*~*MrS. yOuNgE*~*Well, today I spoke with my mom, she wants to find a way for us to go up to West virginia for the funeral. I want to go, but golly, I know that once I go out there I wll be able to do nothing but cry. It just hurts so much. Last night Linda took P for me so i could get some rest, and it worked, but I just knew the whole time that the only thing I wanted to do was hold my son. It's amazing how becoming a mom hs made nothing else in my life have the power like he does to make me happy, or even smile. We didn't go anywhere today, but I tried to work a litle bit. I didn't do well, but whatever. I JUST MISS HIM SO MUCH...LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
This morning at about 9 am I got a call from my little brother saying that my grandfather passed away early this morning. I didnt want to believe it, I didnt want it to be true. I tried to remain calm, and not worry too much about it, but after anout an hour i got a call from my mom crying. I didnt even need to hear her say it, once I saw her name on my caller id I could just feel it in my stomach. When I heard her crying I couldnt stop myself. It hurts so much. I dont even know how to feel. I have only had one other peron die in my life, and it didnt hurt nearly as much. I cant even cry anymore. I cant let it hurt me. I just keep trying to think, that maybe he knew, that maybe its a good thing, but my own selfshness wont let me fully believe that. They said that he passed away in his sleep, that they went in to go get him this morning, and that was when they found him. Just typing that makes me hurt, i dont want to type that they found him dead, or that they found his body. That just seems so cruel to me. my grandfather was more than just a body, he was more than just alive. He was my grandfather. he was the man who raised me when my mom and my dad couldnt. I know he wasnt perfect, but luckily I have always been a little bit naive. I never quite know whats going on completely, and its no different with my grandfather. I prefer to only think of the good things that I could say about him.
I kinda knew it was coming, and I kinda knew that it was going to be soon, but I didnt know how much it would hurrt when it happened. I just want to sleep. My grandfather was never a hug and kiss type of guy, but we all knew that he loved us anyway. The last time I saw him I promised him that me and the baby would come to WV to see him, I dont want to go. I dont want to see him like that. I just want him to be alive again. I want him to be back. Its not supposed to hurt this much. Hes not supposed to be gone. I keep waiting for the call, the same one i got when they said my brother died. I keep waiting to get that call, but I dont think its coming. People keep getting to my moms house. They are all congregating like they do when someone died. For every person that gets there its like another teeny tiny little sword that gets stabbed into my heart. I dont know how to feel. I want to be happy. I dont know if I believe in God or heaven, but I know that wherever he is, hes ok.
I keep trying to force it to make sense in my head. I mean, my grandfather grew up in West Virginia, thats where his family was, and in the past few months, thats the only place he wanted to be. I just keep trying to think that maybe thats where he wanted to be. That maybe he knew, and he wanted to be where his mother and father, where his brothers and sisters, where everyone else he knew passed away. I know that in the past 30 years he has been alone for the most part. The only person that was there for him earlier on was Avis, whatever reason she left, I like to think that God, or whoever brought her back into his life because thats what he wanted. Thats who he wanted to be with. Even though we dont quite understand why he cared about her, or what made him open up his heart or his home, he did. And I prefer to think that he wanted her to be with him when he passed. I know that he died in his sleep, and thats how we would all want to go. i know that hes not in pain anymore. No more dialysis, no more insulin, no more medication, no more confusion, hes gone. But hopefully hes happy. Hopefully he sees that we all love him, and hopefully he knows that we all miss him. Hopefully He's with my Grandma, and he can be happy. I love you Grandpa, and I miss you already.
Today I was talking to a friend of mine (read: ex boyfriend turned mortal enemy turned pretty cool friend, but we'll just call him Charles) and recently he and his wife decided to separate. It happened maybe 2 weeks ago, and he seemed upset that his chick was already seeing another guy in her new city. He also seems to be under the impression that she is not only seeing this guy, but that shes also sleeping with him. I could see that just the thought of his wife sleeping with another man was upsetting to him, and so I tried to convince him that maybe she wasn't sleeping with this new guy, but he seemed pretty adamant saying that she is a whore. His exact words were;
"She was a whore before I married her, and now she's a whore after we separated. Hey, look at it this way, I was able to turn a whore into a housewife."
Now, I have never been too fond of his wife, considering, when I was in love with him, so was she, and when he wasn't with me, he was with her. For simplicity's sake, we will call her Michelle. In high school, I probably would have been the first to call Michelle a whore. She slept with multiple guys in a group, for a while there, she even began sleeping with girls, we al surmised it was only because she had run out of guys to sleep with.
