Friday, December 12, 2008

Dear you...

I miss you, a lot...and it was nice hearing your voice. I know my email may have seemed weird coming when it did, but I'd been thinking about you a lot, and when i told my hubby how much i missed you, he told me that i should send you a final e-mail to say goodbye..that's what that was, but that phone call recently, screwed me up. I cant stop thinking about you, and i wish i could remember why we are where we are in the first place. Its strange that when i think of you i get about 500 different emotions, but i guess that's what history does to you. Just last night I told my friend that we weren't talking anymore, and she said "again, you two keep going back and forth," and i realized, as i tried to justify why we were mad at each other, that she was right, we go through months of not talking, and then we are back again, inseparable. i know that you will probably never read this, and you probably dont even care whats going on in my head, thats the main difference between us...i care, you never do, but i want you to know that even though we may never become what movies say we should, i do love you, i do miss you, and i do think about you...every...damn...day!!!!

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Posted by ME at 7:08 PM

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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Update #1,267,847,895,678

I know my posts have been super spoadic...its cause im busy, but this means that all of my bloggerville followers, yeah...all one of you, have been left in the dark. Well, let me begin at the most exciting...

1. I'm expecting...no, not a christmas present...i mean really expecting. I'm pregnant...and I'm excited. My baby is due on April 24th, and we just found out on Friday that its a girl. I'm excited about that (cause what person doesnt want a little boy and a little girl...I get one of each), but after thinking about it and watching him play, I wanted a little boy for my little boy. I know it may sound weird that i want to have a baby for my baby, but, i could just see them, the brothers...!!! the boys! oh well, he will just have to make due (sp??) with his little sister.

2. We moved, no, not into our dream house, we didnt get it...(thanks dan greenburg, worst loan officer in the history of the planet...who has since gone on to IT work). But no biggie. We moved into an apartment in the city that I want to live in...out of the ghetto..and into the ...suburbs?? Oh well, i dont know. but no break-ins, no crack pipes, no loud music and negros hanging outside drinking 40's all day and night...and best of all, no bullet holes in my windows...!!!!!!!

3. I cooked my 1st thinksgiving dinner, everyione who knows me in real life, knows that the chikin dont cook (oh yeah, everyone who knows me in the real world knows that i refer to myself as "chikin" and yes, i know the correct spelling is chicken...but what self respecting woman is gonna call herself chicken..? get real and get used to it). The ham was good, the turkey wings were ok, the dressing was good (but made by my MIL...he he he) and the macaroni and cheese was just embarrassing. ha ha ha...never get a mac and cheese recipe from the net, and never add onions to it...it was nasty!!!

I think thats it for now. I'm not gonna make any promises as to my appearance, but i will tell youif i feel the need to post something, i will, and if i dont, well, then i wont. Luv you all, and peace out!!

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Posted by ME at 6:57 PM

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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Wednesday...just get me past it

Since everyone in the whole blogging world does wordles wednesdays...I figured i would be different this week (plus, I don't feel like searching through my millions of pics to find one)

So now, instead, I bring to you Weird Wednesdays...check it out, its fun and kinda cute.

1. Would you rather join the Ghostbusters to hunt ghosts or join the Sesame Street bunch? Why?
I would rather join the Sesame Street Bunch...Big ass puppets freak me out...but ghosts do it even more...Think of it as the lesser of two evils.

2. What is the most you are willing to do to get out of a police officer giving you a ticket?
Maybe flash him some cleavage, or pull a Jill taylor ala Home Improvement, and peek over the back of the seat with a short skirt...I'd get my ass chewed when I got home for flirting, but not as much as if i brought home a shiny new speeding ticket (because invariably, thats what my ticket would be for).

3. What popular movies do you find to be overrated?
I like the Harry Potter movies, but waiting outside all night is absolutely ridiculous...the movie will be playing tomorrow...Or better yet, just play hooky and go during a week day between like 10 and 2...believe me, no one is at the theatre then...Also, some movies that win awards, like American Beauty, Brokeback Mountain and the countless others that follow in those footsteps. Good movies, but don't tell me I'm gonna wanna smack my momma after I see it, cause if I don't get a momma smacking hankering...I'm gonna smak you.

4. What is in (and/or on) your bedside table?
On it are tons of dishes and chapsticks...in it, nothing, everything that was in it is now either packed in a box, or on the floor...I'm such a good housewife... :-\

5. Have you ever had or fantasized about having sex with a boss before? Have you ever acted on that fantasy?
Tee Hee Hee...no. All of my bosses have been women, older women, older women with bad breath...not sexy at all, but the loss management guy at the last job was a hottie, does he count...?

6. If you had a personal assistant, what would you have them do?
She'd (or he, I don't discriminate) would be my best friend...we would spend all day together, and i'd make them go with me to the movies. I like doing the little meaningless things in my life...Without those I'd have nothing.

7. Have you ever faked static, loss of cell phone reception or anything else on the telephone line to get out of a conversation?
Ha, I sure have...I think it is so rude to hang up on people...but not so much when my "phone does it" for me. And, if you have ever gotten tons of static from my phone and then gotten the clicky...It wasn't me, I do it to everyone but you...he he he.

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Posted by ME at 11:39 AM

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Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Chrisette Michele - Golden

I just wanted to give you all a taste of the shiz that's playin on my bootleg iPod at the moment. I love this woman and I love her voice, listen to it. (The lyrics aren't all perfect, but they are close enough to give you an idea as to the beauty of the song)




Just listen to that voice...OMG!!! What do we as consumers value as good music? Why do those people who have no talent sell millions, and this woman is struggling to get her 1st platinum...It's a travesty. Go buy her album...It's called I Am. I promise, if you don't love it (and you actually know good music), I will buy it from you.

P.S. No, I do not know Richard or Mariah aka 2feetb bka raindrop!!! if you don't get it, then you didnt follow directions.

