I know you have all heard about the Dyson vacuum right??? Well, its the vacuum that never loses suction, and the little 30 dollar piece of crap I have now could never compare. To top it off, it has that guy with the sexy english accent (whats that sound...thousands of SAHM's remembering the sexy english-man??) to promote it. Well, I just found a super cool contest over at The domestic diva where you can win a PINK one...OMG, could you believe it??? Pink, you should totally enter it, Just in case.
As everyone knows, I am fascinated with children. I love their little noses, and the little toesies...I love the way when they smile its always so pure and genuine, they never make fun of you, and they never play on your insecurities...huh...oh wait, sry......The thing I love the most about little children is the way their little minds work. Today my son and I took a trip to my good old Alma Mater (can it still be called that when you dropped out in your junior year, or only if you graduated) CAU to get my transcript request done and find out what my new ID number was (used to be my SSN, since when did it become cooler to be designated a group of random numbers...oh well). So during our trip we rode the train and the bus, and even these two things I call feet. We had fun but near the end of the trip he started getting sleepy, and ironically, for those of you that don't have kids, let me tell you, when kids get sleepy, the last thing they want to do is go to sleep, so instead he starts squirming and trying to get out of my lap while we are on the bus. Now some time ago I learned froma very mean school bus driver that if you stand up while the bus is moving you will undoubtedly get thrown through the windsheild.(..nothing has to happen, she never mentioned slamming on the breaks or anything, just that if I stood up, somehow I would get thrown through the windsheild.) (She was also responsible for the "a semi will come rip your arm off if you stiick it out of the window" story.) So using all of my previous knowledge about sed windsheild I would not let him get down. Instead I tried to pull him closer to me and talk to him in a low voice and give him kisses, sometimes this works because he tries to hard to listen to what im saying that he actually stops whatever he was doing in the first place to listen.. When I did this my little baby boy, the child that I nursed for over a year, and held every niight in bed so daddy wouldn't roll over and kill him, this little boy put his hand firmly on my cheek and pushed my face away from him...OMG...can you say heartbroken???? When did my baby learn to push mommy away from him. I am at a loss for words...TTYL
As I spend every minute of my free time talking to expecting and new mothers I can't help but feel a slight bit of jealousy when these mothers, some of them as young as or even younger than me, tell me that they are in no need of information on a University because they have already graduated from college. After all, had things just went a little bit different, I would have been done by now, but instead, I decided to get into a serious relationship, put school on hold, and have my child. Decisions which I would never give up. Recently I decided that i would re-enter into school and finish getting my degree. This decision is not only for me, but for my child, and even any unborn children that we may choose to have in the future. I believe that in order to give them the best life possible I have to make myself into the woman I want to be. Before my child I wanted to be a psychologist/psychiatrist, and I believe that in order I have to fulfill my own dreams so I do not become some lowly old housewife dreaming of days gone by and trying to keep up in a college room of 20 somethings at the ripe old age of 60 (no offense to over the hill college students, its just not for me).
I also believe that if, god forbid, something happen to my husband that would put him out of work for a whie, that i as the other head of house hold needs to be able to stand up and go to work, and by getting an education at least equal to that of my husband, I am insuring that I will be able to at least keep us ina lifestyle that we have grown accustomed to. It saddens me to hear that women have no further aspirations than, "being a housewife", or that they "have no idea how much he makes or what he does with the money". I would wish no ill will on these women, but when life doesn't work out the way its suppsed to, as it often does not, what will you do? Perhaps it is my stauts as a self proclaimed "strong black woman" but i do not believe that it is anyone's job to take care of me. I want to be assured that if my husband left me tomorrow or if he died in his sleep tonight, I know where the insurance papers are, I know who to call, and that when the time is right, that i will be able to get off my ass and get a job so my son and I don't have to go beg at the Salvation Army, or live off of government checks every month. I believe that as the women that is one promise that we must make to ourselves and our children...If daddy ever wants to act stupid, mommy will be able to take care of you.
I hope I can get in school as early as possible. I want to make my dreams come true.
