may be the longest part, because I want to write this without offending anyone, so I may use some extra words as padding when necessary. Now let me start off by saying that I do not in any way dislike, discriminate against or otherwise "hate on" homosexuals at all. And I am of the mindset that homosexuality is ingrained. I believe that its something that you are born as, and not something that you become. I also believe that in today's society it is much cooler for women to be gay then it is for men to be gay, and that female homosexuality has become a trend that even truly straight women dabble in sometimes, and that it is fine to do that, but its even more of a reason why we are not/should not be categorized by our sexuality. Because, for example, I am merely Me...I have been with women, and I love the form and shape of a woman, but I am married to and truly in love with my husband, a man. And I do not consider myself to be bisexual, because on any day, I would take a man over a woman. And I believe that to a true bisexual it would be more like a decision between someone 5'8 or 5'9...they would need to know the person, male/female, wouldn't matter. Now you have been all up in my business for long enough, back to the Ber. So, after an entire life of straight-ness, with no attractions to women or anything, she decided that she is a lesbian. And not just any lesbian, but the butch, short hair, dominant, sex-crazed, completely opposite of her old self, lesbian. And I know that sometimes some women can change at times in their lives, and be truly happy, but I feel something in my soul that just doesn't feel right. But anyway. In the past year, I have seen Ber put her children behind her happiness. And I as a woman, mother, and someone's child, feel like that is never ok. She loves her children, I would never say that she didn't, but just that she has been making some very self-serving decisions. As I type, she is now ( I believe) still in Washington with her "chick", a married woman who is also selfishly thinking of only herself. Her happiness, her needs, and never what Amber needs, she gave her a vacation, which she wanted, but in that vacation forced her to leave her children at home with a man whom Ber herself believed would hurt her child, to the extent of getting a restraining order against him less than a year ago, just so she could have 2 weeks with her in her hometown in the home that she and her husband share. The original plan was to go for 6 months, and I begged Ber not to go. I told her that she'd be missing so much of her children's life, for some woman. I mean, I could never see myself leaving my child to go spend time with a married man, no matter what the situation was. But she is an adult, and while the rest of us were allowed to make stupid decisions in our youth, she decided to get married, and have children, and now she wants to regain that, there is nothing I can say or do to her to sway her. I love her, but for this portion of her life, I will have to love her from afar.

I found out that a friend of mine had a baby. Congrats to him and his "girlfriend." Baby Tirianna is a lucky and beautiful baby girl.

I also found out that My girl Tyra is having an itty-bitty. No word yet on what the baby is, but I wish her the best of luck. Enjoy it grl...

I have once again been told that I have lost a friend...I am so tired of begging for friends. I live a lonely life, and I assume I will have to remain this way until the day I die. It's hard for me to trust people, but once they get that trust even once, I will trust them forever, so I try really hard to hold on to friends...But I need to stop. Doing that drains me so much more than it will even help me.

UPDATE- Fall Ya'll contest winners

2007-12-03T09:35:00.000-08:00

I have yet to hear from Audra and Michelle per their winnings of the fall ya'll contest giveaway.

Update-My anniversary

2007-11-19T09:37:00.000-08:00

On November 17th my husband and I celebrated our official one year anniversary. Our anniversary fell on a Saturday but my Mother and Father-in-law gave us the entire weekend baby free so we decided to take full advantage of it. We decided to use the weekend not only to connect physically (**wink-wink**) but also to connect mentally, and emotionally. I have had a few couples in my life recently that have decided to call it quits for many of the same problems that we have as a couple. Youth, stress, money, children. Basically it is hard being a young parent and husband/wife. So over the weekend we talked, alot. We decided from the jump that we would be honest and upfront about everything plaguing our minds and hearts, and I honestly believe that we did just that. I learned a few things from him that I wouldnt have known otherwise, for exampe, these divorces and separations tat are coming so close to home are not only affecting me, he tells me that it worries him also. He feels like when I tell him of the problems they seem to be so minor (and sometimes they are) that he thinks that at the first sign of real trouble I will pack my stuff and go. I don't know if it is the youth talking or the length of time that we have been together (still in the honeymoon stage) but I feel like we are best friends, soulmates, and that some of the things that these other couples are breaking up over would never plague us. And that if there were any real problems that we would just talk about them together.
Now other than just talking we just spent some time togther. We went out to dinner to Applebees on Friday, got a few bottles of alcohol, and spent the rest of the night at home watching some blockbuster movies. The original plan was to go see a movie on Saturday and themovie that we both agreed upon was a fourth chapter to which we had seen all but the third, so we rented that. Saturday however we were suprised to find that the movie was sent to where ever it is that movies go when they leave the theatre. So after a breakfast at Waffle house, a trip to get some Christmas presents and a bit of lounging around, we decided to go to the movies anyway and we saw (get this) actually something I wanted to see. We saw Fred Claus and it was really really cute. Not what I thought it would be, but we ended up going to a very cute theatre that is a restaurant also so at the bad parts I just scarfed down some fries. LOL. We also found our next fancy eat out spot merely by accident. It's called Copeland's and its an upscale New Orlean's style restaurant, kind of like Pappadeaux's, but a little dressier. OMG the food was so good. Now mind you we only got an appetizer plate of buffalo wings and 2 drinks, but from just that little bit we decided that we would definitely be back. Sunday we went to get our boy, and we just spent some time together as a family. It was a very nice weekend.

Fall Y'all Giveaway Update- Congrats Michelle and Audra

2007-11-05T08:29:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well. First let me say thanks to those of you that visited my page and left me a comment. I had a whopping 55 comments, which is by no means as many comments as some people *cough*500*cough*, but still more than I have gotten in the full year that I have had my blog up and running ( even if you add them all up and double them, it still wont touch the amount ive gotten in the past week. )

Now, like so many of you other bloggers I used the random number generator.

First it came up with 10, which was Heather. I got excited when I saw that Heather had a blog, but when I clicked her name...it said she was blocked. Now what's the point Heather. If you happen to stop back by let me know and we will find something for you.

But I had to re-generate. Then it came up with 34, which was Michelle B, who left this comment

Political correct holiday stories sounds fun

Please enter me in your contest

So, congrats Michelle B. You get the Politically Correct Holiday Stories. I will be contacting you soon to get your information.

But, hey, I still have that darn Superman book. So I ran the number generator again..28. Audra Marie, who left this comment

Both sound great!

Thanks for the chance to win.

So congrats to you also Audra. I will also be contacting you soon. I hope you ladies enjoy your new books very much.

Sorry for those of you that did not win. Do not feel bad. I entered over 300 of those contests, and I still have yet to win. Check the results of all of the contests here just to be sure. We can wallow in our sadness together. TTYL

Fall Y'all Blog giveaway

2007-11-04T07:42:00.000-08:00

Who knew the internet could be used for anything other than crazy porn and research. Tonight I just happened to stop at a page that is doing this crazy giveaway. The blog is Rocks in my dryer, and she is hosting a very cool Fall Y'all blog giveaway. I found over 500 free contests to enter (and sadly I have entered about half of them) and in doing so I decided that I wanted to host a giveaway of my own. I searched my house looking for anything that might be kind of cool to give away, or anything that might be fun to pass on to someone else. I found a few things.

The Superman Handbook by Scott Beaty. Such a cute little book for any man or woman who has ever wanted to know how to stop a runaway car, treat a broken neck, how to put out a fire, or even how to refill a water cooler.

Politically Correct Holiday Stories by James Finn Garner. This christmas do things a little bit different and when you sit around the fire read about Frosty The Person Of Snow, or even Rudolph The Nasally Empowered Reindeer. Very cute book, and fun to have at the holiday season.

(VISIT THE LINKS ABOVE TO CHECK EM OUT)

If you wanna enter the contest leave a comment below and tell me which one you want to win(or if you wanna win both). Only one entry per person. Contest ends Sunday November 4th at 8:00 PM EST, and winners will be selected and notified Monday November 5th. US only please. Please leave a way to contact you, because...well, duh...if you win I gotta contact you. Enjoy your time here, and come back one day when you aren't just using my blog to get free stuff.

Also, visit the rocks in my dryer post to enter over 500 more contests.

cool new contest

2007-10-31T19:57:00.000-07:00

I know you have all heard about the Dyson vacuum right??? Well, its the vacuum that never loses suction, and the little 30 dollar piece of crap I have now could never compare. To top it off, it has that guy with the sexy english accent (whats that sound...thousands of SAHM's remembering the sexy english-man??) to promote it. Well, I just found a super cool contest over at The domestic diva where you can win a PINK one...OMG, could you believe it??? Pink, you should totally enter it, Just in case.

Maybe my breath smelled

2007-10-31T18:09:00.000-07:00

As everyone knows, I am fascinated with children. I love their little noses, and the little toesies...I love the way when they smile its always so pure and genuine, they never make fun of you, and they never play on your insecurities...huh...oh wait, sry......The thing I love the most about little children is the way their little minds work. Today my son and I took a trip to my good old Alma Mater (can it still be called that when you dropped out in your junior year, or only if you graduated) CAU to get my transcript request done and find out what my new ID number was (used to be my SSN, since when did it become cooler to be designated a group of random numbers...oh well). So during our trip we rode the train and the bus, and even these two things I call feet. We had fun but near the end of the trip he started getting sleepy, and ironically, for those of you that don't have kids, let me tell you, when kids get sleepy, the last thing they want to do is go to sleep, so instead he starts squirming and trying to get out of my lap while we are on the bus. Now some time ago I learned froma very mean school bus driver that if you stand up while the bus is moving you will undoubtedly get thrown through the windsheild.(..nothing has to happen, she never mentioned slamming on the breaks or anything, just that if I stood up, somehow I would get thrown through the windsheild.) (She was also responsible for the "a semi will come rip your arm off if you stiick it out of the window" story.) So using all of my previous knowledge about sed windsheild I would not let him get down. Instead I tried to pull him closer to me and talk to him in a low voice and give him kisses, sometimes this works because he tries to hard to listen to what im saying that he actually stops whatever he was doing in the first place to listen.. When I did this my little baby boy, the child that I nursed for over a year, and held every niight in bed so daddy wouldn't roll over and kill him, this little boy put his hand firmly on my cheek and pushed my face away from him...OMG...can you say heartbroken???? When did my baby learn to push mommy away from him. I am at a loss for words...TTYL

A question

2007-10-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

When you get married and start a family of your own, with whom do your responsibilities lie, your new husband/wife and children, or your parents? Check back next sunday for my very detailed answer...

Oh yeah, and I really wanna know what you think, leave your answers in the comments.

