Wednesday, January 14, 2009

dear you...

I am so tired of hearing you complain about your life. You have it good and you know you have it good, but then why won't you just shut the hell up about how sad you are and how you can't get over it. Everyone around you keeps complimenting about how your life is so complete and you are just eating it up. You have a loving son, are getting ready to have a baby girl, you have a husband who loves you more than anything in the world...and even a damn dog. You may not be a millionaire, but you and your husband don't worry about how you will pay the bills and still have money left over to have a little fun with. There are people in your life that love you so much and would help if you just asked (I mean one of them even "donated" a nice chunk of money to the cause...he he he) so why do you dwell on and cry about the one that doesn't.

You constantly complain that you don't have enough friends in your life, but when people around you annoy you, or treat you badly even just once in joking, you write them off forever. You have no problem with the forgive aspect, but you are like a damn elephant remembering every damn thing.

You put on a great facade in relation to who you are and who you want to be, but don't you know that people can always see through it. They see down to the self conscious little girl you are who gets her feelings hurt when her son reaches out to daddy instead of her after a long time apart. Stop faking it. Live your life, its the only one you have...love your family, get over your problems, and move on. Know that there are things you can change and things you can't, and learn to let go of the ones you can't. Stop smiling on the outside and crying on the inside, switch them around sometimes. Take what the people around you say and feel, and appreciate that you have people in your life that care enough to observe that you are here, and you are alive.

And most of all...

Posted by ME at 6:29 AM

c1mments!
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How much is enough?

How much money is enough to make you feel good on any given day. I am a stay at home mom and we are living on one "okay" income, so i have to admit, it doesn't take much for me to get geeked. If I find $5 in the bottom of an old purse I am so excited, and I might be happy all week. So today we got notice that we will be getting a check with a few 0's behind it in the next few days, plus im filing taxes early, so that should come not too far behind. This isn't working though. I'm still upset and stressed. I know we might have some left over after we close (if we do ever close) on this house, but it wont be much, and it really wont be enough to get ourselves out of our gaping hole of debt. Why is it that $5 will make me happy...but a few hundred just makes me dread waking up and having to deal with it. I feel like biggie and puff with this one...mo money, mo problems!!!

Posted by ME at 6:19 AM

c0mments!
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Monday, January 12, 2009

Atonement

Him: New rule, no more talking about the old "us"
Me: Why not? Does it bother you that much?
Him: Because I don't like to talk about things I wish never happened.
Me: What do you mean? You wish we never happened?
Him: Actually yes
Me: WTF?
Him: I consider those my dumber days and I wish I could have just skipped them.

Tonight
Me: Do you really consider the time we were together to be your dumber days...do you really wish they never happened...
Him: (talking around the truth)...well...i wouldn't quite say-
Me: don't try to clean it up...Just tell me straight
Him: yes.

wow...that hurt alot, I felt the ball in my throat, and it was so hard to try to continue a conversation around it. I kept swallowing, trying to blink back tears...you never want to be tol dthat it is because of you that a person wishes they had never lived through a certain part of life.

To him...I'm sorry you feel that way. I was going through alot back then, some of which you wouldn't believe if I told you. I cared alot...but I didn't know how to show it. I equated love with sex, and sex with pain, so I was all screwed up. At 16-18 you didn't have the tools to show me any different so I did what I thought was best. I did what I wanted to do and used you like those before you used me. Now I am healed. I am a woman, I understand what I did, and why you feel the way you do. I wish you didn't, but theres no use crying over spilled milk, the past is over now. You are one of my best friends and I thank you for being able to put the past behind you and accept me for what I have become, and not what I was. I love you now, I always will, but i can't say I always did...because I didn't know what love was, and for that...I'm sorry I lied.

To me...hold your head up. It's gonna get better

Posted by ME at 8:23 PM

c0mments!
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