Because he lets me buy books when we aren't supposed to be "shopping"
Well, today we went to the mall to go pick up our rings...Absolutely beautiful. Now that I see it in a size that will actually fit my finger, I love it even more. The only thing I am not especially in love with is the diamond. Now that the ring is bigger, I can really see that the center diamond on the "engagement ring" is up really high and it terrifies me that i will somehow take my poor boys eye out with this thing. I have to be so freakin careful. Once we did that I realized that my son smelled like there was a dumpster in his diaper so we rushed to the potty room with out blinders on. All of a sudden some woman ran up on me with a flyer in her hand...telling me to read the excerpt of her book and come check it out because she was having a book signing. Now this was kinda sad, I felt bad for my sista...here she was in a predominately white mall....(in all of ATL, she had to go to the whitest mall of them all) trying to promote her black literature that smacked of EJD mixed with a hint of Zane and a bit of her own southern writing style. I didn't even read the excerpt she gave me, and instead decided to go in a buy one of her books...Of the two that I read the backs of Lawd Mo Drama was the one that I thought would be the best, so I go to the check stand girl and tell her I want to get her book...Now first of all, for all of you that know me, hearing me ask for Lawd Mo Drama in and of its self would ave been hilarious...especially since I still can not pronounce it. I am by far the whitest black girl in the world...think Bryant Gumble's and and Hilary from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air's love child...enter me!!!
So anyway, there is much blushing and pointing and mumbling, but finally I leave with the book, and go out to have her sign it. I smile as huge as I can while shes signing it and tell her who to make it out to. She looks up at me and grabs a little scrap of paper out of her bag and asks e how to spell it again...I tell her and she tells me to look for my name in a book of hers very soon. yay me...this would mean a club on myspace, a piece of art, and hopefully soon a book. I see a victory for all of the silent H's in the world.
So I have started reading her book. I love it but it moves very fast, so fast reader like me sometimes has to go back because one sentence carries several hours and I am later left sitting there wondering what happened between 4 and 6. I'll give you a better review when I finish it.
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.
As anyone who knows me knows, I am from San Diego, CA. As hopefully everyone knows, San Diego is now on fire. This kind of thing happens all the time, every year, but normally it is just by the rich homes out where the celebrities live. This means that I personally don't feel all that bad about it. Now however, places much closer to home are burning. I am very scared and hoping for the best for my family and friends, and I want them to all know that they are in my thoughts and prayers. If life were perfect, those fires would all be able to be contained and taken down, and everyone who was evacuated would be able to go back home safely. Sadly, though, life is not perfect. The fires are not even 0% contained, and many homes are already gone. The question of what you would grab if there was a fire has been brought home to so many people who never thought they would ever have to ask that question. It has also been suspected that it was started by an arsonist. Luckily there have been no deaths so far, but I hope that if someone does get hurt or killed, that the person who started this hell fire has to suffer to the fullest extent of the law.
I ask of you one thing, please just hope, wish, pray or beg that the families in San Diego will be safe and come out of this ok. TTYL.
I miss it like it used to be. I miss being able to talk to you when ever I wanted to. Now its so much different, after one conversation this has gotten so much harder than it should be. You tell me about random emails and letters that allude to undying love and satisfying sex, and they actually hurt me in my soul. We've been friends again for awhile now, and all of a sudden these true colors are showing. It makes me wanna cry and feel like now I have to say goodbye to what we once had. But I've known all along that in time things must change, so it shouldn't be so bad. So why do I feel so sad?
How can I adjust to the way that things are going when it's killing me slowly and I just want it to be how it used to be. You cannot hide the way you feel inside, I realize your actions speak much louder than words. But then tell me why we have to live like this.
**quotes Alicia Keys-Why do I feel so sad**
If you want anymore, listen to our song...you know, the one by Beyonce.
Wow, Two posts in one day. You all can tell I'm extremely bored or working...(actually both ATM) because I completely ignore the need for organization and cohesiveness and I post 2 blogs in one day. What do I mean you may ask, well...I hate the way that when you post multiple blogs they only post the date at the top of one. I know, I know, its a completely random and petty thing to worry about, but hey...its me and since I can't control anything else in my sad, sad little life, I choose to control that which is mine and only mine...MY BLOG...
You now may be asking what in the world could be so wonderful and cool that I decide to abandon all hope for normalcy and perfectnes. Well, its simple, I found a really cool blog, and this blog had a really cool 4 things meme...and I thought, wow, what would be cooler than to copy someone elses idea and substitute my own answers, theres really nothing as narcissistic as that...and I've been a very non-narcissistic person as of late...Time to reclaim my name fame...
