Thursday, December 18, 2008

I'm depressed...

Like, not in the clinical "I need medication and therapy" way or anything, but in the "I'm just really sad, and i don't know what to do to get myself out of this mood." way.

I feel like everything that I am trying to do is wrong. I try really hard to make every one around me happy and to make their lives better, but at the end of the day i feel like I am left empty. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, because I know I have a good life. We aren't rich, but we are happy, I am loved, and I am able to do things for my son that make his life better. I have so many things that other people around me could only wish for, including the ability to stay home with my son so I don't have to leave him with anyone else, but for some reason I can't just dwell on those things. I can't force myself to smile when thinking about how i am lucky.

I don't know if its pregnancy hormones, or what, but every time I sit and think about it, I just want to cry. My health, and the health of my baby may be in danger. My mood and energy, and its impact on my son are clearly visible. We are trying to buy a house, and we have the money I guess, but it just never seems like its enough. I talk to my husband about it and tell him that i will just get a job and put my son in daycare, and he tells me no, that its not in our plans, but I cant feel anything but guilt when I have to call my mom and ask her for money to make our dream come true. I have no one in my life that I can just call and cry to. Everyone is in a worse positin than i am. How am I supposed to call and talk to you about my home-buying problems, or my stay at home comcerns when you are struggling to just make ends meet. this is what I mean. I am so blessed, and so lucky, and so secure that I feel bad complaining about it, and feeling bad about that doesnt do anything for my bad mood already. Sorry I've been babbling, I just don't know what else to do but pull the blanket over my head and cry...and I like to leave that up to my two year old son.

Posted by ME at 8:52 AM