Tuesday, September 4, 2007
update
Well, Well, Well.....What's new this week...
~My baby boy is 1
~ I'm not going to be having a baby
~Probably not for a long time
Let me take a second to explain...
My son turned 1 on September 1, 2007. I was happy but damn, this means my boy is really growing up, and there's no way to stop it. I love him so much its ridiculous, and for his 1st b-day I decided to engage in a long standing tradition and buy him a gold bracelet for his b-day. He's actually doing alot better with it then I thought he would, I guess thats one sign of being a big boy huh?
I found out one day last week that my baby was no longer viable. The doctor's said that it had stopped forming at about 4-6 weeks. I think I'm ok with this, but now I have to go and have a procedure to remove the fetus since my body doesnt seem to want to expel the baby on its own, I guess its kinda strange, I don't want to let go of the thought that I could be a mommy again, and my body is holding on just as tight. It hurts to know this, but i guess I will be ok. I mean everything happens for a reason right?
This whole baby thing has led me to rethink my child plans. I really want to be able to go back to school and do that whole thing, and I was trying to think about how I could do it all and be a good mommy. I think I'm gonna get some type of a long term bc. Kinda like mirena or something like that. I love my boy, but I cant put mybody through this again, especially if I am not ready.
Other than that, I suppose life is ok. I have been really sad lately, and I guess its because f this whole baby thing and the hormones going crazy because it isnt a regular pregnancy, but I hate feeling like this, they also say that after the whole procedure this feeling may just get worse. I don't know if I can handle this. Well, I guess I'm gonna go get in the bed now. I feel crappy. I'll ttyl.
Labels: Family, Grandpa, Husband, Mommy-hood, P
Posted by ME at 9:18 PM
c0mments!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Happy Birthday
Today would be my grandpa's 72nd birthday. He has been gone a little over a month, and so far life hasnt gotten any better. People keep telling me that it will get better as time goes on, but I haven't felt it getting any better yet. Every so often I feel like its getting a little bit better because i can smile and think about something else, but whenever that happens I just start thinking how happy I am that its finally feeling better, and then I realize that its not feeling any better. Thats when my day sucks.
On the other hand, I have 2 more days till my own little boy turns 1. It kinda sucks that the two days are so close to eachother, but this means my son is a VIRGO, and my grandpa was a virgo. And if I've said it once, I've said it "a million times, " my grandpa was the greatest man I ever knew. Maybe it will rub off on my boy...
ON A COMPLETELY OTHER NOTE,
Today I spoke to my dad for a whopping 5 seconds, and he told me basically that if I dont go back to school in the next semester than he will not give me anymore money. Now, I guess I am supposed to be a grown up, and I suppose I am married and daddy shouldn't still be paying for me...but hey, its my life, and it works.......so screw you!!!!! My ideas behind that were.....YES, the way to make me go back to school is to stress me out about money......!!! WONDERFUL DAD!!! I'll go back to school when I get ready and when it feels right for me. I wish you could respect that, but if not...then...
Posted by ME at 8:19 PM
c0mments!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Funeral
Today was the funeral. It was actually quite beautiful and I'm sure my grandfather would have been proud. He had a lot of people that he loved and even more that loved him. I had never been to a funeral before and I didn't realize just how much I would cry, or how much the other people around me would cry. It really was quite touching. Over this week I learned a lot about my Grandpa and who he was. I had always known that he was a proud Marine and just how much he loved his country, but I did't know just what a Jar-head my grandpa really was. They had all of his medals displayed, including his bronze star medal which was presented just to him from the President of the United States, and for which he received a parade at his homecoming from Vietnam. His sisters sang for him. My cousin presented a poem for him and we all said goodbye to him and buried him right next to his brother and his parents.
I know that my grandpa had some health problems in his final months, and that he wasnt always feeling his best. But being the proud man that he was, he never let it show. If we hadn't just known that he was feeling this way then we never would have found out. In my grandpa's final days he was able to drink all the soda and liquids he wanted, he was able to go outside and play with his big boy toys (read: lawnmowers) until the wheels really fell off of them and then he went in the house, got in the bed, and slept the most peaceful sleep ever. Now I picture him with my Grandma Barbara holding hands...TOGETHER FOREVER...give her a big kiss for me grandpa. I love you.
Posted by ME at 9:31 AM
c0mments!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday, August 3, 2007
Family Matters
Well, well, well...in the wake of my grandpa's passing I have seen some of my family members for what they truly are. Selfish, unloving, greedy, and just overall people that my grandpa would not have wanted to claim...
When we got to WV the 1st day, we found out that about 1/2 hour before we got there my 2 aunts left the house and WV in general. We didn't know why they left, we didn't know where they went or even if they would be coming back, and we didn't find out until much later that one of them wouldn't be returning. Why you ask...well let me tell you.