Dreams

2007-10-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

As I spend every minute of my free time talking to expecting and new mothers I can't help but feel a slight bit of jealousy when these mothers, some of them as young as or even younger than me, tell me that they are in no need of information on a University because they have already graduated from college. After all, had things just went a little bit different, I would have been done by now, but instead, I decided to get into a serious relationship, put school on hold, and have my child. Decisions which I would never give up. Recently I decided that i would re-enter into school and finish getting my degree. This decision is not only for me, but for my child, and even any unborn children that we may choose to have in the future. I believe that in order to give them the best life possible I have to make myself into the woman I want to be. Before my child I wanted to be a psychologist/psychiatrist, and I believe that in order I have to fulfill my own dreams so I do not become some lowly old housewife dreaming of days gone by and trying to keep up in a college room of 20 somethings at the ripe old age of 60 (no offense to over the hill college students, its just not for me).

I also believe that if, god forbid, something happen to my husband that would put him out of work for a whie, that i as the other head of house hold needs to be able to stand up and go to work, and by getting an education at least equal to that of my husband, I am insuring that I will be able to at least keep us ina lifestyle that we have grown accustomed to. It saddens me to hear that women have no further aspirations than, "being a housewife", or that they "have no idea how much he makes or what he does with the money". I would wish no ill will on these women, but when life doesn't work out the way its suppsed to, as it often does not, what will you do? Perhaps it is my stauts as a self proclaimed "strong black woman" but i do not believe that it is anyone's job to take care of me. I want to be assured that if my husband left me tomorrow or if he died in his sleep tonight, I know where the insurance papers are, I know who to call, and that when the time is right, that i will be able to get off my ass and get a job so my son and I don't have to go beg at the Salvation Army, or live off of government checks every month. I believe that as the women that is one promise that we must make to ourselves and our children...If daddy ever wants to act stupid, mommy will be able to take care of you.

I hope I can get in school as early as possible. I want to make my dreams come true.

Because he lets me buy books when we aren't supposed to be "shopping"

2007-10-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

Well, today we went to the mall to go pick up our rings...Absolutely beautiful. Now that I see it in a size that will actually fit my finger, I love it even more. The only thing I am not especially in love with is the diamond. Now that the ring is bigger, I can really see that the center diamond on the "engagement ring" is up really high and it terrifies me that i will somehow take my poor boys eye out with this thing. I have to be so freakin careful. Once we did that I realized that my son smelled like there was a dumpster in his diaper so we rushed to the potty room with out blinders on. All of a sudden some woman ran up on me with a flyer in her hand...telling me to read the excerpt of her book and come check it out because she was having a book signing. Now this was kinda sad, I felt bad for my sista...here she was in a predominately white mall....(in all of ATL, she had to go to the whitest mall of them all) trying to promote her black literature that smacked of EJD mixed with a hint of Zane and a bit of her own southern writing style. I didn't even read the excerpt she gave me, and instead decided to go in a buy one of her books...Of the two that I read the backs of Lawd Mo Drama was the one that I thought would be the best, so I go to the check stand girl and tell her I want to get her book...Now first of all, for all of you that know me, hearing me ask for Lawd Mo Drama in and of its self would ave been hilarious...especially since I still can not pronounce it. I am by far the whitest black girl in the world...think Bryant Gumble's and and Hilary from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air's love child...enter me!!!

So anyway, there is much blushing and pointing and mumbling, but finally I leave with the book, and go out to have her sign it. I smile as huge as I can while shes signing it and tell her who to make it out to. She looks up at me and grabs a little scrap of paper out of her bag and asks e how to spell it again...I tell her and she tells me to look for my name in a book of hers very soon. yay me...this would mean a club on myspace, a piece of art, and hopefully soon a book. I see a victory for all of the silent H's in the world.

So I have started reading her book. I love it but it moves very fast, so fast reader like me sometimes has to go back because one sentence carries several hours and I am later left sitting there wondering what happened between 4 and 6. I'll give you a better review when I finish it.

Just a few words to think about

2007-10-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

Suburban Inferno

2007-10-23T15:50:00.000-07:00

As anyone who knows me knows, I am from San Diego, CA. As hopefully everyone knows, San Diego is now on fire. This kind of thing happens all the time, every year, but normally it is just by the rich homes out where the celebrities live. This means that I personally don't feel all that bad about it. Now however, places much closer to home are burning. I am very scared and hoping for the best for my family and friends, and I want them to all know that they are in my thoughts and prayers. If life were perfect, those fires would all be able to be contained and taken down, and everyone who was evacuated would be able to go back home safely. Sadly, though, life is not perfect. The fires are not even 0% contained, and many homes are already gone. The question of what you would grab if there was a fire has been brought home to so many people who never thought they would ever have to ask that question. It has also been suspected that it was started by an arsonist. Luckily there have been no deaths so far, but I hope that if someone does get hurt or killed, that the person who started this hell fire has to suffer to the fullest extent of the law.

I ask of you one thing, please just hope, wish, pray or beg that the families in San Diego will be safe and come out of this ok. TTYL.

Dear you #4

2007-10-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

I miss it like it used to be. I miss being able to talk to you when ever I wanted to. Now its so much different, after one conversation this has gotten so much harder than it should be. You tell me about random emails and letters that allude to undying love and satisfying sex, and they actually hurt me in my soul. We've been friends again for awhile now, and all of a sudden these true colors are showing. It makes me wanna cry and feel like now I have to say goodbye to what we once had. But I've known all along that in time things must change, so it shouldn't be so bad. So why do I feel so sad?

How can I adjust to the way that things are going when it's killing me slowly and I just want it to be how it used to be. You cannot hide the way you feel inside, I realize your actions speak much louder than words. But then tell me why we have to live like this.

**quotes Alicia Keys-Why do I feel so sad**

If you want anymore, listen to our song...you know, the one by Beyonce.

Two posts and Four things...

2007-10-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

Wow, Two posts in one day. You all can tell I'm extremely bored or working...(actually both ATM) because I completely ignore the need for organization and cohesiveness and I post 2 blogs in one day. What do I mean you may ask, well...I hate the way that when you post multiple blogs they only post the date at the top of one. I know, I know, its a completely random and petty thing to worry about, but hey...its me and since I can't control anything else in my sad, sad little life, I choose to control that which is mine and only mine...MY BLOG...

You now may be asking what in the world could be so wonderful and cool that I decide to abandon all hope for normalcy and perfectnes. Well, its simple, I found a really cool blog, and this blog had a really cool 4 things meme...and I thought, wow, what would be cooler than to copy someone elses idea and substitute my own answers, theres really nothing as narcissistic as that...and I've been a very non-narcissistic person as of late...Time to reclaim my name fame...

4 Jobs I’ve Held

Cashier at a thrift store that sponsored battered women's shelters...taught me two things, that the man that is fool enough to put his hands on me should make peace with his god first, and that not all thrift stores are all nasty, dirty, and smelly.
For like a week I worked selling credit card machines to businesses over the phone, I believe I sold a few, but the boss man cheated me out of them.
PM merchandiser at Costco...Taught me that rich people will spend a million dollars in a place if they can be promised $4.00 rotisserie chickens and 10 gallon tubs of mayonnaise.
Concourse Supervisor, I actually kinda liked this job, I was the youngest supervisor ever and it was cool outside of the fact that I had people older than my mom working for me...Kinda hard chastising someone for coming in late when they could be your grandparent.

4 Films I Could Watch Over and Over

Shrek
40 yr old virgin
I have no idea
Can you tell I'm not a huge movie buff???

4 TV Shows I Watch

Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice: I love the writing, and the characters, and the fact that every single doctor in both shows is hella movie star sexiness...No ugly doctors at these hospitals...I gotta move to Seattle or LA.
House: I love the fact that hes such an asshole and yet so brilliant...don't we all just wish we cold tell the people of authority in our lives to screw off cause we have all the answers and we are gonna do it our way...???
Desperate Housewives: Yes, I know, I know...I'm one of THEM..who are THEM you ask...one of those housewives that watch Desperate Housewives and just reish in the fact that I am not yet as desperate as they are...Sadly though, I;m also not as beautiful, rich, or semi-intelligent...Oh well, you win some and you lose some.
Pushing Daisies: I absolutely the way its told like a story book. The writing is cute, and its a very cute concept.

4 Places I’ve Lived

San Diego, CA: I grew up there, my heart will forever live in the shores of California.
Atlanta, GA: I became an adult in Atlanta, I met my husband, and gave birth to my son. No matter where I live, Atlanta will always be special to me.
Decatur, GA: My current home.
That's all...hell, give me a few years, I'm only 22.

4 Favorite Foods

Carne Asada quesadillas from Saguaro's on 30th ave in North Park, CA
Lasagna from...well just about anywhere
Ice cream...don't ask me a favorite flavor, I like many
(most) Seafood...like crabs, oysters, shrimp, scallops, etc...

4 Websites I Visit Everyday

Myspace cause I have never wantd anything more than to be popular
Yahoo, I have like 50 million yahoo email addresses, so a good 30 minutes of my day is spent checking my email
Mediatakeout, Idontlikeyouinthatway, celebrity baby blog and Perez Hilton, cause a girl's gotta have her celeb gossip
My blog...cause no one's life is half as interesting as mine..lol

4 Favorite Colors

pink
blue
black
silver

4 Places I Would Love to Be Right Now

On a beach with my hubby and the boy
In San Diego
No where else really
I kinda like my life and where I am now...surrounded by people who love me and whom I love

4 Names I Love But Would/Could Not Use for my Children

Ashley
Zorya
Destiny Love'
William

I hope you enjoyed reading, I enjoyed writing.

A really fun Giveaway

2007-10-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

Wow, I just found this really cool contest. The people over at 5 minutes for mom are hosting a really cool contest in celebration of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month (shhh...its October). The prize is a Casio Pink EX-Z75 digital camera. Its all in pink with a pink strap and a bunh of pinkness...OMG...would it fit me or what? I hope I win, but even if i don't, you should still go enter it, at least one of us will win...Go check it out for the rules and what not...GOOD LUCK.