P.P.S. I am playing this song when I finally get my wedding...Don't jack my shiz readers or I will come and find you!!!

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Posted by ME at 7:47 AM

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3

Inspired by this, I decided to go on a little weight loss journey myself. I started on Friday and weighed myself and decided right then and there that this shit would not fly. I won't tell you all my previous weight right now...Maybe another day, but I will tell you all that in the few days since I started, I have exercised, I have eaten less, and watched what I ate, and gotten someone to support me and motivate me (thanks Gary) and I lost 3 lbs....Very proud of myself...Time to pat myself on the back...

Anyone out there wanna be my other weight loss buddy??? Just lemme know!! Ok, luv ya...bye

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Posted by ME at 7:28 AM

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Friday, March 28, 2008

I am ashamed to even write this...

But my husband and I have been drawn into the addiction known as World Of Warcraft. I hate even having to say that, but they say that the 1st step to fixing a problem is admitting that you have a problem.

So here goes:

My name is [ME] and I am addicted to World Of Warcraft. Now maybe I can get some help.

Thanks alot [you know who you are], too bad we couldn't have played together..

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Posted by ME at 11:35 AM

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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

just curious...

Would you think less of a woman if she put up with her husband's bad behavior?

For those of you that follow the televangelist community, you have heard of the whole Juanita Bynum case. Well, for those of you that haven't, she is the televangelist, famous for telling women to leave abusive and dead-end relationships, whose husband whooped her ass in an Atlanta hotel's "public" parking lot. Well, as of like a month ago, they decided to reconcile. WTF???? Now maybe its just me and my domestic abuse employment history, but when a man has the balls to hit you at all in public, its probably because he has done it before in private, and it has become a way of life. What do you all think. Now this Bynum chick seems like she is a pretty intelligent, successful and stable black woman, so what the hell is going through her mind?

What about Hillary Clinton? We all know the story of her husband's indiscretion. I mean, hell, to those people old enough to really remember, it was like he cheated on us all with Monica. And what about that other woman...I can't remember her name, but she came out around the time Monica debuted that blue dress with the "spot," so as you can imagine, she is pretty inconsequential. Plus, the many women we never found out about. But anyway. Do you think less of Hillary because she stayed with Bill after it all...? I mean, I'm all for staying down for your husband, and I think its that fleeting feeling of companionship that's whats wrong with marriage these days, and i have even had to admit to myself, that if my husband ever cheated on me, and was truly sorry and truly showed me that it would never happen again, I would stay with him. He would have tons of work to do, but I believe that everyone makes mistakes and once is a mistake...twice or more is a habit.

This is the main reason why in this whole presidential race, I couldn't vote for Ms. Hillary...I saw her acceptance of her husband's multiple infedilities as a major weakness, maybe even a sign of dependancy.

A friend of mine brought to mind that sticking with something that is difficult in a time of adversity is what would make a good president. But I don't think so. I think that sticking with something when you know that you shouldn't is why the hell we are fighting this horrible ass war now. I think that as opposed to determination in a president, I want someone who knows when to give up. She talks of ending a war that was obviously a mistake, but she won't end a marriage that has been plagued by many.

Another friend brought up the point of what if she decided that she wanted to wait until she got to the pinnacle of her political career before she divorced him, you know, politics and family being as intertwined as they are. I truly believe that this is what happened, which is why for the most part I don't think of her as a weak woman, but rather a dishonest one. I believe that their marriage is a front, perhaps she knew that she would never make the presidential seat as a divorced woman, and what better position for the first female pres. than as the wife of the former pres.? And I respect her for her decision, but this in turn means that she is a liar...

Please remember, these are my views. My own personal views. If you feel the need to attack them, please do so, but do not attack me. I am a human and an american and I am able to speak my mid because of such. If you have any opposing views, opinions, thoughts, anything...please feel free to leave a comment detailing them...but lets all act like adults, k?

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Posted by ME at 5:42 PM

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Life isn't always perfect...but when it is you should take those moments and put them away for the bad days. Treat your life like a dreamcatcher...keep the good, destroy the bad.

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Posted by ME at 6:05 AM

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

★My baby pooped on the potty for the 1st time★

And I wasn't here to see it. Grrrr. I have stayed at home for the past year and a half with my son because it was important to me to be there for all of his firsts. I didn't want to miss out on anything that was going on in my son's life. I saw his first tooth pop through, his first smile, the first time he sat up, stood up unassisted, crawled, his first steps, his first word, (his first curse word lol,)and every other first that we as mothers suck up like crack....but I missed his first poopy.

It makes me so sad. Any mom will understand why. This time of potty training is a high time for a child. It is his last step from babyhood to big-boy-hood. He walks, he talks, but you still have that one link. You still have to go to the baby section in Wal-Mart. He gts his toys, his clothes, his food from the children's/toddler's sections but he is still your baby. It's exciting that he's taking this step...but still slightly sad.


And its even worse when you miss it. I guess this is the pain of being a non-constant stay at home mom. I am out of the house for 10 hours a week now, and after all of this time I feel that I deserve it, but it breaks my heart.


While sitting in class last night my husband calls me to ask if I'm on break yet, I wasn't but I figured it was important so I left class. He told me that my boy made a poo-poo and a pee-pee on the potty (excuse my language, I promise, I don't call it that in my daily life). I'm happy that daddy was here to be a part of it, and I would definitely rather it be with daddy than at some baby sitter's or daycare center. BUT I STILL WISH IT WAS ME!!!!

Have any of you mommies or daddies missed an important part of your children's lives? What was it? Did you feel like I do?

While the rational side of me understands that there are bigger things that a parent can miss, and that on the list of them, poop really isn't all that important (lol), it still breaks my heart. I'll be ok...I promise...TTYL

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Posted by ME at 7:56 AM

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Monday, December 17, 2007

Love me or Hate me...My Updates!!!