When we got to WV we noticed that all of my grandpa's important papers were gone, his wallet was gone and his money was gone. My grandpa was not known for going to the bank and could be found often with up to $2,000 in his wallet. After asking everybody she could ( except those aunts) about the money, the wallet, the credit cards, and the papers she learned that my aunt...we will call her Jackie (her real name by the way) had taken the credit cards and used them to buy a plane ticket after my grandpa's death. The day before we learned that however we found my grandfathers wallet thrown into the back of a drawer...reminiscent to what a thief would do if they found your walet out on the street, did i mention that the other aunt used to live on the street while using drugs??? Coincidence.......I think not.
While many more things were stolen from my grandpa after his death, I will decline to mention them for fear of you all judging me based on my shared DNA with said aunts. I will however mention that only 3 of his 7 children are biologically his and said aunts are not in the mix. I hope and (even though im not religious) pray that they get whats coming to them, stealing from the dead is one thing, but when stealing from the one person in your life who never left you and always supported you...I know of only one place where you belong...and real or imagined...that place is very hotttttt.
Posted by ME at 10:40 PM
c0mments!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday, August 2, 2007
A little bit of history
Ok, well...it has been a while...As you all know. My Grandfather passed away on July 27th and my life hasn't been the same since. I still miss him alot...We left to West Virginia on July 31st. It really is much more beautiful than I remember it being but I guess the last time I was there was in the summer of 1994 and chidren don't quite see things the way that adults do. Riding through the mountains and the beautful ness made me realize just why my Grandfather wanted to go back there. What I didn't realize was that He just left Cali in the beginning of July, and he died at the end of it. It was like that was where he wanted to be for real. I walked into the house and I didn't recognize anything. My mom kept telling me that that was my Grandfather's house, but i didnt see any of his belongings, I didnt smell his cologne. It didnt feel like my Grandfather was in that house. I still didn't truly understand why he wanted to be there, alone...no children, no one to be there for him when he took his last breath. I didn't understand until I went into the back yard...
It turns out, that my Grandfather was born on the same land that he died on. Behind the house that he finally came to own was his childhood home, falling apart and breaking down, not even fit to be walked into. That land, that house was Grandpa's pride and joy. The story goes...
When my Great-Grandmother was alive some people (White, just an observation) came and told her that she had to start paying double the taxes on her land that she already was paying. She and my Great-Grandfather owned one complete mountain that was passed down to them from their mother Sarah Charlton. Their family of slaves was given that land when slavery ended. When the banks came down and told my Great grandparents that they had to pay more taxes on their land they were forced to sell it. My grandfather could remember as a child when his mom would take him all around and tell him the story of how much land she owned... which was now reduced to the land under a 2 bedroom shack where the whole family lived. When my Grandpa and his younger brother grew up and made some money they bought the first piece of land back for their mom and built her anothersmall house on it. Eventually they bought back every piece of land that was once theirs and the last piece of land that they could buy was the piece right in front of his chidhood home. The people he bought that piece of land from had built a home on it, and instead of tearing down that house, my grandpa just decided to move into that house. At the time of his death my Grandpa and his brother owned a full mountain and while I'm not sure of the achorage of the rest of the land, I do know thatif you were to stand on top of the house...All the land you can see on every side of the house belongs to my family. Cool huh???
Posted by ME at 9:36 PM
c0mments!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, July 28, 2007
July 28, 2007
*~*MrS. yOuNgE*~*Well, today I spoke with my mom, she wants to find a way for us to go up to West virginia for the funeral. I want to go, but golly, I know that once I go out there I wll be able to do nothing but cry. It just hurts so much. Last night Linda took P for me so i could get some rest, and it worked, but I just knew the whole time that the only thing I wanted to do was hold my son. It's amazing how becoming a mom hs made nothing else in my life have the power like he does to make me happy, or even smile. We didn't go anywhere today, but I tried to work a litle bit. I didn't do well, but whatever. I JUST MISS HIM SO MUCH...LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
Posted by ME at 5:20 PM
c0mments!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday, July 27, 2007
This morning at about 9 am I got a call from my little brother saying that my grandfather passed away early this morning. I didnt want to believe it, I didnt want it to be true. I tried to remain calm, and not worry too much about it, but after anout an hour i got a call from my mom crying. I didnt even need to hear her say it, once I saw her name on my caller id I could just feel it in my stomach. When I heard her crying I couldnt stop myself. It hurts so much. I dont even know how to feel. I have only had one other peron die in my life, and it didnt hurt nearly as much. I cant even cry anymore. I cant let it hurt me. I just keep trying to think, that maybe he knew, that maybe its a good thing, but my own selfshness wont let me fully believe that. They said that he passed away in his sleep, that they went in to go get him this morning, and that was when they found him. Just typing that makes me hurt, i dont want to type that they found him dead, or that they found his body. That just seems so cruel to me. my grandfather was more than just a body, he was more than just alive. He was my grandfather. he was the man who raised me when my mom and my dad couldnt. I know he wasnt perfect, but luckily I have always been a little bit naive. I never quite know whats going on completely, and its no different with my grandfather. I prefer to only think of the good things that I could say about him.