Because he buys me expensive gifts

2007-10-20T19:09:00.000-07:00

Well...After turning my own wedding ring black putting chemicals in my hair (oops) I decided that I needed a new wedding ring, and since our official one year anniversary is coming up I proposed the idea to husband. To my surprise he agreed and we went to look at them today. The plan was to just look inside the jewelry stores and we would go buy them for Christmas.
The 1st one we went in to was Kay, and I announced upon entering that we would not be buying anything. However, the two of us were always suckers for a good salesman. He showed us a nice set of rings that I absolutely fell in love with that was .5 cts, the coolest thing was that it was both the wedding band and an engagement ring (which we hadn't even planned to get), and it was in our price range. I immediately said yes and he started writing up the paperwork. Then he went to ask the manager something and came back with the same rings, same styles just bigger...1.5 cts...He told us that with the line of (duh duh duh) credit we had just taken out we would also be able to afford these. It was alot more than I had expected, so I asked husband, and he told me that if I wanted them then I could get them. As you can imagine, we got them, and they are being sized as I sit here. We have to go next Saturday so I can pick up my 1.5 ct diamond ring and wedding band...I know its not much, not nearly as big as the one promised to me by "that man", but the love is so much better. Plus, it will be the most carats I will have ever had on my body at any given time. I am really very excited.....I keep singing the "Every kiss begins with Kay" song. Yay mee... Be on the lookout for some pics once I get some.

**Because if he knows I really want something, its mine**

1st haircut

2007-10-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

Today I took my boy to get his 1st haircut. In the black community its a really big event, and it saved until after the 1st birthday. In most cultures it signifies that the chid is no longer a baby, but is growing up. I had been trying so hard to not get it done, but I figured that at almost 14 months it was about time. Here is a few pics

P and his daddy (before)

He knew what was coming (still before)

(Great) Uncle Sheldon cutting my boy's hair (during)

Momma...make him stop (almost done)

What'd you think would happen...

I'm just as flyy as I've always been (after)

So, my baby boy isnt my baby boy anymore...now hes my big boy...

sesame Streett is genius

2007-10-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

Finally a baby show that both mommy and P can love. Now they just need to put Denzel on Dora, or add Morris Chestnut to Moose and Zee, or even add Babyface to Blues Clues...But until they catch on, I'll have to settke for a bit of Chris Brown and Elmo...

Now I present to you...Chris and Elmo singing "See the signs"--->

Another friendship...?

2007-10-17T13:07:00.000-07:00

Why do I adjust who I am and what I want for the needs of others? Why do I ignore my own happiness for the sake of others? Why do I put my family on the line to help people feel better of about the dissolvement of theirs?

Over the past few months I have been talking to a friend, whose marriage, unlike mine, has begun to dissolve. I felt really bad for him at first and figured that I would talk to him, after years of not talking, because at a hard time in someone's life, they always need someone to talk to. After a while I started remembering why we became such good friends back in the day. I realized that i actually liked talking to him, and my long days were no longer filled with so much loneliness because we would stay on the phone for hours. After awhile we began talking about very personal things, life, love, and happiness, and how we felt that both of our lives were lacking at least one of those. Our friendship was cemented upon that fact and the love that we had for eachother. After awhile I suppose our friendship was getting too strong. It scared me and delighted me all at the same time. While I know it was wrong of me to strike up a close friendship with a man who was not my husband, it just felt so damn good to have someone in my life that I knew loved me, WANTED to talk to me, and spend time on the phone with me, and tell me wonderful things about myself. I am also pretty sure that the support and company he gave me at the time was probably only setting to further the divide that I was finding between my husband and myself.

This friends of mine however is a very judgemental and sensitive person. and I felt myself pissing him off alot. I always seemed to be begging him to talk to me, to make me happy, and I gave up my dignity more than once in the past few months just to have someone to talk to me and make me feel like I was worth something. Last night somehow I did the same thing I always do. I made him mad and I still have no idea what the hell I did. He has refused to talk to me all day and I decided that this time would be different. I will not call him. I will not beg him back just so I can know that someone in my life actually cares how i feel. I will not call him. I will leave it up to him. If he wants me in his life then he will come back, and he will say so...

The best night ever...

2007-10-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

Wow...I just experienced one of the most relaxing evenings of my life. After feeding my son and getting him ready for bed. We went into his room to perform the nightly ritual that both he and I hate, It was bed time. Usually it consists of either me or daddy laying him down in his crib and walking out slowly while not making eye contact, turning the light off and creeping out of the door. I am trying my best to make it all seem much less repulsive and much quieter than it really is...In reality it is usually a bunch of screaming and yelling all the time while we are creeping out and for about 10-15 minutes later. I hate it.

Tonight however, I laid him down in the crib...immediately he started crying, I put the front railing down, and sat on the floor by his crib. I told him that mommy wouldnt leave him and I started rubbing his back while he laid in his crib. I started telling him the story of Goldilocks and the three bears, adding a very nice ending to it by the way because I don;t know how that daggone story ends...By the time I was done with the story he was fast asleep. It felt wonderful. I hadn't felt that good since i used to hold him in my arms and nurse him to sleep...It is truly a feeling no one but a monther could understand...Now I feel wonderful. And I hope you all have a wonderful night also...TTYL

Church day

2007-10-14T07:23:00.001-07:00

Well, well well, as I type this I am on my way to church. I have done what so many modern adults do when those elders in my life pester me week after wek to go worship their god in their chosen house. I wasn't going to come this morning when I realized that my bed is much more comfortable than any old church could ever be. However, in one of my sleep induced rolls, I looked up at my husband and my son both loking so handsome and asking me where their shoes were and decided that a little bit of hope and prayer wouldn't do me all that bad. I hopped out of bed and ruffled through my closet for my only semi-modest dress and my ONLY pair of dress shoes, and now I sit. Speeding away trying to get to a church service that I really don't want to go to.

I don't know exactly why I don't support religion, I tried so hard, but it just clashed with my personality. Maybe its the section about women being subservient to or not as important as men (I can name at least 10 men who will never deserve that honor), Maybe its the fact that I cannot suport or trust in a religion that once supported slavery (people say times have changed, but if some people can still be mad at a group of people that suppported it, why can't I be mad at an organization?), Maybe its the fact that every religion proclaims to be the best and the only one that means anything (even though most religions have the same origins and believe in different ways of saying the same thing), Maybe its because I do not believe that the bible is true, considering that the different parts of the bible were written by only 1 person each (If a group of people go to a party, by the end of the night they will all have different accounts of what happened, so why should I believe one person's account of a time that I am expected to believe in?), Maybe its just the fact that I'm just a lazy girl who wants some way to rebel against the system. No way to tell.

Check in later for an update. TTYL.

egg on my face

2007-10-12T20:01:00.001-07:00

ok...nvm, we went to The Olive Garden tonight...I guess all is not lost after all...

We've been together for 3 years and all I got was this lousy anniversary...

2007-10-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

Well, I have once again been let down by my husband. Tpday is our 3 year anniversary and I thought it would be kinda cute to do something. I told him weeks ago that I wanted to do something tonight, namely go see a movie and maybe go out to dinner..."ok baby, if we have the money we can." well here we are with the money, and yet it is now 5:11 pm and I am still sitting here in my bra and sweatpants. Doesn't look like we are going anywhere tonight. And to think, I actually thought he was kidding when he said that we were going to just stay in tonight. I am depressed...and this is sooooo not helping with my lonliness...

I've come to realize

2007-10-11T22:49:00.000-07:00

I found this meme on the blog of one of the readers. Actually, I don;t even know if she reads my blog regularly, I just know that she read it once and took the time to comment on it...And for that, I am stealing these ideas from her...Thanks puddin.

I'VE COME TO REALIZE

1. I've come to realize that, my ex: would make me happy if he merely promised to always be my best fried, my confidant, my therapist, my enabler, my phone buddy, my chat buddy, and my secret keeper, but one day he will sincerely want me to choose.

2. I've come to realize that, I talk incessantly about my son, and this is probably an annoyance to everyone around me, even though, as good friends, they will always deny it.

3. I've come to realize that, I love with everything I am, and it hurts so damn bad when that feeling and passion isn't returned.

4. I've come to realize that, I have been blessed so much in this life and that i spend too much time dwelling on the sadness that I don't take the time to enjoy the good things.

5. I've come to realize that, I lost a huge chunk of my life by devoting it to drugs, this was however the least stressful few years of my life thus far.

6. I've come to realize that, I hate it when for every step forward there are two steps back.

7. I've come to realize that, marriage is much harder than it looks on TV.

8. I've come to realize that, somewhere, someone is thinking that they want nothing more than the life I have.

9. I've come to realize that, I'll always be me...regardless of how many people try to make me into what they want.

10. I've come to realize that, I have a crush on goofy looking white boys, I do not understand it and neither will you, don't try.

11. I've come to realize that, the last time I cried was when i had my heart stepped on by a man I love, oddly enough that was just a few nights ago.

12. I've come to realize that, my cell phone was way outta my phone budget...but I am soooo damn happy I didn't get the Razr.

13. I've come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning to pee, I will ALWAYS look in on my son, and will unfailingly interrupt his quiet play time and send him into a fit of screams.

14. I've come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night I've gotta get that damn monkey off of my back.

15. I've come to realize that, right now I am thinking about, what Chris' answers were, and what Amber's doing.

16. I've come to realize that, babies are the one thing that makes me really want so badly to believe that there is a god. They are so perfect, and such a miracle nothing like that could have just been up to us irresponsible humans.

17. I've come to realize that, I get on myspace at least once an hour wishing I have a new message or something...I want so badly to have people in my life that actually love and care about me.

18. I've come to realize that, today I learned so much from my son, and I probably will tomorrow also.

19. I've come to realize that, tonight I will take my black ass to sleep.

20. I've come to realize that, tomorrow I will once again fail at being a housewife, no matter how hard I try.

21. I've come to realize that, I really want to just be loved by someone the same way I love them. I never thought I would feel like that less than a year of being married...but...

(w)One Word Wednesday

2007-10-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

PEACE!!!!

Just say NO

2007-10-09T18:03:00.000-07:00

I have just realized why my life always feels so sad and lonely. It is something that I may have come across a long time ago, but never wanted to truly admit. Sometimes I feel like the man I share my life and my bed with is not in love with me. On any given day he would rather watch TV or play his video game than talk to me, and while I've said this before, I have never let you all know that he has willingly given up sex to do one of the aforementioned things. To all of you men, as ridiculous as it sounds, when you want sex, regardless of how, when, why, and where you want it, women give it to you...If we can't there has to be a good reason, and this is why it offends us so much when, when we actually try to give it to you...we basically undress ourselves, and throw ourselves your lap, and you just turn us away like yesterday's garbage. I'm sorry, I can not speak for all women, just the ones I have personally had this discussion with, and they all agree that it is very offensive, hurtful, and insensitive when we are pushed away. It is especially devastating when we already feel like we are not up to par physically-wise. If we have some extra weight, jacked up teeth, bad skin, or we are otherwise not aesthetically perfect, we begin to blame ourselves, and we feel like if only we were thinner, prettier, better looking, than you would want us. Now men, if it is true, then fine, keep letting us think that, but if not, then just kiss us when we want it. After all...you never know what our day was like, and why we need that extra cuddle time. I am not going to go back to my daily normal and lonely life. TTYL

a bit of blog editing...