Now however, when I hear the reasons for why he believes her to be a whore, I notice that we have alot more in common than I previously knew. We both enjoy sex so much that we had it with many guys.
While thinking about it, he asked me why he was attracted t the whores. The only answer I could come up with was that it was because women such as myself and Michelle were more experienced, we were more sexual in nature, and flirtatious, and that he was attracted to that side of us...not necessarily the side tha would later hurt him and break his heart.
I have long ago made myself believe tht that was what guys see in me, and I hope he bought it also. It sucks to see a friend in pain. TTYL
Today I heard that my little brother was shot. My little sister called me and told me. Neither of them are my real siblings, but my mom took them in and we were all raised as siblings. They are half-siblings, and they are my cousins. They came to live with me when their mom, my aunt went to prison. I know...its confusing, but sadly the way many families are made now-a-days.
Anyway, I heard that he got shot tonight when my sister called me in hysterics, and she said the words, "he might not make it." While it scared me a bit to know that someone that close to me had died, I am scared and ashamed to admit that there was a small part of me that felt nothing. I'm sure it wasnt joy, but it also wasnt sadness. I have only had one other person that I knew die, that was my uncle, and it hurt me. It hurt me to the core. I lovedmy uncle, I adored him. I love my brother, but the last time I saw or spoke to him, we got into a huge fight, not an argument, but something that almost became physical, to thepoint where my husband had to jump in between us to stop us from coming to blows. And the last time I heard anything from him, it was that he took the picture of my son, that I had sent him as a peace offering, and tried to rip it in half, and he said that my husband better be happy he didn't shoot him for getting in his business that night, and if it ever happens again that he will shoot him. This was the last day of a 2 week long stay.
We had never had a great relationship, but it was never that bad. Since then I heard from a few people that he wanted to apoligize but that he wanted me to call him. I refused because I feel that while it may have been bad to fight with him, I can not just forget what he said about my husband. I have refused to call him but I told the people to tell him that he could call me, he hasn't.
Maybe that why I didn't feel overly sad, or hurt when I got tha news. The thing that puzzles me is knowing th when this happens to other people they always say, "i wish I could have said bye", or "the last thing i said to him was that i hated him" while drowning in tears, why did I not feel like this? Why was I not sad, or crying, or regretful? I don't know, but about 20 minutes after I got the initial call, I got another call saying that he was ok...so I guess I'll never know.
Tonight I watched storm of the century with the hubby...and this time I actually finished it. he he he. its pretty good. Ona better note, my boy started crawling like the normal people instead of just doing his army belly crawl. Read yesterday's entry on it. I love u all but I'm sleepy, considering I'm typing from bed next o my hubby while I nurse the boy. Good night. ttyl
Well, today was rather uneventful...Another weekend day of spending time with james and his family. I'm making my first attempt at a video blog tomorrow so I hope u all wish me luck. I've had some things on my mind recently that I need to discuss but I don't want to type it all out. Well, its late and my husband and sonare fast asleep...time to join them. TTYL
Today was another uneventful day. Me and the baby spent the day together doing nothing at all. I didn't clean up, I didn't work...Hell, I didn't even cook dinner. One thing that has been pretty cool is that I have reconnected with one of my exes. its pretty cool because i thought for a long time that he hated me. Recently his wife and he decided that they were going to get a divorce, and maybe that's why he has reached out to me. I completely know the feeling, after spending every day of your life with a certain person and thinking of them day and night, like I have with James, it is impossible to imagine life without them In the process of trying to make your marriage work you often alienate your other friends and people in your life, hereby not making new friends. This is the second divorce in the lives of my friends in the past year.
I just hope that my own marriage doesn't suffer from the same fate. I used to believe that getting married would mean that the world will be perfect. It seemed so great, you spend every day and night with your best friend, and in some instances it is pretty perfect. But it, like both me and my husband, has its flaws, and I hope my marriage never succumbs to those flaws. I love you boo, no matter what.
Well, as many of you know, I have been feeling what I believe is depression. In my reluctance to be given some drug to make me feel normal, or happy pill I decided not to go see a dr, but instead to just try and immerse myself in famliy events and friendly circumstances. I am by no means taking a tom cruise style stand in this situation, and I do believe that in some severe cases drugs are absolutely and that if one does truly need the help, that they should definitely get in contact with a mental health professional, I just do not feel that my feelings are in need of this severity. Well, anyway... I do feel alot better now that I was able to identify and get in touch with my feelings. I can't blame it on my period because I did not have it...but I do believe it was a hormonal thing. I just hope this feling lasts.