4 Jobs I’ve Held
Cashier at a thrift store that sponsored battered women's shelters...taught me two things, that the man that is fool enough to put his hands on me should make peace with his god first, and that not all thrift stores are all nasty, dirty, and smelly.
For like a week I worked selling credit card machines to businesses over the phone, I believe I sold a few, but the boss man cheated me out of them.
PM merchandiser at Costco...Taught me that rich people will spend a million dollars in a place if they can be promised $4.00 rotisserie chickens and 10 gallon tubs of mayonnaise.
Concourse Supervisor, I actually kinda liked this job, I was the youngest supervisor ever and it was cool outside of the fact that I had people older than my mom working for me...Kinda hard chastising someone for coming in late when they could be your grandparent.
4 Films I Could Watch Over and Over
40 yr old virgin
I have no idea
Can you tell I'm not a huge movie buff???
4 TV Shows I Watch
Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice: I love the writing, and the characters, and the fact that every single doctor in both shows is hella movie star sexiness...No ugly doctors at these hospitals...I gotta move to Seattle or LA.
House: I love the fact that hes such an asshole and yet so brilliant...don't we all just wish we cold tell the people of authority in our lives to screw off cause we have all the answers and we are gonna do it our way...???
Desperate Housewives: Yes, I know, I know...I'm one of THEM..who are THEM you ask...one of those housewives that watch Desperate Housewives and just reish in the fact that I am not yet as desperate as they are...Sadly though, I;m also not as beautiful, rich, or semi-intelligent...Oh well, you win some and you lose some.
Pushing Daisies: I absolutely the way its told like a story book. The writing is cute, and its a very cute concept.
4 Places I’ve Lived
San Diego, CA: I grew up there, my heart will forever live in the shores of California.
Atlanta, GA: I became an adult in Atlanta, I met my husband, and gave birth to my son. No matter where I live, Atlanta will always be special to me.
Decatur, GA: My current home.
That's all...hell, give me a few years, I'm only 22.
4 Favorite Foods
Carne Asada quesadillas from Saguaro's on 30th ave in North Park, CA
Lasagna from...well just about anywhere
Ice cream...don't ask me a favorite flavor, I like many
Wow, I just found this really cool contest. The people over at 5 minutes for mom are hosting a really cool contest in celebration of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month (shhh...its October). The prize is a Casio Pink EX-Z75 digital camera. Its all in pink with a pink strap and a bunh of pinkness...OMG...would it fit me or what? I hope I win, but even if i don't, you should still go enter it, at least one of us will win...Go check it out for the rules and what not...GOOD LUCK.
Well...After turning my own wedding ring black putting chemicals in my hair (oops) I decided that I needed a new wedding ring, and since our official one year anniversary is coming up I proposed the idea to husband. To my surprise he agreed and we went to look at them today. The plan was to just look inside the jewelry stores and we would go buy them for Christmas. The 1st one we went in to was Kay, and I announced upon entering that we would not be buying anything. However, the two of us were always suckers for a good salesman. He showed us a nice set of rings that I absolutely fell in love with that was .5 cts, the coolest thing was that it was both the wedding band and an engagement ring (which we hadn't even planned to get), and it was in our price range. I immediately said yes and he started writing up the paperwork. Then he went to ask the manager something and came back with the same rings, same styles just bigger...1.5 cts...He told us that with the line of (duh duh duh) credit we had just taken out we would also be able to afford these. It was alot more than I had expected, so I asked husband, and he told me that if I wanted them then I could get them. As you can imagine, we got them, and they are being sized as I sit here. We have to go next Saturday so I can pick up my 1.5 ct diamond ring and wedding band...I know its not much, not nearly as big as the one promised to me by "that man", but the love is so much better. Plus, it will be the most carats I will have ever had on my body at any given time. I am really very excited.....I keep singing the "Every kiss begins with Kay" song. Yay mee... Be on the lookout for some pics once I get some.
**Because if he knows I really want something, its mine**
Today I took my boy to get his 1st haircut. In the black community its a really big event, and it saved until after the 1st birthday. In most cultures it signifies that the chid is no longer a baby, but is growing up. I had been trying so hard to not get it done, but I figured that at almost 14 months it was about time. Here is a few pics
P and his daddy (before)
He knew what was coming (still before)
(Great) Uncle Sheldon cutting my boy's hair (during)
Momma...make him stop (almost done)
What'd you think would happen...
