Saturday, June 16, 2007

I don't know how to put it into words...

For those of you that know me, you know that I have always had a problem with men, and with flirting. I learned a long time ago that the best way for me to connect with a man was for me to use my sexuality to relate to them...for those of you that don't this. Now that I am married to the best man in the world, I do know that I love him and that I would never do anything to hurt him, but I also know that I relate to men better, maybe because I automatically know that we have that common ground of "sexuality."I realized something about myself, and something about my life. Like the title says, I don't know how to put it into words...but I'll try.

Let me explain to you what happened. For the past year or so I have had a friend, we'll call him Neal. Well, I don't remember exactly where I met Neal, but it was somewhere on the Internet. We began talking, and as stated above, I only knew to flirt with him, so that's what I did. We became something like friends. I say something like friends only because I knew that our friendship was always contingent on the fact that he believed that we could actually have something. This didn't bother me because I knew that I loved my husband. You see, at this time I was carrying our son and I knew that I wanted nothing more than to be with him for the rest of my life. So, I just kept it going. I led Neal to believe that we could actually have something. I let him think that we could one day actually be something more than Internet buddies...again, only because I knew that if I did that I would still have someone to talk to during the day. There was no problem with it..It was like a cycle. I would tell Neal that maybe we'd meet tomorrow, go lie in bed next to my husband, wake up and tell Neal some other excuse as to why I couldn't meet him that day, but again promise him that we would hook up tomorrow. I understood that the proverbial "tomorrow" would never come, but Neal didn't, and because he believed that he could actually get something from me, he continued to make the effort to talk to me.

The problem came when my husband stumbled upon a chat log between Neal and myself. He saw it not as idle promises, but as actual plans for us to meet up. I will never forget the way I felt when he walked into the room and very plainly and calmly told me that when he got home the next morning, he wanted me out. My heart fell. "What happened?" "Whats going on?" "What did you see?" "GO TO THE COMPUTER, READ WHAT IS ON THE SCREEN, AND THEN GET YOUR SHIT AND GET OUT." I went over, Neal asking what happened to me, me telling him that I'm sorry, that my husband was home all night, him asking me if we could hook up tonight, me telling him that I was home with my husband all night, him telling me to sneak out, me telling him that I would think about it. From my point of view, it was nothing. I mean I had never met him, I had never planned on meeting him, I never wanted to meet him. But to my husband, it was real plans. It was infidelity in its rawest form, it was his wife, the woman that he loved and trusted making plans for a real life rendezvous with an unknown man. I hurt him. That hurt him. I love him, but unknowingly I hurt him. I promised to him that night that I would never talk to another man like that, and that I would get rid of any "friends" that I had that I talked to like that.

Immediately my yahoo buddy list went from 45 to 30 to 20 to 10 to 4. A measly 4. My husband, my mom, my Bff, and my cousin. That's it. OMG!! WTF!!! I realized then and there that I have no one. I was surrounding myself with fake friends. And now that I have none, I realize that I never had any. Does that make sense??? I just want friends.

I wake up everyday laying next to my son, I go to sleep every night laying next to my son, and it is the same everyday. I wish I had someone else to talk to. The best way for me to put it is that I feel like I am living on an island. Of course I love the fact that there is no drama or anything like that, and I love spending everyday with my son and the man of my dreams, but right now, I wish that a huge cruise ship would just come and dock in my port because I need more human interaction. I love being a stay at home mom, but basically, I am bored.

I think I hurt my Bff last night in trying to explain to her the way I feel. I'm sorry. I'm not sorry for what i said, because that was how I felt. I just needed to talk. I didn't want to compare our lives or our pain, because we both know that in terms of just plain loneliness and severity, you win, my pain is no where near equal to yours, but it is my pain, and the last thing I want or need is to feel invalidated because I'm just that much less lonely than you are. But, I am sorry for the way I said it. I love you. I know that you are only trying to help me, by trying to relate your experiences to mine, but there is no similarity involved. You were unhappy in your marriage, you wanted more experiences, you wanted to have more love from the little boy you called a husband, and when he didn't give you that you wished you had other things in your life to fill that void. I don't feel that there is a void. The husband, as you know, is a wonderful husband, father, and man in general. I am happy for him, and I would give anything to make him happy...but the thing is, I am also giving my happiness. You have what I don't. You actually have friends. Becky, Mexican with horrible accent, Englishman with wonderful accent, your monkey board people. I don't have that. I sit all day and I wait until either you wake up or James can talk, because you are all I have. This is why it bothers me so much when you fill your days with those people, or when you constantly tell me about them, I feel like every time you tell me about your happiness and your friends, and what not, you are only bringing back to mind my own loneliness. I know, or at least I hope I know, that if given the choice you would pick me. I also know that if given the chance to make your life back to what it was you would sacrifice me. It doesn't bother me. But that's how I feel right now. In order to keep my marriage happy, I got rid of everyone. And now I have no one, but I have my husband. I LOVE YOU BER...AND I AM SORRY...FORGIVE ME FOR BEING A BITCH!!!!

I guess everyone is thinking, go out and make friends. It's not hard. And to those that think that, you are right, its not hard. I am outgoing, fun, happy, and funny. I don't always know how to explain myself to other people, because I sometimes believe that my mind works different than other peoples. But all in all I am easy to get along with. So when you all ask, then why are you so lonely...I don't know what answer to give, because i ask myself that same question everyday. Why don't I have friends. I have decided that today I will search the net for friends. I will join groups, and I will talk to people. Starting next week I will go out, I will find real world friends, and no matter what I will not talk to ANY men. Please help me. If you have any hints, tell me what you think I should do. Ttyl.

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Posted by ME at 11:11 PM