2007-10-09T09:17:00.001-07:00

Well, today I had to edit my blog...now it is perfect, I realized that I couldn't see my blog comments for any of my blogs so I changed that, and I added a little something extra...wanna know what it is...leave me a comment. :) Life is pretty good today. I have recruited yet another into my wonderful blogging clique...yay...more for me to read. ook...i guess thats it for now..ttyl

I think I'm gonna fall...

2007-10-08T08:47:00.000-07:00

What should someone do when the find that they no longer feel the want or the need to talk to the people in their lives that they once considered good friends? When I get lonely it is when I feel the need to be near the friends that I ONCE considered near and dear. The problem comes when, at the times when I am feeling that I need to be close to these people, I realize just how much these people really care about me...and coincidentally, I realize that I don't need them in my life after all. For some reason it seems as though I am always getting rid of people in my life for one reason or another. It truly sucks to never be able to have that one person that you can call anytime just because. Me and my brother got into a huge argument and I basically wrote him out of my life, all things considered, I no longer have a brother/cousin named Deandre. In my mind you do not threaten me, my husband, or my son, and still get to maintain the luxury of being able to call yourself related to me. My cousin monique told me that I should bury the hatchet, that he has started playing football agian, and that if he gets rich and famous wouldn't I want a piece of it....I thought about it, and I decided that no, I don't want anything. I hope, and wish, and pray that if his dream is to go to the NFL that it comes true for him. I think of him as I would a stranger, I wish no ill will on him, but, if he were to die tomorrow, I would not cry. I stopped talking to my best cousin because of her alliance to him, it was not on purpose or anything, I just got tired f calling and hearing the "Deandre and me" stories. It is mighty hard to not care about someone you hear about constantly.
Then Ber starts going through her whole divorce. When a good friend gets divorced, it doesnt only affect them, during the whole melee, you basically feel like you are getting a divorce also. You get the calls at random hours when shit starts sinking in, you cry with them (maybe they don't hear you, but you cry) and for them, you get angry, but it sucks, cause while the recent divorcee can call the ex and cuss them out, you just have to be a good friend, not do anything that may cause conflict, especially if it includes posting things on their myspace pages. their life changes as does the life you once knew...Calls early in the morning, knowing one's schedule like it was your own, Seeing it all change and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Your life changes just as much, as does your friendship. There is no denying it, friendships change and evolve, as does everything else, and like everything else, if you cant hang, or you dont like the way something is changing, you, and your friendship will be left behind. So you try your best to evlove, even when things are happening that you don't quite agree with, you try so hard to maintain that same relationship, but you can't, because that friendship is gone, and in its place is a new one. Still is the friendship between mothers, that will never change, but in addition it has become a friendship between a married woman and a single woman, a lesbian and a wife, someone who constantly doubts herself and a woman who is so sure of what shes doing it is scary at times. These are the times when the true question of who your friend is comes out in the open. You try so hard to maintain that childish bond, but it is so hard, achingly hard at times, and yet, still so easy at others. How does one hold on to a friend or a friendship that is changing so much at a time that she needs nothing more than just a little stability?
In the past 6 months I have gone through more crap, than I had in the entire year preceeding it. First and second, the things with Amber and Deandre. After that, many starts and stops on my own journey through depression, reconnecting, losing, and reconnecting again with a very old friend, The almost real threat of a death followed very closely by a real death of the only real man I ever knew, an unwanted pregnancy, losing that unwanted pregnancy and then HAVING to go through the worst procedure and one I would only subject my worst enemies to, and wanting to die so many times in those months, and then wanting to live just as hard. All I want is for the world to stop spinning, just for one minute, let me get my feet planted firmly on the ground before it starts back up, I don't think they ever were to begin with.

Hey, hey, hey...

2007-10-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

Well, my weekend was extremely uneventful. As you may or may not know, my son still has yet to walk...At 13 months this can be a bit embarrassing when everyone else around him is walking, but the one thing I just keep telling people is that he can walk, he just chooses not to. I get nodded heads and looks of sympathy, but I just try to laugh them off...Today it was proven to my MIL that he can in fact stand up unassisted. Even after I told her time and time again that he could do it...she still seemed so surprised that he could....i wonder what that means???

I want to be nominated...

2007-10-05T22:30:00.000-07:00

I have just realized that if I were a celebrity, I would be a Z-lister. I feel like if I didn't have P no one in my life would still be here, or even care about me. Maybe its a disorder, maybe its just my conceitedness coming out, but for some strange reason, I want to be some one's entire universe. I want to be that girl from the loves stories, and the romance movies that has the man in her life that would do anything to make her happy. I want to be the woman in the dramas whose friends would absolutely die if she was gone, and I wanna be that girl in the comedies who is always the life of the party, and even though shes a little weird, and imperfect they all still love her and laugh at her jokes. I DO NOT want to be the girl in the scary movies who gets killed. Sadly, or luckily in some cases, life isn't a movie stage, and at some time we all have to understand that we are not the stars, not even of our own shows. So, should I just be OK with being the costar in my marriage, in my family, in my friendships, or should I do something about it. Make myself #1? How? My husband could care less about me on any daily basis, he would rather play that game than even have sex with me. My BFF Amber no longer needs my companionship and love. She has Maegan, and we rarely even talk anymore. And, now, the one person who actually needed me. For whatever reasons there were, Christopher needed me in his life. Now however, he has a new girlfriend. He doesn't need me in his life anymore. I am soooo sad. I will try to get over it, and deal with it the best I can. Hell, if i have to be a supporting actress...I'm gettin an Emmy for it.

Happy Birthday Kiana Monique Lovett...Daddy still ♥ U

2007-10-04T07:04:00.000-07:00

Well, today was rather uneventful. I spoke to Chris and I feel really bad for him. He is goimg through so many things and so much stress with Jasmine. As it turns out, tomorrow is the baby's birthday. The last time he went to San Diego to see the baby her mom was acting hella shady about him spending time with the baby. It also turns out that Jasmine has been telling people that he sexually abused the baby. This is probably a lie. I don't know exactly what went on in that household, but I do know how much he loves that little girl. And I know that any mother in her right mind wouldn't keep their child in harms way. So, anyway, like I was saying, today is the baby's birthday and he doesn't know whether or not he should try to call and say happy birthday. I see 2 sides of the argument.

He should call the baby because:
She is the only father she knows. He got married to this woman and decided to take on this baby (thats not his) for the last year and a half of her life, and if Jasmine decides that she wants to be like so many low class black women and tell the baby that her "daddy" that she knew as a baby is a deadbeat or whatever. Christopher has fallen in love with this little girl, and by taking one look at hos myspace page you can see this. He grew up without his father, and he knows the feeling. I told him that the relationship between a little girl and her daddy is even more strong than what he has. That its normally very comparable to the relationship between a soldier and his captor, a pirate and his booty, in addition to him being a basic proud parent, that he is also her protector, that he wants to shield his little girl from every bad thing in this world.

BUT...there are always 2 sides to every story...

He should not call her because:
Simple enough, Jasmine has used the baby against him, to get money for her to use for drugs and such. He sent her a some money for her and the baby for a while before she even told him that she had sent the baby to live with her mom. He doesn't feel like he should be encouraging and giving her a way to use the baby for leverage.

WHAT DO U THINK?

My 'do day...

2007-10-02T17:58:00.000-07:00

Well, today I finally took the time to actually do something to my hair. It has been weeks, maybe even months since I actually "did" it, and it took me all of like an hour and a half...I didn't get to finish it because the baby woke up, but I got enough of it done. I just wasn't able to curl it, but if I wrap it tonight, I shouldn't have to put too much heat on it. I ahet putting heta on my hair...It makes it look so un healthy. One good thing about never doing my hair is that it is really healthy, and growing nicely. I would post pictures, but I can't find my digital camera. I haven't seen it since P's birthday trip, and that makes me sad. Now I don't know if I have any pictures from his birthday. WaaaahhhhhhhhH!!!!! Maybe I will set up a fake one...make him look really small, and put his blues clies ears on him...Whatever I finally decide to do, I promise i will post pics when I get them...

My bad birthday update

2007-09-30T09:48:00.000-07:00

Sooo...yesterday was my birthday and I am gonna assume you all want an update....Well, let me start at te beginning. I woke up at like 8:30 am to my husband running out of the house. Me and the baby hung out and relaxed all day. Husband called me to tell me that he had spent some ungodly amount of money on new tires. This money just also happened to include the money that was suppose to be used for my birthday. I was sad and I shed some tears and all, but over all I was ok. So then husband comes home at like 5 o'clock. We went out and got some taco bell, instead of going out to a restaurant like we had planned, and came home and just stayed at home for the rest of the night. I got a call from my dad that night and one from my mom also. Basically, my birthday sucked...I hope next year will be better. If husband wants to make this up to me he will do something wonderful for our 3 year (dating) anniversary. October 12th baby, don't forget.

100 things about me.....

2007-09-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

bullsh

Timberlake

Betha

didn

doesn

Revo

namez

Nino

Tigger

didn

weffriddles

mediatakeout

perezhilton

XLI

XLII

XLIII

wouldn

XLIV

XLV

XLVI

XLVII

XLVIII

XLIX

LIII

LIV. When I get into an argument I am usually the 1st to apologize. I hate wasting my life away being mad. this is however dependent on the fact of whether or not I was actually wronged.

LVI. Growing up in a place like San Diego, where it hardly ever rains, makes me love the rain and thunder storms, although I only like the thunder when my husband is with me.

LVIII

LIX. I once had a really bad dream about something horrible happening to my mom, and when I woke up crying I begged god to not make me have any more dreams like that. All through elementary, junior high, and high school I did not have/did not remember my dreams. This is one thing that cements my belief in GOD.

LXI. When I was little I used to love working with my hands and tools. I would get all my moms tools together and take my skateboard apart and put it back together. One day the ice cream man came while I was putting it back together, and I went to get ice cream and when I got back I forgot where I was. I threw it away after that.

LXII. I have broken hearts and had my heart broken. The latter hurts worse, but it makes you realize just how bad you hurt someone else.

LXIII

DIY

blankie

LXV

alot

this

LXVI. When I was a baby I almost choked on a lifesaver. my uncle who is a cop was there and he got it out. To this day I'm not too fond of lifesavers.