I'm just as flyy as I've always been (after)
So, my baby boy isnt my baby boy anymore...now hes my big boy...
Finally a baby show that both mommy and P can love. Now they just need to put Denzel on Dora, or add Morris Chestnut to Moose and Zee, or even add Babyface to Blues Clues...But until they catch on, I'll have to settke for a bit of Chris Brown and Elmo...
Now I present to you...Chris and Elmo singing "See the signs"--->
Why do I adjust who I am and what I want for the needs of others? Why do I ignore my own happiness for the sake of others? Why do I put my family on the line to help people feel better of about the dissolvement of theirs?
Over the past few months I have been talking to a friend, whose marriage, unlike mine, has begun to dissolve. I felt really bad for him at first and figured that I would talk to him, after years of not talking, because at a hard time in someone's life, they always need someone to talk to. After a while I started remembering why we became such good friends back in the day. I realized that i actually liked talking to him, and my long days were no longer filled with so much loneliness because we would stay on the phone for hours. After awhile we began talking about very personal things, life, love, and happiness, and how we felt that both of our lives were lacking at least one of those. Our friendship was cemented upon that fact and the love that we had for eachother. After awhile I suppose our friendship was getting too strong. It scared me and delighted me all at the same time. While I know it was wrong of me to strike up a close friendship with a man who was not my husband, it just felt so damn good to have someone in my life that I knew loved me, WANTED to talk to me, and spend time on the phone with me, and tell me wonderful things about myself. I am also pretty sure that the support and company he gave me at the time was probably only setting to further the divide that I was finding between my husband and myself.
This friends of mine however is a very judgemental and sensitive person. and I felt myself pissing him off alot. I always seemed to be begging him to talk to me, to make me happy, and I gave up my dignity more than once in the past few months just to have someone to talk to me and make me feel like I was worth something. Last night somehow I did the same thing I always do. I made him mad and I still have no idea what the hell I did. He has refused to talk to me all day and I decided that this time would be different. I will not call him. I will not beg him back just so I can know that someone in my life actually cares how i feel. I will not call him. I will leave it up to him. If he wants me in his life then he will come back, and he will say so...
Wow...I just experienced one of the most relaxing evenings of my life. After feeding my son and getting him ready for bed. We went into his room to perform the nightly ritual that both he and I hate, It was bed time. Usually it consists of either me or daddy laying him down in his crib and walking out slowly while not making eye contact, turning the light off and creeping out of the door. I am trying my best to make it all seem much less repulsive and much quieter than it really is...In reality it is usually a bunch of screaming and yelling all the time while we are creeping out and for about 10-15 minutes later. I hate it.
Tonight however, I laid him down in the crib...immediately he started crying, I put the front railing down, and sat on the floor by his crib. I told him that mommy wouldnt leave him and I started rubbing his back while he laid in his crib. I started telling him the story of Goldilocks and the three bears, adding a very nice ending to it by the way because I don;t know how that daggone story ends...By the time I was done with the story he was fast asleep. It felt wonderful. I hadn't felt that good since i used to hold him in my arms and nurse him to sleep...It is truly a feeling no one but a monther could understand...Now I feel wonderful. And I hope you all have a wonderful night also...TTYL
Well, well well, as I type this I am on my way to church. I have done what so many modern adults do when those elders in my life pester me week after wek to go worship their god in their chosen house. I wasn't going to come this morning when I realized that my bed is much more comfortable than any old church could ever be. However, in one of my sleep induced rolls, I looked up at my husband and my son both loking so handsome and asking me where their shoes were and decided that a little bit of hope and prayer wouldn't do me all that bad. I hopped out of bed and ruffled through my closet for my only semi-modest dress and my ONLY pair of dress shoes, and now I sit. Speeding away trying to get to a church service that I really don't want to go to.