Well, well, well...Do you know how hard it is to start back writing an account of your life when you have missed over a month already. This is not the first time I have sat down in front of my comp with the intentions of writing it all out and bringing you into my life, but this may be the time that it actually happens. I should be cleaning. We will have guests this weekend, and the house is a mess, but sadly, thats when I do my best writing. My son is behind me playing with his toys so that should give me maybe 10 minutes. lol, its a damn shame.

So...Where do I start? I've already filled you in on my anniversary so I'll try my best to remember chronologically what has happened since then. Thanksgiving was nice. Uneventful. My son started trying to stumble around and walk. That was exciting, you wouldn't imagine the looks you get when you tell people that your son is 1 and still not walking, so sadly his father and I were trying to push him to walk. Well, as you can imagine, aside from a little stumbling and "creative falling" he didn't start that day.

We went to the baby shower of my husband's cousin and his wife, and it was nice. It was at his wife (Ashlei)'s parents' house, and OMG, it was beautiful. Definitely close to the dreams James and I have for ourselves. She was even a pretty pregnant woman. However for some reason, I think that carrying boys makes black woman half of what they usually are. It darkens their skin, spreads their noses, thickens and darkens their necks...it definitely goes away after the baby, but until then, it makes you happy to know that you aren't trying to pull a man...lol. Anyway, back to the baby shower. It was very nice, and as usual, the men were banished to another room where James, his cousins Chris and Vernoris, and my baby were hanging out. James had to keep walking around with P all day cause he wouldn't have it any other way. And guess what happened...he still wouldn't let go and walk by himself. lol. We went home that night, and while I was in the bathroom, P comes walkin in...no holding anything, no support, just walking in. I smiled and called James, and P got spooked and fell, but on November 24th, my baby took his first true steps...and he's been walking since then. I got a video for my mom, which you all know will be put on here in a few days, once I figure out how to get it done. lol

I regained confidence in men and my husband's cousins for the first time in my life. He and his girlfriend went through the same thing me and james went through here, and they came out of it. She called me crying and I didn't know how to console her other than telling her to hold on to her man. I told her that it happened to us also, and what I did to help us through it. Apparently whatever she said or did worked, and I wish them many more years of happiness.

My ber is going through something I guess. This may be the longest part, because I want to write this without offending anyone, so I may use some extra words as padding when necessary. Now let me start off by saying that I do not in any way dislike, discriminate against or otherwise "hate on" homosexuals at all. And I am of the mindset that homosexuality is ingrained. I believe that its something that you are born as, and not something that you become. I also believe that in today's society it is much cooler for women to be gay then it is for men to be gay, and that female homosexuality has become a trend that even truly straight women dabble in sometimes, and that it is fine to do that, but its even more of a reason why we are not/should not be categorized by our sexuality. Because, for example, I am merely Me...I have been with women, and I love the form and shape of a woman, but I am married to and truly in love with my husband, a man. And I do not consider myself to be bisexual, because on any day, I would take a man over a woman. And I believe that to a true bisexual it would be more like a decision between someone 5'8 or 5'9...they would need to know the person, male/female, wouldn't matter. Now you have been all up in my business for long enough, back to the Ber. So, after an entire life of straight-ness, with no attractions to women or anything, she decided that she is a lesbian. And not just any lesbian, but the butch, short hair, dominant, sex-crazed, completely opposite of her old self, lesbian. And I know that sometimes some women can change at times in their lives, and be truly happy, but I feel something in my soul that just doesn't feel right. But anyway. In the past year, I have seen Ber put her children behind her happiness. And I as a woman, mother, and someone's child, feel like that is never ok. She loves her children, I would never say that she didn't, but just that she has been making some very self-serving decisions. As I type, she is now ( I believe) still in Washington with her "chick", a married woman who is also selfishly thinking of only herself. Her happiness, her needs, and never what Amber needs, she gave her a vacation, which she wanted, but in that vacation forced her to leave her children at home with a man whom Ber herself believed would hurt her child, to the extent of getting a restraining order against him less than a year ago, just so she could have 2 weeks with her in her hometown in the home that she and her husband share. The original plan was to go for 6 months, and I begged Ber not to go. I told her that she'd be missing so much of her children's life, for some woman. I mean, I could never see myself leaving my child to go spend time with a married man, no matter what the situation was. But she is an adult, and while the rest of us were allowed to make stupid decisions in our youth, she decided to get married, and have children, and now she wants to regain that, there is nothing I can say or do to her to sway her. I love her, but for this portion of her life, I will have to love her from afar.

I found out that a friend of mine had a baby. Congrats to him and his "girlfriend." Baby Tirianna is a lucky and beautiful baby girl.

I also found out that My girl Tyra is having an itty-bitty. No word yet on what the baby is, but I wish her the best of luck. Enjoy it grl...

I have once again been told that I have lost a friend...I am so tired of begging for friends. I live a lonely life, and I assume I will have to remain this way until the day I die. It's hard for me to trust people, but once they get that trust even once, I will trust them forever, so I try really hard to hold on to friends...But I need to stop. Doing that drains me so much more than it will even help me.

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Posted by ME at 9:15 AM

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Sunday, October 28, 2007

A question

When you get married and start a family of your own, with whom do your responsibilities lie, your new husband/wife and children, or your parents? Check back next sunday for my very detailed answer...

Oh yeah, and I really wanna know what you think, leave your answers in the comments.

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Posted by ME at 8:52 PM

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Saturday, October 27, 2007

Dreams

As I spend every minute of my free time talking to expecting and new mothers I can't help but feel a slight bit of jealousy when these mothers, some of them as young as or even younger than me, tell me that they are in no need of information on a University because they have already graduated from college. After all, had things just went a little bit different, I would have been done by now, but instead, I decided to get into a serious relationship, put school on hold, and have my child. Decisions which I would never give up. Recently I decided that i would re-enter into school and finish getting my degree. This decision is not only for me, but for my child, and even any unborn children that we may choose to have in the future. I believe that in order to give them the best life possible I have to make myself into the woman I want to be. Before my child I wanted to be a psychologist/psychiatrist, and I believe that in order I have to fulfill my own dreams so I do not become some lowly old housewife dreaming of days gone by and trying to keep up in a college room of 20 somethings at the ripe old age of 60 (no offense to over the hill college students, its just not for me).