LXVII. I love to read. If someone leaves me alone with a good book I can read it in one day.

LXVIII

LXIX. My son was born 4 weeks to the day before my birthday, his cousin was born 6 weeks after him, his god sister, 2 days after him, his other cousin 5 days after him, and he and his grandma share a birthday. Hopefully my daughter will have her own birthday.

LXX

internet

gothic

sankofa

Sankofa

african

LXXI

whose

will

LXXII

LXXIII

crockety

LXXIV

child

that's

LXXV

haruto

scrap booking

LXXVI

LXXVII

LXXVIII

LXXIV

LXXV

LXXVI

LXXVII

LXXVIII

That's

LXXIX

LXXX

LXXXI

each other

LXXXII

LXXXIII

LXXXIV

LXXXV

license

LXXXVI

LXXXVII

LXXXVIII

LXXXIX

XCI. I have been doing my own taxes since I started doing taxes. I refuse to pay for something I can do myself.

XCII. Most likely if I'm home, I'm naked. It started when I was pregnant, and I loved it so much that I couldn't give it up.

XCIII

XCIV. There is nothing in this world better than a sincere kiss, a cold bowl of ice cream, and a good massage.

XCV

tests

that's

good

SAT's

ACT's

test

XCVII. I have tried photography, and while I enjoyed it, I didn't get anything worth showing. If I were rich I would have gone out and bought a million dollar camera...Since I'm not, I just gave up.

XCVIII

een

style

strappy

XCIX. I wanted very badly to go to a Christian private all girls high school. I would probably be a completely different person had I.

sooooooooo

My Fav C♥mmercial....

2007-09-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

I love it...look at the little boys hella jigging...If I saw this video a million times I would still love it....

**oh yeah...happy birthday to me**

♥ Happy Birthday To Me ♥

2007-09-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

When I was very young, my mom told me that as I got older I would realize that my birthday didn't matter as much as it did when I was younger. She also told me that that day held no significance to anyone as much as it did to me and her. As she put it, it was the day her best friend was born, and for me, the day I met my 1st best friend. My mom has always been there for me no matter what.
I remember when I was little my mom would always go get people birthday cakes. Even if they hadn't done anything else for their borthdays they could count on mommy coming over with a nice big birthday cake. She always made everyone's day so much better than they would have been otherwise. I wish she was here. I know that later on today I will be alone so I will revel in the fact that right now, I am with my husband and my son, waiting for my best friend to get home so I can talk to her, and that even if people aren't here with me....I am loved. I love you mom, and lets celebrate this day together.......apart.♥

Some things should be kept to yourself

2007-09-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

WTF.....I was texting my ex last night and he told me that he still loved me. WTF is wrong with him. I have written about him before, and I believe the last time I wrote about him it was the same thing. Read that entry. You will get the whole story. My only question is, what is the point in telling a married woman that you love her, even if she does love you back (which I do not) there is nothing she can do about it.
I also recently found out that he is moving to Atlanta. He is the only man that I had a true long distance relationship with, and the reason why we broke up was because he couldn't get his ass to Atlanta. I was young and impatient and I wanted my man with me. Enter Husband. It was over between Dominic and me. I gave up on him completely. Now wwhat is he doing, trying to weasel his way into my life again. I highly hope not.

Bad News

2007-09-24T10:51:00.000-07:00

Wowzers, My husband just called me and told me that he was working with his uncle this Saturday so he could make some extra money for my birthday. This is very cool because now we can go out to dinner or something, but the one thing that he forgot is that this Saturday is my birthday. Yep, you got it right, my husband will be out working on my birthday. The funny part is that he actually started arguing with me when I told him that Saturday was my birthday. I guess it's ok. I'm a big girl, and I'll be able to spend the day with my best friend in the whole world anyway...My boy. It is just kinda sad, but I guess its true what they say, as you grow up, people stop caring about your birthday. I'm gonna go cry now......TTYL

Pain

2007-09-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

Pain is horrible. It makes you think about doing certain things that you otherwise wouldn't think about doing. I have had a toothache for about 2 weeks, and now I feel like I just want to take a big pair of pliers to my tooth. I wish freakin dentists weren't so freakin expensive. I'm pretty sure they will want upwards of 100 dollars to pull this freakin tooth, and after it is pulled, so i don't look like a freakin country bumpkin for too long, I;m planning on trying to have another one put in there. No telling what thats gonna cost me. Well, we will see what happens, If I dont write for the next few days its because I am laying in a puddle of my own blood. Call the ambulance, and tell them to come to my house and pack my tooth hole with gauze...I mean, hell, thats all the dentist is gonna do anyway...and at least it won't cost me upwards of 200 dollars.

a fun survey to break things up

2007-09-21T10:26:00.000-07:00

1. Who were you with yesterday? P

2. What woke you up this morning? Husband looking for his keys

3. Where are you? at home

4. Is tomorrow going to be a good day? i would like to think so, every day I wake up is a good day

5. Did you kiss or hug anyone today? my son...sadly...

6. When was the last time you cried? a few nights ago...loneliness is a bitch

7. Ever thrown up in public? yep, when i was preggo I threw up in public all the time

8. Passed out because of alcohol? no, that's just dangerous...

9. Would you take a bullet for anyone? yep

10. Where would you like to live? No idea

11. Made out with anyone on your top friends? yep

13. What do you want to be when you grow up? I don't know anymore, i used to want to be something that made me rich and famous, but recently I have learned that there are better things in life...

14. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?wow...27, maybe 1 or 2 more kids, happy, in a career, whatever i choose to do, and in my own house

15. Who is your number one? my husband

16. Have you kissed your number one on your top friends? yep,. he is my husband

17. Who was the last person that left you a comment? Amberger

19. Do you like candy necklaces? yep

20. When was the last time you fell over or ran into something? everyday...I ran into the wall a few days ago...screw you...I was sleepy

21. Do you listen to music every day? yep

22. What was the last thing you ate? hot dogs

23. Are you a fast typer? I can be

24. About how many people have you liked? tons

25. How many have you loved? i had never experienced a real love without the other party wanting something in return until I met husband...I assume that's real love and what else I was feeling was something else...

26. What are you doing this weekend? I have no idea

27. What's Your favorite type of soda? orange...thanks a lot husband

28. Have you ever won an award? yep

29. What do you want to do right now? go back home and get a carne asada burrito

30. Are you listening to music right now? nope, but i will be in a second

31. When were you the saddest in your whole life? I have no idea, the most recent was when my grandpa died

32. What time is it? 11:17 pm

33. Do you use Ebay to buy or sell? sell

34. What makes you mad? idiots

35. Have you ever had a song written about you? ummm, i dated a few musicians, so probably

36. What song makes you cry? i don't know...

37. What song makes you happy? anything happy

38. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed? cartoons or the cooking shows on the food network

39. Do you have a job? yeah, I work at home

40. What makes you happy? making my son happy

41. What's the next CD you're going to get? I don't buy Cd's...I thief 'em (lol)

[Height:] 5'4

[Hair:] cherry-cola

[Eye Color:] brown

[Wearing right now:] wife beater and a pair of pink sweats

[What taste is in your mouth?] some fruit punch

A word to describe 2007?: exciting...

Summer 2007: short

Honestly, do you miss 2006?it was a wonderful year...

I'd pay $50 to learn how to do this.

2007-09-20T22:19:00.001-07:00

Lately I have been on some kind of a cleaning kick. I have been wanting everything to be spotless and I have even been wiping everything down with bleach. Today I tackled the one place in the house that I was really scared of even touching...I cleaned my kitchen, and in relation to that I cleaned my refrigerator. I took some before and after pics and there is a vast difference. I also learned today that I am not a real mom. Before cleaning my fridge out, I thought that we had enough stuff in there. I would open the door and look inside, take out a container, smell it, and put it back. I'll eat it later I think. Today I just threw it all away. I had already known that I was not a June Cleaver style mom, or even a woman, but damnit, I always thought that I wasn't like a crack head style mom. Today though reality smacked me in the face with a biiiiiiiiig bottle if bleach. After I cleaned my fridge it was entirely empty...I have tons of condiments including three opened bottles of the black people's staple...hot sauce, and a jar of sugar free apricot preservatives that my Step-Grandmother bought me back in 2004. But food wise....I have nothing. There is meat in my freezer, but in the fridge there are 2 eggs, and 1/2 a gallon of water. That's it. I need to take mommy classes...Anyone giving them, Count me in. But do not expect me to have it at my house...I have no hoers d' oeuvres.

BEFORE :

AFTER:

Dear You...

2007-09-20T20:33:00.001-07:00

Why are you saying that all of a sudden you can't talk to me? We have a wonderful friendship, and when all feelings are put aside, we can be wonderful friends. Life isn't always what we want it to be, and it doesn't always end up the way we want it to. I just feel like we had our chance. I love you and I always have, and I always will, but that is as far as it can go. I love him, I care about him, I kiss him, I touch him, I make love to him, i go to sleep and wake up next to him every day and he means the world to me. I don't see you as a threat to my relationship and my happiness because I feel like the only reason why you are reaching out to me is because you are hurting. The second you realize and admit that she hurt you, then things will fall into place. Back in the day, when we had problems you would run to her, and when you two had problems, you came right back to me. I want to tell you that times have changed and you can't handle adult-sized problems with high school sized solutions. No matter how fun and easy it would be. I am happy, and I only want you to be happy also. You say that you can't be happy without me, but four years have passed, and if you have not committed suicide yet, then I doubt life was all that horrible without me. Like I said, I want you to be happy, and if there is anything else I can do aside from leaving everything I know, then I will give it my all. But if the question you want to ask and request is that which i cannot give, then there is your answer. Be happy, with me in your life, without me in your life, do what you feel you must to wake up smiling everyday. I just want your life to be magically, ridiculously happy...

Love,

With deepest regrets,

Sincerely,...ME!!!

Love Is...

2007-09-18T07:03:00.000-07:00

Annoyingly,
Perfectly,
Sweetly,
Unavoidably,
Inconveniently,
Specially,
Passionately,
Horribly,
Importantly,

Solidly,
Interestingly,
Beautifully,
Lovingly,
Excitingly,
Sharply,
Richly,
Absolutely,
Impossibly,
Adequately,
Inevitably,
Irrevocably,
Sufficiently,
Completely,
Fatally,
Perpetually,
Ideally,
Foolishly,
Deliciously,
Patiently,
Amazingly,
Embarrassingly,
Amusingly,
Entirely,
Surprisingly,
Wonderful!!!