I kinda knew it was coming, and I kinda knew that it was going to be soon, but I didnt know how much it would hurrt when it happened. I just want to sleep. My grandfather was never a hug and kiss type of guy, but we all knew that he loved us anyway. The last time I saw him I promised him that me and the baby would come to WV to see him, I dont want to go. I dont want to see him like that. I just want him to be alive again. I want him to be back. Its not supposed to hurt this much. Hes not supposed to be gone. I keep waiting for the call, the same one i got when they said my brother died. I keep waiting to get that call, but I dont think its coming. People keep getting to my moms house. They are all congregating like they do when someone died. For every person that gets there its like another teeny tiny little sword that gets stabbed into my heart. I dont know how to feel. I want to be happy. I dont know if I believe in God or heaven, but I know that wherever he is, hes ok. 
I keep trying to force it to make sense in my head. I mean, my grandfather grew up in West Virginia, thats where his family was, and in the past few months, thats the only place he wanted to be. I just keep trying to think that maybe thats where he wanted to be. That maybe he knew, and he wanted to be where his mother and father, where his brothers and sisters, where everyone else he knew passed away. I know that in the past 30 years he has been alone for the most part. The only person that was there for him earlier on was Avis, whatever reason she left, I like to think that God, or whoever brought her back into his life because thats what he wanted. Thats who he wanted to be with. Even though we dont quite understand why he cared about her, or what made him open up his heart or his home, he did. And I prefer to think that he wanted her to be with him when he passed. I know that he died in his sleep, and thats how we would all want to go. i know that hes not in pain anymore. No more dialysis, no more insulin, no more medication, no more confusion, hes gone. But hopefully hes happy. Hopefully he sees that we all love him, and hopefully he knows that we all miss him. Hopefully He's with my Grandma, and he can be happy. I love you Grandpa, and I miss you already.
This morning at about 9 am I got a call from my little brother saying that my grandfather passed away early this morning. I didnt want to believe it, I didnt want it to be true. I tried to remain calm, and not worry too much about it, but after anout an hour i got a call from my mom crying. I didnt even need to hear her say it, once I saw her name on my caller id I could just feel it in my stomach. When I heard her crying I couldnt stop myself. It hurts so much. I dont even know how to feel. I have only had one other peron die in my life, and it didnt hurt nearly as much. I cant even cry anymore. I cant let it hurt me. I just keep trying to think, that maybe he knew, that maybe its a good thing, but my own selfshness wont let me fully believe that. They said that he passed away in his sleep, that they went in to go get him this morning, and that was when they found him. Just typing that makes me hurt, i dont want to type that they found him dead, or that they found his body. That just seems so cruel to me. my grandfather was more than just a body, he was more than just alive. He was my grandfather. he was the man who raised me when my mom and my dad couldnt. I know he wasnt perfect, but luckily I have always been a little bit naive. I never quite know whats going on completely, and its no different with my grandfather. I prefer to only think of the good things that I could say about him.
I kinda knew it was coming, and I kinda knew that it was going to be soon, but I didnt know how much it would hurrt when it happened. I just want to sleep. My grandfather was never a hug and kiss type of guy, but we all knew that he loved us anyway. The last time I saw him I promised him that me and the baby would come to WV to see him, I dont want to go. I dont want to see him like that. I just want him to be alive again. I want him to be back. Its not supposed to hurt this much. Hes not supposed to be gone. I keep waiting for the call, the same one i got when they said my brother died. I keep waiting to get that call, but I dont think its coming. People keep getting to my moms house. They are all congregating like they do when someone died. For every person that gets there its like another teeny tiny little sword that gets stabbed into my heart. I dont know how to feel. I want to be happy. I dont know if I believe in God or heaven, but I know that wherever he is, hes ok.
I kinda knew it was coming, and I kinda knew that it was going to be soon, but I didnt know how much it would hurrt when it happened. I just want to sleep. My grandfather was never a hug and kiss type of guy, but we all knew that he loved us anyway. The last time I saw him I promised him that me and the baby would come to WV to see him, I dont want to go. I dont want to see him like that. I just want him to be alive again. I want him to be back. Its not supposed to hurt this much. Hes not supposed to be gone. I keep waiting for the call, the same one i got when they said my brother died. I keep waiting to get that call, but I dont think its coming. People keep getting to my moms house. They are all congregating like they do when someone died. For every person that gets there its like another teeny tiny little sword that gets stabbed into my heart. I dont know how to feel. I want to be happy. I dont know if I believe in God or heaven, but I know that wherever he is, hes ok.