I also believe that if, god forbid, something happen to my husband that would put him out of work for a whie, that i as the other head of house hold needs to be able to stand up and go to work, and by getting an education at least equal to that of my husband, I am insuring that I will be able to at least keep us ina lifestyle that we have grown accustomed to. It saddens me to hear that women have no further aspirations than, "being a housewife", or that they "have no idea how much he makes or what he does with the money". I would wish no ill will on these women, but when life doesn't work out the way its suppsed to, as it often does not, what will you do? Perhaps it is my stauts as a self proclaimed "strong black woman" but i do not believe that it is anyone's job to take care of me. I want to be assured that if my husband left me tomorrow or if he died in his sleep tonight, I know where the insurance papers are, I know who to call, and that when the time is right, that i will be able to get off my ass and get a job so my son and I don't have to go beg at the Salvation Army, or live off of government checks every month. I believe that as the women that is one promise that we must make to ourselves and our children...If daddy ever wants to act stupid, mommy will be able to take care of you.

I hope I can get in school as early as possible. I want to make my dreams come true.

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Posted by ME at 9:09 PM

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Monday, October 22, 2007

Dear you #4

I miss it like it used to be. I miss being able to talk to you when ever I wanted to. Now its so much different, after one conversation this has gotten so much harder than it should be. You tell me about random emails and letters that allude to undying love and satisfying sex, and they actually hurt me in my soul. We've been friends again for awhile now, and all of a sudden these true colors are showing. It makes me wanna cry and feel like now I have to say goodbye to what we once had. But I've known all along that in time things must change, so it shouldn't be so bad. So why do I feel so sad?

How can I adjust to the way that things are going when it's killing me slowly and I just want it to be how it used to be. You cannot hide the way you feel inside, I realize your actions speak much louder than words. But then tell me why we have to live like this.

**quotes Alicia Keys-Why do I feel so sad**

If you want anymore, listen to our song...you know, the one by Beyonce.

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Posted by ME at 9:48 PM

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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Another friendship...?

Why do I adjust who I am and what I want for the needs of others? Why do I ignore my own happiness for the sake of others? Why do I put my family on the line to help people feel better of about the dissolvement of theirs?

Over the past few months I have been talking to a friend, whose marriage, unlike mine, has begun to dissolve. I felt really bad for him at first and figured that I would talk to him, after years of not talking, because at a hard time in someone's life, they always need someone to talk to. After a while I started remembering why we became such good friends back in the day. I realized that i actually liked talking to him, and my long days were no longer filled with so much loneliness because we would stay on the phone for hours. After awhile we began talking about very personal things, life, love, and happiness, and how we felt that both of our lives were lacking at least one of those. Our friendship was cemented upon that fact and the love that we had for eachother. After awhile I suppose our friendship was getting too strong. It scared me and delighted me all at the same time. While I know it was wrong of me to strike up a close friendship with a man who was not my husband, it just felt so damn good to have someone in my life that I knew loved me, WANTED to talk to me, and spend time on the phone with me, and tell me wonderful things about myself. I am also pretty sure that the support and company he gave me at the time was probably only setting to further the divide that I was finding between my husband and myself.

This friends of mine however is a very judgemental and sensitive person. and I felt myself pissing him off alot. I always seemed to be begging him to talk to me, to make me happy, and I gave up my dignity more than once in the past few months just to have someone to talk to me and make me feel like I was worth something. Last night somehow I did the same thing I always do. I made him mad and I still have no idea what the hell I did. He has refused to talk to me all day and I decided that this time would be different. I will not call him. I will not beg him back just so I can know that someone in my life actually cares how i feel. I will not call him. I will leave it up to him. If he wants me in his life then he will come back, and he will say so...

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Posted by ME at 1:07 PM

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Monday, October 8, 2007

I think I'm gonna fall...

What should someone do when the find that they no longer feel the want or the need to talk to the people in their lives that they once considered good friends? When I get lonely it is when I feel the need to be near the friends that I ONCE considered near and dear. The problem comes when, at the times when I am feeling that I need to be close to these people, I realize just how much these people really care about me...and coincidentally, I realize that I don't need them in my life after all. For some reason it seems as though I am always getting rid of people in my life for one reason or another. It truly sucks to never be able to have that one person that you can call anytime just because. Me and my brother got into a huge argument and I basically wrote him out of my life, all things considered, I no longer have a brother/cousin named Deandre. In my mind you do not threaten me, my husband, or my son, and still get to maintain the luxury of being able to call yourself related to me. My cousin monique told me that I should bury the hatchet, that he has started playing football agian, and that if he gets rich and famous wouldn't I want a piece of it....I thought about it, and I decided that no, I don't want anything. I hope, and wish, and pray that if his dream is to go to the NFL that it comes true for him. I think of him as I would a stranger, I wish no ill will on him, but, if he were to die tomorrow, I would not cry. I stopped talking to my best cousin because of her alliance to him, it was not on purpose or anything, I just got tired f calling and hearing the "Deandre and me" stories. It is mighty hard to not care about someone you hear about constantly.
Then Ber starts going through her whole divorce. When a good friend gets divorced, it doesnt only affect them, during the whole melee, you basically feel like you are getting a divorce also. You get the calls at random hours when shit starts sinking in, you cry with them (maybe they don't hear you, but you cry) and for them, you get angry, but it sucks, cause while the recent divorcee can call the ex and cuss them out, you just have to be a good friend, not do anything that may cause conflict, especially if it includes posting things on their myspace pages. their life changes as does the life you once knew...Calls early in the morning, knowing one's schedule like it was your own, Seeing it all change and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Your life changes just as much, as does your friendship. There is no denying it, friendships change and evolve, as does everything else, and like everything else, if you cant hang, or you dont like the way something is changing, you, and your friendship will be left behind. So you try your best to evlove, even when things are happening that you don't quite agree with, you try so hard to maintain that same relationship, but you can't, because that friendship is gone, and in its place is a new one. Still is the friendship between mothers, that will never change, but in addition it has become a friendship between a married woman and a single woman, a lesbian and a wife, someone who constantly doubts herself and a woman who is so sure of what shes doing it is scary at times. These are the times when the true question of who your friend is comes out in the open. You try so hard to maintain that childish bond, but it is so hard, achingly hard at times, and yet, still so easy at others. How does one hold on to a friend or a friendship that is changing so much at a time that she needs nothing more than just a little stability?
In the past 6 months I have gone through more crap, than I had in the entire year preceeding it. First and second, the things with Amber and Deandre. After that, many starts and stops on my own journey through depression, reconnecting, losing, and reconnecting again with a very old friend, The almost real threat of a death followed very closely by a real death of the only real man I ever knew, an unwanted pregnancy, losing that unwanted pregnancy and then HAVING to go through the worst procedure and one I would only subject my worst enemies to, and wanting to die so many times in those months, and then wanting to live just as hard. All I want is for the world to stop spinning, just for one minute, let me get my feet planted firmly on the ground before it starts back up, I don't think they ever were to begin with.