Racism is alive and well..."Jena 6"

2007-09-17T11:12:00.001-07:00

Dear friend,
I just learned about a case of segregation-era oppression happening today in Jena, Louisiana. I signed onto ColorOfChange.org's campaign for justice in Jena, and wanted to invite you to do the same.
http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=1621-383756
Last fall in Jena, the day after two Black high school students sat beneath the "white tree" on their campus, nooses were hung from the tree. When the superintendent dismissed the nooses as a "prank," more Black students sat under the tree in protest. The District Attorney then came to the school accompanied by the town's police and demanded that the students end their protest, telling them, "I can be your best friend or your worst enemy... I can take away your lives with a stroke of my pen." A series of white-on-black incidents of violence followed, and the DA did nothing. But when a white student was beaten up in a schoolyard fight, the DA responded by charging six black students with attempted murder and conspiracy to commit murder.
It's a story that reads like one from the Jim Crow era, when judges, lawyers and all-white juries used the justice system to keep blacks in "their place." But it's happening today. The families of these young men are fighting back, but the story has gotten minimal press. Together, we can make sure their story is told and that the Governor of Louisiana intervenes and provides justice for the Jena 6. It starts now. Please join me:
http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=1621-383756
The noose-hanging incident and the DA's visit to the school set the stage for everything that followed. Racial tension escalated over the next couple of months, and on November 30, the main academic building of Jena High School was burned down in an unsolved fire. Later the same weekend, a black student was beaten up by white students at a party. The next day, black students at a convenience store were threatened by a young white man with a shotgun. They wrestled the gun from him and ran away. While no charges were filed against the white man, the students were later arrested for the theft of the gun.
That Monday at school, a white student, who had been a vocal supporter of the students who hung the nooses, taunted the black student who was beaten up at the off-campus party and allegedly called several black students "nigger." After lunch, he was knocked down, punched and kicked by black students. He was taken to the hospital, but was released and was well enough to go to a social event that evening.
Six Black Jena High students, Robert Bailey (17), Theo Shaw (17), Carwin Jones (18), Bryant Purvis (17), Mychal Bell (16) and an unidentified minor, were expelled from school, arrested and charged with second-degree attempted murder. The first trial ended last month, and Mychal Bell, who has been in prison since December, was convicted of aggravated battery and conspiracy to commit aggravated battery (both felonies) by an all-white jury in a trial where his public defender called no witnesses. During his trial, Mychal's parents were ordered not to speak to the media and the court prohibited protests from taking place near the courtroom or where the judge could see them.
Mychal is scheduled to be sentenced on July 31st, and could go to jail for 22 years. Theo Shaw's trial is next. He will finally make bail this week.
The Jena Six are lucky to have parents and loved ones who are fighting tooth and nail to free them. They have been threatened but they are standing strong. We know that if the families have to go it alone, their sons will be a long time coming home. But if we act now, we can make a difference.
Join me in demanding that Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco get involved to make sure that justice is served for Mychal Bell, and that DA Reed Walters drop the charges against the 5 boys who have not yet gone to trial.
http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=1621-383756
Thanks.

I can't think of a title.....PRO-ME!!!

2007-09-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school I was a staunch pro-lifer..I believed that if you laid down and got pregnant then you had to deal with that, and you should give birth to the baby. It is your responsibility, and you shouldn't just be able to throw it away like yesterday's garbage. After talking with a few people I realized that its not always that cut and dry. Sometimes you are poor, sometimes you are in an abusive relationship, you know that if you brought this baby into the world you wouldn't be able to give it want it deserved, and that, above anything else, even killing your child for the sake of your personal life, would make you a horrible parent. While I was struggling with these facts in my own life, dealing with who's side I was on, dealing with all of this, I became pregnant. Still in high school, and not even sure who the father was. I was lonely and scared. Sick and immature. Getting ready to enter my senior year of high school, doing drugs and having sex, I was young, and at that point in my life, no matter how I want to think about it, or justify it, I would have made a horrible parent. I was still a child myself, doing grown up things, and while it looked fun, to have a baby, to have someone who would always love me, always be there, it sounded fun. I thought I was ready, and that i could do it. I started trying to hide it from my parents. I didn't tell them, only my boyfriend, the assumed father.

On a family trip, they found out. My dad, I guess looking into all of what I said before, and looking ahead a few years...made me get an abortion. I was so mad, I was hurt, and upset, but i did it. I laid down by myself on a cold hard table and let someone rip my baby from my body. They killed my first son or daughter. Somewhere, in a dumpster behind a planned parenthood, stuck to the side, is my son's older brother or sister. Why did i do it, is it because I was selfish, scared, a child, yes to all of the above. I don't remember much of what happened, and I guess they say that is a coping mechanism, to deal with what you don't want to, you forget about it. So I did that, I pushed it to the bottom, and I forgot about it. I vowed that it would never happen again. I vowed that I would never let someone take my baby again. And I didn't.

When I found out that i was pregnant with my son I was so scared, I was young, and in a new relationship. We had just celebrated our 1 year anniversary, and although I loved him, I wasn't sure I could bring a child into this. I did think about not keeping the baby. I never told anyone this(not even Husband), typed it or whatever, but when I found out I was pregnant and I asked James what he wanted to do, and if he wanted to keep the baby, he told me no. We decided to do what I vowed I would never do. I called to make the appointment, and when the woman started talking about how I understood all the risks associated with an abortion, and how I knew that it would mean the end of my pregnancy and death to the unborn fetus, I hung up. I cried. I cried to myself for hours. How could I do this again? How could I kill another baby? It was then that i decided that I couldn't. That I would keep this baby. When Husband got home from work I told him that, I told him that I would keep the baby with or without him, that I would raise this baby, and while it would be hard, and that i would definitely like it if he were with me to do it, that I understood that he didn't want the baby and that if he wanted to not be a part of the baby's life then I would be OK with that, as long as he signed over whatever parental responsibilities he had. He hugged me and kissed me and told me that we would do it together. 7 and a half months later I gave birth to our son, and while I understand that life would have been so much easier without him, it wouldn't be the same and it wouldn't be half as good.

Now you can imagine my surprise when I found out I was expecting yet again. My son hadn't even turned 1 yet, and I was about 2 months pregnant with the next one. I told Husband from the beginning that I would not consider having an abortion and that we would keep this baby. We went to the Dr's and there they told me that they didn't see a heartbeat, but that it was still early and that it could be so small that they could have just missed it. They told me to come back the next week and see the ultrasound doc. I did, and he told me with a stone face that my baby hadn't grown. they still didn't see a heartbeat, but that that didn't necessarily mean anything still, but the fact that my baby wasn't growing was a problem. They told me that I was basically miscarrying. I didn't know what to say. When I left there they probably thought that I didn't have feelings, I didn't cry, I didn't smile. I wasn't surprised, I didn't know what to say. They told me that they would recommend me giving my body a few days, at the most a week, and then if I hadn't miscarried by then that i would have to get an abortion. They also mentioned a D&C, but I was advised by my best friend to not get that. The problem was that insurance wouldn't cover what they called an "elective abortion." How is this elective, I thought, my baby is dead, its necessary. They told me that those were the rules, they didn't make them, only enforce them.

I went home and I waited 2 weeks. I took a vacation and celebrated my son's 1st birthday. I cried every night and woke up and was mommy all day. I guess this is where my feeling of loneliness started. I had no one who understood what I was feeling. Ber had gone through this also to a certain extent, but i felt like I had asked for it. God was punishing me. I had killed one child, and contemplated killing another, I guess he took it out of my hands and killed the third for me. i felt guilty. If only I had embraced each miracle when they happened, I wouldn't be putting myself through this. After my two weeks, with Dr's seriously advising me to have the baby removed, I made the appointment. I couldn't cry. If you cry they think you aren't sure and they won't make the appointment. I was sure, hell, I didn't have a choice.

**details of an abortion mentioned...If you don't want to know about it skip past this paragraph**

I went to the clinic on Saturday morning for my noon appointment. I sat in a room filled with women and girls of all different races and ages. Some were with their mothers, some were with their boyfriends, maybe some were with their husbands. As soon as I walked in they asked me if I was going to be awake or asleep. I told them awake. At already over $400 and with anesthesia costing even more, my bank decided I couldn't be put to sleep. I figured that would be OK. I never wanted to forget this. I felt like it was my punishment. I deserved it. We sat for about 4 and a half hours, being called back periodically to have my blood tested and my counseling session (apparently its required by the state of GA before an abortion). I also got an ultrasound. they made me sign something saying if I wanted to see the ultrasound picture,I checked yes, but once I was back there i decided against it. With the way I was feeling at this point, I wanted to see a bigger baby or a heartbeat so damn bad. I was sure I would just imagine it. I laid back, kinda like when i was pregnant with my son, I lifted my shirt, the tech never made eye contact with me, when she spoke to me, it was always with her back turned. We were in a small dark room, alone. When I was pregnant with my son it was a time of happiness, now it was a time of sorrow, sadness, no glee whatsoever. After she got done taking a few pics, she placed a tissue on my stomach and told me to "clean yourself up," I felt like the girl in the movies who had been used by the football team. Like I was nasty, dirty, filthy. Tears filled my eyes. I wiped off and asked her if that was it. She said yes and opened the door so I could go. I wiped my eyes and went back to sitting with my husband. After a few more hours of that, they finally called me back. Told me to get fully naked and to put on a gown and a hair covering. I did, and they escorted me back to another room with three girls in it. 15, 17and 27. They all knew this was what they wanted to do. they were so sure. The 17 year old said that this had ruined her relationship with her bf, he wanted the baby and he didn't. The 15 year old was talking about how her mom was ready to go and hungry and what she was gonna eat when she left. the 27 year old said that the guy she was with was her bf, but not the baby's father. She had been dating 2 men, and decided that she liked him more...she broke up with the other one only to find out that she was pregnant by him. Never did I hear the words, I don't want to do this. I'm scared. I just want to leave. I want to keep my baby. Where's the exit...All of these are what I was thinking. They asked me...Aren't you scared. You are gonna be awake. I was scared. I told them no. I was one of the older and I wanted to be strong, because the youngest 2, I could see myself in their eyes. It may sound weird, but i could see myself in them. Too young, doing what I shouldn't have been doing, scared, alone, but acting like I was strong. I wondered how many tears they had cried, how long they knew before they broke the frightening news to their moms. Did she cry. I wondered all of this, but I said nothing. I covered up, and let them talk among themselves, I turned to Dreamgirls. The nurse called them out one by one. Left me alone, again. I imagined my baby kicking, turning, moving, breathing, loving, kissing, crawling, walking, growing, and I cried. They called me back. Told me to lay on the table, put my legs in the stirrups, paged the Dr. He came in and rubbed my head. Told me to be strong. He said, you might feel a bit of cramping but you will be OK. The nurse told me that she was there for me, That if I needed to talk that she would be there, I could hold her hand if I needed to. I said OK. I wouldn't need her hand. I would be OK. I was a big girl, doing big girl things, making adult decisions, and I didn't need her hand. The Dr. inserted the speculum. He said, this is gonna be cold. wiped my cervix with beta dine. He asked me how I was doing, I told him OK. He asked about football. Told the nurse he wasn't a big sports man. Now back to me. He said, OK, this is gonna be a little pinch, I'm gonna insert the numbing medication. It hurt so bad. Like a big pinch, I knew it would be over soon. No turning back now. He took out the needle. Told me to breathe, I didn't even realize I had stopped. Inhale, exhale. He told me he had to insert it in the other side. I felt a pinch, burn, all the way to my butt...Inside. It hurt so bad. I moaned. The nurse rubbed my hand told me it would be OK. I breathed again. Instructions: Breathe, in and out, I'm going to open your cervix. Pain. Sooooooo bad, I have no words to explain it, I know it was worse than a contraction. I moaned, cried out, grabbed the nurse's hand. Once, twice, three four five times, I stopped counting, concentrated on my breathing. I was hurting. I was killing. Wait, I feel a kick. Maybe this isn't for me. I don't remember it hurting this bad before. I change my mind. Do-over. He stopped. I opened my eyes. bright lights. OK, in goes the vacuum. Pain, in my chest, in my uterus, in my stomach, cramps, sucking, twisting. I squeezed the nurses hand. Don't move. I cried. It hurt. I wanted Husband. Why can't he be with me? "I'll stop when I'm sure its all out sweetie, you are doing really good." Twisting, twisting, twisting, twisting, twisting, twisting, twisting, finally he turned the machine off. Sent the nurse to check something in another room..."You got it," she says when she comes back. The Dr helped me put my legs down, covered me with the blanket. "You did really good." After a few minutes they wheel me outta the room into another. I'm laying there, hurting, alone, crying. they ask me if I want some juice and crackers. I say sure. they lift my head, make me sit up. There is the 17 year old. Aubrianna. i don't know why I remember that. I remember thinking that it was a pretty name. Pretty name, pretty girl, poor thing. She asked me if it hurt. I nodded my head. screw being strong. I ate, I drank, got dressed. They sat me down, so you have a child already huh? Yeah, I'm still breastfeeding, please make sure the medication is safe. I killed one baby, want to keep the other one safe. YES, very safe. She gives me the prescription, tells me to take it easy, to be OK. I go to the car. Get my husband. He's annoyed. Asks me how I feel, I tell him like crap and close my eyes. Before I know it, I'm back home.