I don't know exactly why I don't support religion, I tried so hard, but it just clashed with my personality. Maybe its the section about women being subservient to or not as important as men (I can name at least 10 men who will never deserve that honor), Maybe its the fact that I cannot suport or trust in a religion that once supported slavery (people say times have changed, but if some people can still be mad at a group of people that suppported it, why can't I be mad at an organization?), Maybe its the fact that every religion proclaims to be the best and the only one that means anything (even though most religions have the same origins and believe in different ways of saying the same thing), Maybe its because I do not believe that the bible is true, considering that the different parts of the bible were written by only 1 person each (If a group of people go to a party, by the end of the night they will all have different accounts of what happened, so why should I believe one person's account of a time that I am expected to believe in?), Maybe its just the fact that I'm just a lazy girl who wants some way to rebel against the system. No way to tell.
We've been together for 3 years and all I got was this lousy anniversary...
Well, I have once again been let down by my husband. Tpday is our 3 year anniversary and I thought it would be kinda cute to do something. I told him weeks ago that I wanted to do something tonight, namely go see a movie and maybe go out to dinner..."ok baby, if we have the money we can." well here we are with the money, and yet it is now 5:11 pm and I am still sitting here in my bra and sweatpants. Doesn't look like we are going anywhere tonight. And to think, I actually thought he was kidding when he said that we were going to just stay in tonight. I am depressed...and this is sooooo not helping with my lonliness...
I found this meme on the blog of one of the readers. Actually, I don;t even know if she reads my blog regularly, I just know that she read it once and took the time to comment on it...And for that, I am stealing these ideas from her...Thanks puddin.
I'VE COME TO REALIZE
1. I've come to realize that, my ex: would make me happy if he merely promised to always be my best fried, my confidant, my therapist, my enabler, my phone buddy, my chat buddy, and my secret keeper, but one day he will sincerely want me to choose.
2. I've come to realize that, I talk incessantly about my son, and this is probably an annoyance to everyone around me, even though, as good friends, they will always deny it.
3. I've come to realize that, I love with everything I am, and it hurts so damn bad when that feeling and passion isn't returned.
4. I've come to realize that, I have been blessed so much in this life and that i spend too much time dwelling on the sadness that I don't take the time to enjoy the good things.
5. I've come to realize that, I lost a huge chunk of my life by devoting it to drugs, this was however the least stressful few years of my life thus far.
6. I've come to realize that, I hate it when for every step forward there are two steps back.
7. I've come to realize that, marriage is much harder than it looks on TV.
8. I've come to realize that, somewhere, someone is thinking that they want nothing more than the life I have.
9. I've come to realize that, I'll always be me...regardless of how many people try to make me into what they want.
10. I've come to realize that, I have a crush on goofy looking white boys, I do not understand it and neither will you, don't try.
11. I've come to realize that, the last time I cried was when i had my heart stepped on by a man I love, oddly enough that was just a few nights ago.
12. I've come to realize that, my cell phone was way outta my phone budget...but I am soooo damn happy I didn't get the Razr.
13. I've come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning to pee, I will ALWAYS look in on my son, and will unfailingly interrupt his quiet play time and send him into a fit of screams.
14. I've come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night I've gotta get that damn monkey off of my back.
15. I've come to realize that, right now I am thinking about, what Chris' answers were, and what Amber's doing.
16. I've come to realize that, babies are the one thing that makes me really want so badly to believe that there is a god. They are so perfect, and such a miracle nothing like that could have just been up to us irresponsible humans.
17. I've come to realize that, I get on myspace at least once an hour wishing I have a new message or something...I want so badly to have people in my life that actually love and care about me.
18. I've come to realize that, today I learned so much from my son, and I probably will tomorrow also.
19. I've come to realize that, tonight I will take my black ass to sleep.
20. I've come to realize that, tomorrow I will once again fail at being a housewife, no matter how hard I try.
21. I've come to realize that, I really want to just be loved by someone the same way I love them. I never thought I would feel like that less than a year of being married...but...