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Posted by ME at 8:47 AM

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Friday, October 5, 2007

I want to be nominated...

I have just realized that if I were a celebrity, I would be a Z-lister. I feel like if I didn't have P no one in my life would still be here, or even care about me. Maybe its a disorder, maybe its just my conceitedness coming out, but for some strange reason, I want to be some one's entire universe. I want to be that girl from the loves stories, and the romance movies that has the man in her life that would do anything to make her happy. I want to be the woman in the dramas whose friends would absolutely die if she was gone, and I wanna be that girl in the comedies who is always the life of the party, and even though shes a little weird, and imperfect they all still love her and laugh at her jokes. I DO NOT want to be the girl in the scary movies who gets killed. Sadly, or luckily in some cases, life isn't a movie stage, and at some time we all have to understand that we are not the stars, not even of our own shows. So, should I just be OK with being the costar in my marriage, in my family, in my friendships, or should I do something about it. Make myself #1? How? My husband could care less about me on any daily basis, he would rather play that game than even have sex with me. My BFF Amber no longer needs my companionship and love. She has Maegan, and we rarely even talk anymore. And, now, the one person who actually needed me. For whatever reasons there were, Christopher needed me in his life. Now however, he has a new girlfriend. He doesn't need me in his life anymore. I am soooo sad. I will try to get over it, and deal with it the best I can. Hell, if i have to be a supporting actress...I'm gettin an Emmy for it.

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Posted by ME at 10:30 PM

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Saturday, September 29, 2007

100 things about me.....

    I. I am 21 years old, married and have a child. Sometimes I wish I could just be 21.

    II. I believe I get my take no bullsh*t attitude because when I was younger the two times we moved out of our houses it was so my uncles could move in, and mommy never stood up for herself and it always made me so d*mn mad.

    III. My favorite color was baby blue for a long time and I never told anyone that it was because it was also Justin Timberlake’s favorite color. Now my favorite color is pink, I don’t know if that’s anyone famous’ favorite color.

    IV. My dad once got really mad at me because I posted ‘Mason “Ma$e” Betha is my baby’s daddy.’ I didn’t understand the significance then, kinda thought it just meant boyfriend…but I don’t understand why he got so mad…

    V. I am the only black girl I know that likes country music.

    VI. I can listen to a song that I like a million times and never get tired of it.

    VII. I love to sing, even though it’s not good. As long as the music is just a little bit louder than me, I swear I can sound just like the singer.

    VIII. Ever since I was very small I knew that I wanted to name my son after his father. I just got lucky that my husband feels the same way.

    IX. When I was little I wanted to be a pediatrician. When I told my daddy that, he seemed so sad that I didn’t want to be an artist, so I told him I would draw little pictures on the back of the bills That seemed to make him happy.

    X. I took my first psychiatry class at Mesa College when I was just 14 and I got an A. I had to lie and say I was 15.

    XI. My 1st school play I was an elf at my Christian Kindergarten, and my last one I was Ross in Macbeth at Roosevelt. My acting skills were at about the same level both times.

    XII. My 1st best friend was my cousin Monique, and to this day she is still my best friend and my son’s god mother.

    XIII. I am scared of the dark, but I love the night time.

    XIV. I hate coconut.

    XV. I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed at the age of 18.

    XVI. I currently have 2 tattoos and 2 piercings. I would definitely like more tattoos, and to get my tongue re-pierced and possibly something else pierced. ;)

    XVII. One thing I never tell anyone is that my mom is a lesbian. It used to make me uncomfortable, but now I could care less. My mom also doesn’t know that I have been with a woman.

    XVIII. My pets, in order of appearance, were; Max, a beta fish; Steven, a golden retriever; Revo, a German shepherd; A few chicks (no namez); Lucky, a hamster; Essence, a guinea pig; Cappuccino, a hamster; Lily, a cat; Jay and Nino, ferrets; Missy, a cat; and Skunk and Tigger, more ferrets.

    XIX. I am not necessarily scared of mice and rats; I just don’t like their tails. Butterflies and birds on the other hand are a different story.

    XX. I started getting migraines when I was a very young child. Back then I swore it was due to a brain tumor.

    XXI. I met my husband on the Internet merely by accident. When we first met him, I didn’t like him at all…Now I LOVE him. He started staying at my apartment in the first week that I knew him, and after that I stopped dating everyone else….This is my romantic love story.