**end of abortion story, you can continue reading**

So now I've done it twice. Once my decision, once not. I regret both times. I wish it would have gone differently. I will never forget this, and I hope if you come across this page and you are thinking about whether or not you want an abortion, you won't either. I'm not being pro-life or pro-choice, I just want everyone to be more informed than I was. It's a big decision, and even if you don't experience the pain I felt before and during, we all experience the same pain afterwards, both emotional and physical. I love my son, and I know I could have loved more, I will when the time is right...just not right now. Now its time for me to go be a mommy. TTYL

feelings...nothing more than feelings...

2007-09-11T22:32:00.001-07:00

Life can get kinda depressing when you feel like you are against everything by yourself. I feel like every bit of pain and struggle, and everything I face, I am facing it all alone. I know I'm not alone, I mean, I have a husband who loves me and I know he loves me, and a best friend who says she will always be there for me. I have a mom that is my best friend, and a "group" of friends that are there for me. i guess i do have more than most, but for some reason it just still isnt enough to keep me happy.

Like I said, I know my husband loves me, but he spends every spare second he has in front of his game and that damn television set. I sometimes just wish I could take a sledge hammer to the whole damn set. He stays up all night, every waking minute, playing that damn game, and he comes to bed when he can barely hold his eyes open. We never have that healthy-couple cuddle talk time, because every time he hops into the bed its only to sleep. I try to mix it up, entice him in his land, on the sofa, he tells me to move out of the way or that I'm ignoring him. I feel like maybe he should be married to the game, and not to me. All I want is some time
with my husband and to not have to try to compete with something that isnt even alive. As I type this, he's laying next to me in the bed sound asleep only coming to be 5 minutes ago. Why am I even married. Why do I put up with it? Why don't I put my foot down? Because I don't know what else to do, I don't know how to make him change, and I don't want him to get so upset at me bullying him that he wants to leave. I just wish I had a husband and not a freakin throw pillow attached to a game controller. It's clear that I am sad. I don't try to hide it, I don't try to stop it. I heard somewhere that you shouldn't hide your feelings, so thats what I try not to do, but it is so hard sometimes. I tell him with tears in my eyes and sadness in my face that I am lonely, but he responds to that with his "ok's" and his "I'll be there soon." He comes to bed, and I guess you could say he does his part, I mean, he did play cards with me for all of 3 minutes, but what if I want more? What if I need more. I've started looking in strange places for friends, even connecting with an old flame who I could spend countless hours talking to. The sad thing is, as a married woman I shouldn't have to do that. When I get lonely
I should be able to turn to my husband. When I can no longer spend my days filled with the joys
of talking to a 12 month old, I should be able to call my husband and talk about his day. When I get to feeling this way, this sad, lonely, aching being...I should be able to turn to my husband and talk to him. The thing is, I can't. I turn to others, I turn to my blog, I turn to my ex, everywhere but the place I should be able to turn. I hope he reads this. I just want him to know, that his wife is sad. His wife needs something more than what hes giving her now, and that even though she doesn't know how to ask for it, that sometimes he needs to take a hint, and step up and be the man. That I need a companion, and a friend, and an ear, and a shoulder, and a lover, and a confidant, and a chatting buddy, and someone I can laugh with, and that he as my husband should try to be all of them. I want him to know that he said "I do" to me and not 99 nights, madden, tom clancy, nba 2k7, college football, or anything else, and that he needs to start acting like it. I know I've been rambling, but when I type through tears it gets like that. I know life isnt always perfect, but damnit...we can try can't we.

When I feel like I just really need someone to talk to, like most women, I just wish I could talk to my best friend. Sadly, she has been out all week having fun. She always tells me that she is there and that if I need to talk that I can talk to her, but its so much easier to say then do. I try to call her, and she's out, I try to talk to her on yahoo or msn, and shes out. For some reason I get like this whenever she gets someone new in her life, and its not that I want her to bbe unhappy, of course I want her to find the love that she deserves. But I need her too. I want her back. 1st Bekah, then Maegan. I wanted her back soooo bad from Bekah, that i was actually a little bit happy when I found out that Bekah was a total bitch...I just knew that I could then have her all to myself...Lo and behold though, Maegan came around. She seems to be a good match for her, and she seems to make her happy, but i just want my ber back. I want her to take 5 minutes out of her day and let me know that she is thinking about me, and that she is actually interested in my day and what has happened in my life. i don't know if it just a figment of my imagination or what, but i feel like since we had our babies, we have begun to separate. I just want Ber to know, that I love her and I miss her, but that I never want her to feel like she should sacrifice her own happiness for me....Just know that I am here...and my life hasn't been put on hold.

I guess this is just a rambling of me and y own pointless thoughts...I'm gonna talk to Chris and then go to sleep I guess.................TTYL

ggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2007-09-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

I hate bloggers strange formatting rules......

Ber did this corny thing....

2007-09-11T16:58:00.000-07:00

And I figured I would check me and Husband's also.... here goes

Libra + TaurusAir + Earth = DustLibra is ruled by Venus, and so is Taurus. Because of this there’s an immediate attraction between you. Your air element relates to your brains and your terrific communication skills, and all this appeals to the earthy and security-conscious Taurus. In return, Taurus can ground you and calm some of your mental scatter.You’ll both enjoy having a busy social life, but there are limits for Taurus, who loves the domestic side of life. You need the social circle, but it could get a little exhausting for Taurus, who needs a quieter sort of environment, at least from time to time.Luckily, you also like a bit of mental calm, and hooking up with Taurus will probably help you balance your bouts of partying and high living. You’ll be happy to finally settle into a more balanced routine. If you can be sensitive to Taurus’s needs, and support them, the relationship will be a great one — an excellent mix of social and domestic satisfaction. This will be a partnership in which you’ll both nurture each other. You’re service oriented, and can help Taurus move towards their work and life goals. Occasionally Taureans lose the ability to feel inspired about what they’re doing, where they’re going — you’ll be good at giving them the gentle push they need. This ability to rejuvenate Taurus can cost you in terms of your own physical wellbeing, though, so keep an eye on yourself.Also, you and Taurus may sometimes find your agendas out of sync and needing adjustment. In extreme cases, your love of the social life could mean you’re not ready to settle down when Taurus is. Allowances will need to be made on both sides. If you end up surrendering to Taurus’s needs out of a sense of obligation, your wellbeing and mental peace will suffer. Taureans born between 11 May and 21 May are far too grounded for your liking and could be a challenge for you. It will be hard work to get them up and out of their own fixed way of seeing and doing things.

So based on that, We are good for eachother because we can have great communication and compatibility. He makes me want to settle down and I make him want to succeed. We can nurture eachother but his practicality along with his stubbornness can make me go insane.................

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT!!!

12 month dr appt

2007-09-10T16:52:00.000-07:00

Now I know why I gave birth to the boy...Its so he can do little things to make me laugh... He had a dr's appt today and sadly they had to give my baby shots. Well, as all of you other mommies know, they do everything before the shots so that you can quickly get your screaming little brat out of there...

So after the whole appointment of P flirting with the nurses and Dr's they go to get the needles for the shots. When she comes back into the room with the 2 needles, she looks at P, and in a sweet voice she says...

"Hey sweetie, You ready?"

Then my little sweet boy, my littlebundle of happy baby joy, looks at her, and very seriously says,

"No."

Ha ha ha ha ha, it was priceless. He just turned 1, and even though he didn't know exactly what was happening, he knew enough to know to say no.