I have just realized why my life always feels so sad and lonely. It is something that I may have come across a long time ago, but never wanted to truly admit. Sometimes I feel like the man I share my life and my bed with is not in love with me. On any given day he would rather watch TV or play his video game than talk to me, and while I've said this before, I have never let you all know that he has willingly given up sex to do one of the aforementioned things. To all of you men, as ridiculous as it sounds, when you want sex, regardless of how, when, why, and where you want it, women give it to you...If we can't there has to be a good reason, and this is why it offends us so much when, when we actually try to give it to you...we basically undress ourselves, and throw ourselves your lap, and you just turn us away like yesterday's garbage. I'm sorry, I can not speak for all women, just the ones I have personally had this discussion with, and they all agree that it is very offensive, hurtful, and insensitive when we are pushed away. It is especially devastating when we already feel like we are not up to par physically-wise. If we have some extra weight, jacked up teeth, bad skin, or we are otherwise not aesthetically perfect, we begin to blame ourselves, and we feel like if only we were thinner, prettier, better looking, than you would want us. Now men, if it is true, then fine, keep letting us think that, but if not, then just kiss us when we want it. After all...you never know what our day was like, and why we need that extra cuddle time. I am not going to go back to my daily normal and lonely life. TTYL
Well, today I had to edit my blog...now it is perfect, I realized that I couldn't see my blog comments for any of my blogs so I changed that, and I added a little something extra...wanna know what it is...leave me a comment. :) Life is pretty good today. I have recruited yet another into my wonderful blogging clique...yay...more for me to read. ook...i guess thats it for now..ttyl
What should someone do when the find that they no longer feel the want or the need to talk to the people in their lives that they once considered good friends? When I get lonely it is when I feel the need to be near the friends that I ONCE considered near and dear. The problem comes when, at the times when I am feeling that I need to be close to these people, I realize just how much these people really care about me...and coincidentally, I realize that I don't need them in my life after all. For some reason it seems as though I am always getting rid of people in my life for one reason or another. It truly sucks to never be able to have that one person that you can call anytime just because. Me and my brother got into a huge argument and I basically wrote him out of my life, all things considered, I no longer have a brother/cousin named Deandre. In my mind you do not threaten me, my husband, or my son, and still get to maintain the luxury of being able to call yourself related to me. My cousin monique told me that I should bury the hatchet, that he has started playing football agian, and that if he gets rich and famous wouldn't I want a piece of it....I thought about it, and I decided that no, I don't want anything. I hope, and wish, and pray that if his dream is to go to the NFL that it comes true for him. I think of him as I would a stranger, I wish no ill will on him, but, if he were to die tomorrow, I would not cry. I stopped talking to my best cousin because of her alliance to him, it was not on purpose or anything, I just got tired f calling and hearing the "Deandre and me" stories. It is mighty hard to not care about someone you hear about constantly. Then Ber starts going through her whole divorce. When a good friend gets divorced, it doesnt only affect them, during the whole melee, you basically feel like you are getting a divorce also. You get the calls at random hours when shit starts sinking in, you cry with them (maybe they don't hear you, but you cry) and for them, you get angry, but it sucks, cause while the recent divorcee can call the ex and cuss them out, you just have to be a good friend, not do anything that may cause conflict, especially if it includes posting things on their myspace pages. their life changes as does the life you once knew...Calls early in the morning, knowing one's schedule like it was your own, Seeing it all change and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Your life changes just as much, as does your friendship. There is no denying it, friendships change and evolve, as does everything else, and like everything else, if you cant hang, or you dont like the way something is changing, you, and your friendship will be left behind. So you try your best to evlove, even when things are happening that you don't quite agree with, you try so hard to maintain that same relationship, but you can't, because that friendship is gone, and in its place is a new one. Still is the friendship between mothers, that will never change, but in addition it has become a friendship between a married woman and a single woman, a lesbian and a wife, someone who constantly doubts herself and a woman who is so sure of what shes doing it is scary at times. These are the times when the true question of who your friend is comes out in the open. You try so hard to maintain that childish bond, but it is so hard, achingly hard at times, and yet, still so easy at others. How does one hold on to a friend or a friendship that is changing so much at a time that she needs nothing more than just a little stability? In the past 6 months I have gone through more crap, than I had in the entire year preceeding it. First and second, the things with Amber and Deandre. After that, many starts and stops on my own journey through depression, reconnecting, losing, and reconnecting again with a very old friend, The almost real threat of a death followed very closely by a real death of the only real man I ever knew, an unwanted pregnancy, losing that unwanted pregnancy and then HAVING to go through the worst procedure and one I would only subject my worst enemies to, and wanting to die so many times in those months, and then wanting to live just as hard. All I want is for the world to stop spinning, just for one minute, let me get my feet planted firmly on the ground before it starts back up, I don't think they ever were to begin with.