    XXII. I have dated two guys that have subsequently turned gay. I would feel bad, but they were both effeminate before.

    XXIII. I don’t really know what size shoe I wear. I buy 7 in men’s, 8 ½ in women’s sports shoes, but a 9-9 ½ in dress shoes.

    XXIV. I love comedy movies, but Husband likes scary and action. It has been about 2 years since I have seen a comedy movie.

    XXV. I once went fishing and my line got stuck on a rock under the dock, and I thought I had caught a sea lion.

    XXVI. In my college dorm, people started calling me chicken, because they said my legs were shaped like chicken legs…thick at the top, and thin at the bottom. I guess they were right.

    XXVII. Both of my parents have tattoos, and they both got them after I got my first one.

    XXVIII. When I was very young I had a book that was a Christmas book with Santa Claus and everything. It had my name in it.

    XXIX. When I was little I didn’t like taking baths. I once ran outside completely naked and stepped on a spider…That was very gross, and I remember it vividly to this day.

    XXX. When sitting on the dock at Seaport Village in San Diego, I fell more relaxed than anywhere in the world.

    XXXI. My senior year in high school, I was there often.

    XXXII. I was born on September 29th 1985 at 3:31 pm. My mom had been in labor since 6:00 am. Her labor was about 1/3 the length of mine.

    XXXIII. I found out I was pregnant with my son on Super Bowl Sunday. Prior to that I thought I was dying. If my son grows up to be a pro football player, that would be a fun story. Only the first part though.

    XXXIV. I enjoy astrology. My sun sign is Libra, my moon sign is Aries, and my Chinese sign is Ox.

    XXXV. Right after my son was born I felt myself getting dumber so I started doing puzzles and online riddles. I completed all of the riddles of riddles and weffriddles.

    XXXVI. Organized religion angers me. I hereby consider myself to be more spiritual than religious.

    XXXVII. I enjoy watching people dance. I can’t dance, but it is such a turn on when a man or a woman knows how. Coincidentally, my husband can’t dance.

    XXXVIII. I enjoy reading celebrity gossip, and I visit mediatakeout.com, perezhilton.com and ybf.blogspot.com every day. I hate having to hear about celebrity gossip on the news.

    XXXIX. I started reading when I was two, and my aunt tells me that at the age of three she would come over and I would be sitting on the sofa reading the newspaper.

    XL. When I was younger, I was tested and found to have a very high IQ, it was 132. I don’t know what it is now…I’m actually scared to get tested.

    XLI. I’ve always wanted a big wedding, tons of family, in a big white with flowers and bubbles. My husband and I got married in the court house. We plan to have a proper weeding one day…Wish us luck.

    XLII. I try really hard to be a perfect mommy, but everyday I have to realize myself that no one is perfect, and as long as my baby is happy then I’m doing pretty damn good.

    XLIII. I am an only child. I love being an only child and I wouldn’t change it for the world. My husband is an only child also. We DEFINITELY do not want our son to be an only child.

    XLIV. I cry a lot during movies. Any sad movie will almost make me cry. When I was living in the dorm we watched Hard Ball, at the end when G-Baby died, I cried for hours like my best friend died.

    XLV. I don’t drive, but I do have really bad road rage already. I curse and make arm movements, and yell…it’s really bad.

    XLVI. I seriously believe that one day I will be rich. I will either win the lottery or become famous. Either way, all the money is already spent.

    XLVII. When I drink, I prefer it to be sweet alcohol. I don’t like to taste the alcohol. I like Malibu, baileys, and Kahlua. The first drink I ever had was Bacardi, and the first bottle my mom ever bought me was cask and creme…I was still in high school.


    XLVIII. If I could live my entire life with my husband, and die in his arms, I will die a happy woman. He is the only man I ever loved, and the first who I truly believed loved me.

    XLIX. I admire the people in my life that can show their vulnerability. I see vulnerability as a weakness and I learned long ago not to let the world see your weaknesses. I wish I was strong enough to be weak.

    L. I went to an all white elementary school and I began to “talk white” and “act white” . My family began calling me the white girl. Now I seriously believe I have race issues, and to this day I hate being called white.

    LI. I am scared of old people. Not just the regular old people, but the ones that look really old and really scary. I'm also scared of homeless people.

    LII. I hate it when people recommend movies based on the critics ratings. I am not an old white man and I do not like them picking my movies.


    LIII. When I was younger I wanted braces, a retainer and glasses. I wanted something to set me apart from everyone else. And I thought they made you look cute.


    LIV. When I get into an argument I am usually the 1st to apologize. I hate wasting my life away being mad. this is however dependent on the fact of whether or not I was actually wronged.


    LV. My dream of becoming a pediatrician or a psychiatrist died when i realized that i would have to go to school for a long time.


    LVI. Growing up in a place like San Diego, where it hardly ever rains, makes me love the rain and thunder storms, although I only like the thunder when my husband is with me.


    LVII. My husband and I were supposed to get married on Nov. 10, 2006, but there was a problem at the courthouse, so we had to push it back to the Nov. 17, 2006. For 6 months I would tell anyone who asked that we had been married on the 10th. this pissed my hubby off.


    LVIII. When I was pregnant I craved beef. I hereby state that I believe that my son is going to be a giant due to all of the growth hormones pumped into the meat. Think I'm crazy...It's OK, wait 5 years and I'll have my 6 foot tall 250 lb kindergartner beat you up.


    LIX. I once had a really bad dream about something horrible happening to my mom, and when I woke up crying I begged god to not make me have any more dreams like that. All through elementary, junior high, and high school I did not have/did not remember my dreams. This is one thing that cements my belief in GOD.


    LX. Coincidentally, my uncle was also in that horrible dream, and to this day, I don't like him and feel very uncomfortable around him. I know it was just a dream, but I can't just shake the image. NO, I WILL NOT TELL YOU THE DREAM.