I love him. ttyl

Dear You,

2007-09-07T21:05:00.001-07:00

I love you. I love you so much and I wish we could have made this entire journey together. I know it would have been hard for both of us but we could have done it. I am going to make a small promise to you if you can return the promise. I promise that when the time is right for both of us we will be back together. We will make this journey. It's not that long, we could do it. One more thing. I promise you that if you can make your little heart beat for 9 months, and grow your little body for 9 months, I will nourish you for 9 months, and I will love you forever. I don't know if its my fault why everything happened, I know that it might not be, but as your mommy I have to put a little bit of blame onto myself. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Love,
Your Future Mommy

9/7/07

2007-09-07T21:01:00.000-07:00

Yay, my baby is finally on a normal sleep schedule kinda. He goes down at 8 pm and he gets up at 9 am. This is what we have been trying to do for soooo long, and it seems like once he turned 1 it all just fell into place. WaaaaahhhhH!!!! My baby boy is all grown up. Ber told me that her little Chancey-Whancey is in school now and I feel like I'm an old lady. I feel sad, and nauseous, and sleepy. Tomorrow is the procedure and I am having such a struggle in my heart over it. I'm gonna go to bed now...good night

hmmmmm

2007-09-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

Ber is on a date...I wish she was home so I could talk to her. I'm scared and nervous about Saturday. I hope she has fun with Meagan...That chick better be worth it.

my journey

2007-09-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

Well, since I got the bad news about this pregnancy I have tried everything I could to assist my body in miscarrying. This has gotta be the hardest thing in the entire world, praying for a miscarriage. It feels so damn backwards. Well, I guess I promised I would entail my journey,, so I will. I don't think I will ever look back on this and want to hear about this again, but hey, u never know right??

OK, I found a "recipe" for inducing a miscariage here and I started out the next day figuring out what I needed to do. Me, Husband and P went to the store and bought a bottle of vitamin c and some parsley and some aspirin. The "recipe" says that I need to start taking 6,000-10,000 mg of vitamin c (thats 12-20 vitamin c tablets) and 4 aspirin a day. I also have to start making a parsley infusion (thats like parsley
tea) and drink that, and the wierdest part is that I have to then insert a fresh sprig
of parsley up my hoohaa every 12 hours. I can tell this is gonna be strange before I
even do it. Well, I do that for 3 days, and still nothing, all I want to do is feel better.
The parsley infusion was the hardest damn thing to do because I am still very
nauseous and gaggy over everything. This sucks. Well, I suppose I should tell you, all
in all, it hasn't worked, and I am still "carrying a "baby" around in my body. I just
want to get this whole ordeal over with. I have the procedure scheduled for Saturday
at noon. I will let you know how it goes after it is all over, any questions....feel free to ask.

update

2007-09-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

Well, Well, Well.....
What's new this week...

~My baby boy is 1
~ I'm not going to be having a baby
~Probably not for a long time

Let me take a second to explain...

My son turned 1 on September 1, 2007. I was happy but damn, this means my boy is really growing up, and there's no way to stop it. I love him so much its ridiculous, and for his 1st b-day I decided to engage in a long standing tradition and buy him a gold bracelet for his b-day. He's actually doing alot better with it then I thought he would, I guess thats one sign of being a big boy huh?

I found out one day last week that my baby was no longer viable. The doctor's said that it had stopped forming at about 4-6 weeks. I think I'm ok with this, but now I have to go and have a procedure to remove the fetus since my body doesnt seem to want to expel the baby on its own, I guess its kinda strange, I don't want to let go of the thought that I could be a mommy again, and my body is holding on just as tight. It hurts to know this, but i guess I will be ok. I mean everything happens for a reason right?

This whole baby thing has led me to rethink my child plans. I really want to be able to go back to school and do that whole thing, and I was trying to think about how I could do it all and be a good mommy. I think I'm gonna get some type of a long term bc. Kinda like mirena or something like that. I love my boy, but I cant put mybody through this again, especially if I am not ready.

Other than that, I suppose life is ok. I have been really sad lately, and I guess its because f this whole baby thing and the hormones going crazy because it isnt a regular pregnancy, but I hate feeling like this, they also say that after the whole procedure this feeling may just get worse. I don't know if I can handle this. Well, I guess I'm gonna go get in the bed now. I feel crappy. I'll ttyl.

Happy Birthday

2007-08-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

Today would be my grandpa's 72nd birthday. He has been gone a little over a month, and so far life hasnt gotten any better. People keep telling me that it will get better as time goes on, but I haven't felt it getting any better yet. Every so often I feel like its getting a little bit better because i can smile and think about something else, but whenever that happens I just start thinking how happy I am that its finally feeling better, and then I realize that its not feeling any better. Thats when my day sucks.

On the other hand, I have 2 more days till my own little boy turns 1. It kinda sucks that the two days are so close to eachother, but this means my son is a VIRGO, and my grandpa was a virgo. And if I've said it once, I've said it "a million times, " my grandpa was the greatest man I ever knew. Maybe it will rub off on my boy...

ON A COMPLETELY OTHER NOTE,

Today I spoke to my dad for a whopping 5 seconds, and he told me basically that if I dont go back to school in the next semester than he will not give me anymore money. Now, I guess I am supposed to be a grown up, and I suppose I am married and daddy shouldn't still be paying for me...but hey, its my life, and it works.......so screw you!!!!! My ideas behind that were.....YES, the way to make me go back to school is to stress me out about money......!!! WONDERFUL DAD!!! I'll go back to school when I get ready and when it feels right for me. I wish you could respect that, but if not...then...

One lesson...

2007-08-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend today and he asked me a very profound question. He asked me.....

"If you could give your son one lesson to hold on to as he grew up, what would it be?"

At the time I think I said something like I would tell him not to ever downplay his own intelligence or aspirations to fit in with the crowd. Thats one thing I did, as stated here, and I still regret it to this day. But then I thought, why should I do what so many other parents do, push my own dreams and problems onto my child.

So I decided to make a list of the top 10 things (in no order) that I would like my son to grow up knowing, any lessons that I would like to teach him.

lets see how this works out...

(Obviously him knowing that i love him would be on any mother's list, so I'll leave that one out)

1. There is never any reason to hit anyone. Male, Female, it doesnt matter, fighting is what dumb people do with their hands when they can't do it with their minds or their mouths...

2. If you have to fight, dont ever hit someone smaller or weaker than you, only a PUNK starts fights he knows he can win just for the fun of it...Someone should have told Bush that before IRAQ.

3. At the end of the day, make sure you are happy with the choices that you have made. Forget what anyone else wants or expects from you. If you are not happy, then you shouldn't have done it, and since you cant turn back time...dont do it in the 1st place.

4. Do something for your community. Being a smart black man is no longer enough in our society. Make yourself valuable to the people around you...even if its just because you help little old ladies take their groceries in....

5. When someone...(anyone...male or female) says no...they mean no. Regardless of the situation, you take that 1st answer and stick to it...No one has ever gotten in trouble for a NO!!!

6. Be honest, make your word mean something. When you promise to do something, do it. Credit with a company is great, but credit with people is even better...but much harder to redeem.

7. Whatever you do, do it well. The saying isnt practice makes perfect for nothing. Whether its sports, school or anything else. Do it with everything you have every single day...I guess this one is similar to another one up there...but this one merely says: Do what you do, and do it with pride and integrity.

8. Nobody is perfect. Don't hold grudges or animosity. Sometimes you have to be the 1st one to apoligize, even when you arent always wrong.

9. Be clean. Wear your clothing right. Don't speak with a heavy accent. You never know who you will run into walking down the street and they are called 1st impressions for a reason.

10. Be a man, and when you have children, pass down any bits of wisdom you may have to them. Its your job, and if you don't do it, no one else will.

Good news :) ??? Or Bad news :( ???

2007-08-10T14:57:00.000-07:00

Well...today i took a pregnancy test and it was revealed that your favorite mommy blogger is once again pregnant...I don't know how to feel...Husband and I had always stated that we would begin TRYING to have another baby after P turned 2 or after he became potty trained. I guess on the other hand we should feel blessed. There are people out there who try and try for years to get pregnant, and never succeed, and the fact that i have succeeded 2 times in 2 years to get pregnant and never trying (even after being told that i wouldn't be able to have children) is a godsend.

Well, I guess you all want to know the details of the pregnancy...so here goes...
Date of conception: June 22, 2007
Due Date: April 13, 2007
And I consulted the Chinese Gender Calendar to find the sex, so far this Calendar has a 6/6 record, it said the sex would be: GIRL!!!

Wanna hear 3 things that I think are pretty funny??? ok cool...
1. When we were in Bluefield for the funeral we found out that my 2 other family members are both pregnant, and mommy says someone else is pregnant, these kinds of things happen in threes, she then looked at me...NOT ME I yelled...then we found out that my other cousin was pregnant...i thought i was scott free...but apparently these things happen in fours in my family.

2. Around the time I got pregnant before Husband's uncles were teasing me saying...you are pregnant...watch, you are pregnant. This was before I was even pregnant so it was obviously nonsense...On Husband's father's b-day July 17 one of those uncles, out of the blue says...You are pregnant...Overall he seems to be a bit early...but he's 2/2.

3. Both times I found out i was pregnant they were on football days. And after finding out, Husband left me at home alone to go watch football. The 1st time it was during the superbowl, and this time it was the Atlanta Falcons 1st game of the pre season. Also, both times, the team Husband is going for loses...

So this is why I keep him around...

2007-08-05T14:54:00.000-07:00

You know...you never realize just how much you love someone and how much you depend on hem until you don't have them there...I now know...I love Husband with everything that I am, I spent less than a week away from him and both me and the boy missed him like crazy...I haven't been away from him for more than a few hours since before I was preggo...and if he ever gets it into his head that he doesn't want to be daddy, hsband, confidant, best friend, etc. anymore, then I am screwed.

Funeral

2007-08-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

Today was the funeral. It was actually quite beautiful and I'm sure my grandfather would have been proud. He had a lot of people that he loved and even more that loved him. I had never been to a funeral before and I didn't realize just how much I would cry, or how much the other people around me would cry. It really was quite touching. Over this week I learned a lot about my Grandpa and who he was. I had always known that he was a proud Marine and just how much he loved his country, but I did't know just what a Jar-head my grandpa really was. They had all of his medals displayed, including his bronze star medal which was presented just to him from the President of the United States, and for which he received a parade at his homecoming from Vietnam. His sisters sang for him. My cousin presented a poem for him and we all said goodbye to him and buried him right next to his brother and his parents.

I know that my grandpa had some health problems in his final months, and that he wasnt always feeling his best. But being the proud man that he was, he never let it show. If we hadn't just known that he was feeling this way then we never would have found out. In my grandpa's final days he was able to drink all the soda and liquids he wanted, he was able to go outside and play with his big boy toys (read: lawnmowers) until the wheels really fell off of them and then he went in the house, got in the bed, and slept the most peaceful sleep ever. Now I picture him with my Grandma Barbara holding hands...TOGETHER FOREVER...give her a big kiss for me grandpa. I love you.