Well, my weekend was extremely uneventful. As you may or may not know, my son still has yet to walk...At 13 months this can be a bit embarrassing when everyone else around him is walking, but the one thing I just keep telling people is that he can walk, he just chooses not to. I get nodded heads and looks of sympathy, but I just try to laugh them off...Today it was proven to my MIL that he can in fact stand up unassisted. Even after I told her time and time again that he could do it...she still seemed so surprised that he could....i wonder what that means???
I have just realized that if I were a celebrity, I would be a Z-lister. I feel like if I didn't have P no one in my life would still be here, or even care about me. Maybe its a disorder, maybe its just my conceitedness coming out, but for some strange reason, I want to be some one's entire universe. I want to be that girl from the loves stories, and the romance movies that has the man in her life that would do anything to make her happy. I want to be the woman in the dramas whose friends would absolutely die if she was gone, and I wanna be that girl in the comedies who is always the life of the party, and even though shes a little weird, and imperfect they all still love her and laugh at her jokes. I DO NOT want to be the girl in the scary movies who gets killed. Sadly, or luckily in some cases, life isn't a movie stage, and at some time we all have to understand that we are not the stars, not even of our own shows. So, should I just be OK with being the costar in my marriage, in my family, in my friendships, or should I do something about it. Make myself #1? How? My husband could care less about me on any daily basis, he would rather play that game than even have sex with me. My BFF Amber no longer needs my companionship and love. She has Maegan, and we rarely even talk anymore. And, now, the one person who actually needed me. For whatever reasons there were, Christopher needed me in his life. Now however, he has a new girlfriend. He doesn't need me in his life anymore. I am soooo sad. I will try to get over it, and deal with it the best I can. Hell, if i have to be a supporting actress...I'm gettin an Emmy for it.
Happy Birthday Kiana Monique Lovett...Daddy still ♥ U
Well, today was rather uneventful. I spoke to Chris and I feel really bad for him. He is goimg through so many things and so much stress with Jasmine. As it turns out, tomorrow is the baby's birthday. The last time he went to San Diego to see the baby her mom was acting hella shady about him spending time with the baby. It also turns out that Jasmine has been telling people that he sexually abused the baby. This is probably a lie. I don't know exactly what went on in that household, but I do know how much he loves that little girl. And I know that any mother in her right mind wouldn't keep their child in harms way. So, anyway, like I was saying, today is the baby's birthday and he doesn't know whether or not he should try to call and say happy birthday. I see 2 sides of the argument.
He should call the baby because: She is the only father she knows. He got married to this woman and decided to take on this baby (thats not his) for the last year and a half of her life, and if Jasmine decides that she wants to be like so many low class black women and tell the baby that her "daddy" that she knew as a baby is a deadbeat or whatever. Christopher has fallen in love with this little girl, and by taking one look at hos myspace page you can see this. He grew up without his father, and he knows the feeling. I told him that the relationship between a little girl and her daddy is even more strong than what he has. That its normally very comparable to the relationship between a soldier and his captor, a pirate and his booty, in addition to him being a basic proud parent, that he is also her protector, that he wants to shield his little girl from every bad thing in this world.
BUT...there are always 2 sides to every story...
He should not call her because: Simple enough, Jasmine has used the baby against him, to get money for her to use for drugs and such. He sent her a some money for her and the baby for a while before she even told him that she had sent the baby to live with her mom. He doesn't feel like he should be encouraging and giving her a way to use the baby for leverage.
Well, today I finally took the time to actually do something to my hair. It has been weeks, maybe even months since I actually "did" it, and it took me all of like an hour and a half...I didn't get to finish it because the baby woke up, but I got enough of it done. I just wasn't able to curl it, but if I wrap it tonight, I shouldn't have to put too much heat on it. I ahet putting heta on my hair...It makes it look so un healthy. One good thing about never doing my hair is that it is really healthy, and growing nicely. I would post pictures, but I can't find my digital camera. I haven't seen it since P's birthday trip, and that makes me sad. Now I don't know if I have any pictures from his birthday. WaaaahhhhhhhhH!!!!! Maybe I will set up a fake one...make him look really small, and put his blues clies ears on him...Whatever I finally decide to do, I promise i will post pics when I get them...