    LXI. When I was little I used to love working with my hands and tools. I would get all my moms tools together and take my skateboard apart and put it back together. One day the ice cream man came while I was putting it back together, and I went to get ice cream and when I got back I forgot where I was. I threw it away after that.


    LXII. I have broken hearts and had my heart broken. The latter hurts worse, but it makes you realize just how bad you hurt someone else.


    LXIII. The main reason why I want my own house is so that I can decorate it like they do on DIY.


    LXIV. I hate humidity. I love A/C. I would always rather be cold than hot. Right now it is 85 degrees outside, but I am cuddled in my blankie.


    LXV. I vote in almost every election, and am registered as a democrat. I do however hate it when people say to vote "only democrat" or to vote on the "black ballot". I will vote for whomever I feel would have my best interest in mind. I did lose alot of confidence in this whole voting thing however after BUSH got into office. Electoral college my ass!!!


    LXVI. When I was a baby I almost choked on a lifesaver. my uncle who is a cop was there and he got it out. To this day I'm not too fond of lifesavers.


    LXVII. I love to read. If someone leaves me alone with a good book I can read it in one day.


    LXVIII. My favorite children's book is Love you forever, my least favorite is the giving tree. Sadly, my son has neither.

    LXIX. My son was born 4 weeks to the day before my birthday, his cousin was born 6 weeks after him, his god sister, 2 days after him, his other cousin 5 days after him, and he and his grandma share a birthday. Hopefully my daughter will have her own birthday.


      LXX. I found both of my tattoos on the internet and fell in love with them. The first, and ankh was from a gothic website, and my second, a sankofa is the same tattoo Janet Jackson has on her wrist (mine is better). Sankofa basically means "know your past so that when you do repeat it you will know how to react to it." It just sounds so much more poetic in african.

      LXXI. I have decided that my new alter ego is a woman whose parents are African royalty, but she was sent to the US during a major war. Her parents will come back to get her one day. I even know her parents names....Wouldn't that be crazy if it were true.

      LXXII. i once told my mom that if I found out one day that she wasn't my real mom, and my true parents came back for me that I wouldn't go. I told her though that it wasn't because I loved her, but because I had already trained her. I wonder if she remembers that.

      LXXIII. I would love to open up a group home for children when I get old and crockety. I want there to be a place where they can always call home, and I want to be able to give them that.

      LXXIV. For my entire high school career I worked at a thrift store by the YWCA. I bought everything that I wore those entire 4 years from there. I never told anyone because I was ashamed. Now I realize that i was wearing the same things my friends were, just newer and cuter and cheaper. I will however never make my child wear anything from a thrift store to school. If he wants to that's a whole different story.

      LXXV. I am so lonely that I pick up random habits. Some of those in the past year were puzzles, riddles, sudoku, haruto, crosswords, crocheting, knitting, scrap booking, tatting, reading, and baking. All of which i was just OK at.

      LXXVI. I was never one of those peanut butter loving kids. When I was in elementary school and had slept in and my mom didn't have time to take me to school she would take me to work with her and make me hide under her desk and give me jelly and crackers. I had so much fun under there.

      LXXVII. I try very hard to be organized, but I think it goes against my DNA.

      LXXVIII. I smoked weed everyday for half of my junior high and my entire high school careers. I have maybe only spent 15 bucks on it.

      LXXIV. I am and have always been very spoiled. I have a short attention span (It has taken me days to complete this list), and very low patience. I feel sorry for my husband.

      LXXV. Throughout high school I lived with my dad. I normally tell people it is because my mom kicked me out. This is not the whole truth. NO I WILL NOT TELL YOU THE WHOLE TRUTH.

      LXXVI. I have a serious problem throwing things away, especially batteries. I always feel like just because the battery doesn't work in that device it could still have a little bit of power left in it to work something else. I think I have upwards of 20 loose batteries all over this place.

      LXXVII. I am 5'4, my husband is 6'5, I hope my son gets my husband's height.

      LXXVIII. When it comes to relationships I am kinda jealous. I will not however fight for a man. That's not my style.
      LXXIX. When I was younger i would make all of my cousins sit down so we could play school. I was the teacher and I wouldn't let them get up until they finished their class work. To this day I still think about being a teacher.
      LXXX. I love jewelry, but I wear it very infrequently. I love my wrists and therefore love to wear bracelets. Of all of my jewelry I have the least amount of bracelets.
      LXXXI. My best friend and I had to promise to make each other to write in our blogs daily. We still forget sometimes.
      LXXXII. I used to think riding the trolley was the funnest thing to do in the world. This was before I actually had to use it as transportation. Now I hate it.
      LXXXIII. I am very interested in why people do what they do. This is why I love psychology. I do not particularly like listening to people talk though. This is why I don't like psychology.
      LXXXIV. When bored I like people to ask me questions about myself and my life. I guess this is reflected in the fact that my favorite subject is myself. I am however, not conceited.
      LXXXV. I don't have my driver's license and I'm really in no rush to get it.
      LXXXVI. I do not like chocolate chip cookies, and I;m not a big fan of donuts or cake....unless I'm pregnant.
      LXXXVII. I love taking baths. I have taken one bath since I was in high school and that was when I was pregnant. there is nothing funnier than trying to get out of a regular sized tub with a super sized belly.
      LXXXVIII. My entire pregnancy I only gained 6 lbs. I lost so much weight in the beginning of my pregnancy due to morning sickness. My son weighed 7 lbs, so I went home weighing less than I did when I started my pregnancy. Being pregnant was the best diet ever.
      LXXXIX. I'll try anything once.
      XC. I often have random numbers come into my mind. I always think that if I played the lotto with them then I would win, but they never come up, so I have yet to play them.
      XCI. I have been doing my own taxes since I started doing taxes. I refuse to pay for something I can do myself.
      XCII. Most likely if I'm home, I'm naked. It started when I was pregnant, and I loved it so much that I couldn't give it up.
      XCIII. My mom wanted a son so bad that for the first 6 months of my life I only wore blue.
      XCIV. There is nothing in this world better than a sincere kiss, a cold bowl of ice cream, and a good massage.
      XCV. When I started college I took a class that made me hate white people. Now I am OK, I just hate cruelty and ignorance.
      XCVI. I prefer multiple choice tests to essay tests. I think that's the only reason I got a good score on both my SAT's and my ACT's. I will not tell my test scores, but I got into every college I applied to.
      XCVII. I have tried photography, and while I enjoyed it, I didn't get anything worth showing. If I were rich I would have gone out and bought a million dollar camera...Since I'm not, I just gave up.
      XCVIII. I am not in style. Never have been never will be. I believe style is whatever you feel looks good on you...Nice clean clothes will always be in style...Sparkly shirts and strappy high heels will not.
      XCIX. I wanted very badly to go to a Christian private all girls high school. I would probably be a completely different person had I.
      C. This list was sooooooooo much harder than I thought it would be.

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    Posted by ME at 2:06 PM

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    Tuesday, September 25, 2007

    Some things should be kept to yourself

    WTF.....I was texting my ex last night and he told me that he still loved me. WTF is wrong with him. I have written about him before, and I believe the last time I wrote about him it was the same thing. Read that entry. You will get the whole story. My only question is, what is the point in telling a married woman that you love her, even if she does love you back (which I do not) there is nothing she can do about it.
    I also recently found out that he is moving to Atlanta. He is the only man that I had a true long distance relationship with, and the reason why we broke up was because he couldn't get his ass to Atlanta. I was young and impatient and I wanted my man with me. Enter Husband. It was over between Dominic and me. I gave up on him completely. Now wwhat is he doing, trying to weasel his way into my life again. I highly hope not.

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    Posted by ME at 8:58 PM

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    Friday, September 21, 2007

    a fun survey to break things up

    1. Who were you with yesterday? P


    2. What woke you up this morning? Husband looking for his keys


    3. Where are you? at home


    4. Is tomorrow going to be a good day? i would like to think so, every day I wake up is a good day


    5. Did you kiss or hug anyone today? my son...sadly...


    6. When was the last time you cried? a few nights ago...loneliness is a bitch


    7. Ever thrown up in public? yep, when i was preggo I threw up in public all the time


    8. Passed out because of alcohol? no, that's just dangerous...


    9. Would you take a bullet for anyone? yep


    10. Where would you like to live? No idea


    11. Made out with anyone on your top friends? yep


    13. What do you want to be when you grow up? I don't know anymore, i used to want to be something that made me rich and famous, but recently I have learned that there are better things in life...


    14. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?wow...27, maybe 1 or 2 more kids, happy, in a career, whatever i choose to do, and in my own house


    15. Who is your number one? my husband


    16. Have you kissed your number one on your top friends? yep,. he is my husband


    17. Who was the last person that left you a comment? Amberger


    19. Do you like candy necklaces? yep


    20. When was the last time you fell over or ran into something? everyday...I ran into the wall a few days ago...screw you...I was sleepy


    21. Do you listen to music every day? yep


    22. What was the last thing you ate? hot dogs


    23. Are you a fast typer? I can be


    24. About how many people have you liked? tons


    25. How many have you loved? i had never experienced a real love without the other party wanting something in return until I met husband...I assume that's real love and what else I was feeling was something else...


    26. What are you doing this weekend? I have no idea


    27. What's Your favorite type of soda? orange...thanks a lot husband


    28. Have you ever won an award? yep


    29. What do you want to do right now? go back home and get a carne asada burrito


    30. Are you listening to music right now? nope, but i will be in a second


    31. When were you the saddest in your whole life? I have no idea, the most recent was when my grandpa died


    32. What time is it? 11:17 pm


    33. Do you use Ebay to buy or sell? sell


    34. What makes you mad? idiots


    35. Have you ever had a song written about you? ummm, i dated a few musicians, so probably


    36. What song makes you cry? i don't know...



    37. What song makes you happy? anything happy



    38. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed? cartoons or the cooking shows on the food network

    39. Do you have a job? yeah, I work at home

    40. What makes you happy? making my son happy

    41. What's the next CD you're going to get? I don't buy Cd's...I thief 'em (lol)

    [Height:] 5'4

    [Hair:] cherry-cola

    [Eye Color:] brown

    [Wearing right now:] wife beater and a pair of pink sweats

    [What taste is in your mouth?] some fruit punch

    A word to describe 2007?: exciting...

    Summer 2007: short

    Honestly, do you miss 2006?it was a wonderful year...

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    Posted by ME at 10:26 AM

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    Thursday, September 20, 2007

    I'd pay $50 to learn how to do this.

    Lately I have been on some kind of a cleaning kick. I have been wanting everything to be spotless and I have even been wiping everything down with bleach. Today I tackled the one place in the house that I was really scared of even touching...I cleaned my kitchen, and in relation to that I cleaned my refrigerator. I took some before and after pics and there is a vast difference. I also learned today that I am not a real mom. Before cleaning my fridge out, I thought that we had enough stuff in there. I would open the door and look inside, take out a container, smell it, and put it back. I'll eat it later I think. Today I just threw it all away. I had already known that I was not a June Cleaver style mom, or even a woman, but damnit, I always thought that I wasn't like a crack head style mom. Today though reality smacked me in the face with a biiiiiiiiig bottle if bleach. After I cleaned my fridge it was entirely empty...I have tons of condiments including three opened bottles of the black people's staple...hot sauce, and a jar of sugar free apricot preservatives that my Step-Grandmother bought me back in 2004. But food wise....I have nothing. There is meat in my freezer, but in the fridge there are 2 eggs, and 1/2 a gallon of water. That's it. I need to take mommy classes...Anyone giving them, Count me in. But do not expect me to have it at my house...I have no hoers d' oeuvres.

    BEFORE :


    AFTER:



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    Posted by ME at 10:19 PM

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