Sunday, September 30, 2007

My bad birthday update

Sooo...yesterday was my birthday and I am gonna assume you all want an update....Well, let me start at te beginning. I woke up at like 8:30 am to my husband running out of the house. Me and the baby hung out and relaxed all day. Husband called me to tell me that he had spent some ungodly amount of money on new tires. This money just also happened to include the money that was suppose to be used for my birthday. I was sad and I shed some tears and all, but over all I was ok. So then husband comes home at like 5 o'clock. We went out and got some taco bell, instead of going out to a restaurant like we had planned, and came home and just stayed at home for the rest of the night. I got a call from my dad that night and one from my mom also. Basically, my birthday sucked...I hope next year will be better. If husband wants to make this up to me he will do something wonderful for our 3 year (dating) anniversary. October 12th baby, don't forget.

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Posted by ME at 9:48 AM

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Saturday, September 29, 2007

100 things about me.....

    I. I am 21 years old, married and have a child. Sometimes I wish I could just be 21.

    II. I believe I get my take no bullsh*t attitude because when I was younger the two times we moved out of our houses it was so my uncles could move in, and mommy never stood up for herself and it always made me so d*mn mad.

    III. My favorite color was baby blue for a long time and I never told anyone that it was because it was also Justin Timberlake’s favorite color. Now my favorite color is pink, I don’t know if that’s anyone famous’ favorite color.

    IV. My dad once got really mad at me because I posted ‘Mason “Ma$e” Betha is my baby’s daddy.’ I didn’t understand the significance then, kinda thought it just meant boyfriend…but I don’t understand why he got so mad…

    V. I am the only black girl I know that likes country music.

    VI. I can listen to a song that I like a million times and never get tired of it.

    VII. I love to sing, even though it’s not good. As long as the music is just a little bit louder than me, I swear I can sound just like the singer.

    VIII. Ever since I was very small I knew that I wanted to name my son after his father. I just got lucky that my husband feels the same way.

    IX. When I was little I wanted to be a pediatrician. When I told my daddy that, he seemed so sad that I didn’t want to be an artist, so I told him I would draw little pictures on the back of the bills That seemed to make him happy.

    X. I took my first psychiatry class at Mesa College when I was just 14 and I got an A. I had to lie and say I was 15.

    XI. My 1st school play I was an elf at my Christian Kindergarten, and my last one I was Ross in Macbeth at Roosevelt. My acting skills were at about the same level both times.

    XII. My 1st best friend was my cousin Monique, and to this day she is still my best friend and my son’s god mother.

    XIII. I am scared of the dark, but I love the night time.

    XIV. I hate coconut.

    XV. I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed at the age of 18.

    XVI. I currently have 2 tattoos and 2 piercings. I would definitely like more tattoos, and to get my tongue re-pierced and possibly something else pierced. ;)

    XVII. One thing I never tell anyone is that my mom is a lesbian. It used to make me uncomfortable, but now I could care less. My mom also doesn’t know that I have been with a woman.

    XVIII. My pets, in order of appearance, were; Max, a beta fish; Steven, a golden retriever; Revo, a German shepherd; A few chicks (no namez); Lucky, a hamster; Essence, a guinea pig; Cappuccino, a hamster; Lily, a cat; Jay and Nino, ferrets; Missy, a cat; and Skunk and Tigger, more ferrets.

    XIX. I am not necessarily scared of mice and rats; I just don’t like their tails. Butterflies and birds on the other hand are a different story.

    XX. I started getting migraines when I was a very young child. Back then I swore it was due to a brain tumor.

    XXI. I met my husband on the Internet merely by accident. When we first met him, I didn’t like him at all…Now I LOVE him. He started staying at my apartment in the first week that I knew him, and after that I stopped dating everyone else….This is my romantic love story.

    XXII. I have dated two guys that have subsequently turned gay. I would feel bad, but they were both effeminate before.

    XXIII. I don’t really know what size shoe I wear. I buy 7 in men’s, 8 ½ in women’s sports shoes, but a 9-9 ½ in dress shoes.

    XXIV. I love comedy movies, but Husband likes scary and action. It has been about 2 years since I have seen a comedy movie.

    XXV. I once went fishing and my line got stuck on a rock under the dock, and I thought I had caught a sea lion.

    XXVI. In my college dorm, people started calling me chicken, because they said my legs were shaped like chicken legs…thick at the top, and thin at the bottom. I guess they were right.

    XXVII. Both of my parents have tattoos, and they both got them after I got my first one.

    XXVIII. When I was very young I had a book that was a Christmas book with Santa Claus and everything. It had my name in it.

    XXIX. When I was little I didn’t like taking baths. I once ran outside completely naked and stepped on a spider…That was very gross, and I remember it vividly to this day.

    XXX. When sitting on the dock at Seaport Village in San Diego, I fell more relaxed than anywhere in the world.

    XXXI. My senior year in high school, I was there often.

    XXXII. I was born on September 29th 1985 at 3:31 pm. My mom had been in labor since 6:00 am. Her labor was about 1/3 the length of mine.

    XXXIII. I found out I was pregnant with my son on Super Bowl Sunday. Prior to that I thought I was dying. If my son grows up to be a pro football player, that would be a fun story. Only the first part though.

    XXXIV. I enjoy astrology. My sun sign is Libra, my moon sign is Aries, and my Chinese sign is Ox.

    XXXV. Right after my son was born I felt myself getting dumber so I started doing puzzles and online riddles. I completed all of the riddles of riddles and weffriddles.

    XXXVI. Organized religion angers me. I hereby consider myself to be more spiritual than religious.

    XXXVII. I enjoy watching people dance. I can’t dance, but it is such a turn on when a man or a woman knows how. Coincidentally, my husband can’t dance.

    XXXVIII. I enjoy reading celebrity gossip, and I visit mediatakeout.com, perezhilton.com and ybf.blogspot.com every day. I hate having to hear about celebrity gossip on the news.

    XXXIX. I started reading when I was two, and my aunt tells me that at the age of three she would come over and I would be sitting on the sofa reading the newspaper.

    XL. When I was younger, I was tested and found to have a very high IQ, it was 132. I don’t know what it is now…I’m actually scared to get tested.

    XLI. I’ve always wanted a big wedding, tons of family, in a big white with flowers and bubbles. My husband and I got married in the court house. We plan to have a proper weeding one day…Wish us luck.

    XLII. I try really hard to be a perfect mommy, but everyday I have to realize myself that no one is perfect, and as long as my baby is happy then I’m doing pretty damn good.

    XLIII. I am an only child. I love being an only child and I wouldn’t change it for the world. My husband is an only child also. We DEFINITELY do not want our son to be an only child.

    XLIV. I cry a lot during movies. Any sad movie will almost make me cry. When I was living in the dorm we watched Hard Ball, at the end when G-Baby died, I cried for hours like my best friend died.

    XLV. I don’t drive, but I do have really bad road rage already. I curse and make arm movements, and yell…it’s really bad.

    XLVI. I seriously believe that one day I will be rich. I will either win the lottery or become famous. Either way, all the money is already spent.

    XLVII. When I drink, I prefer it to be sweet alcohol. I don’t like to taste the alcohol. I like Malibu, baileys, and Kahlua. The first drink I ever had was Bacardi, and the first bottle my mom ever bought me was cask and creme…I was still in high school.


    XLVIII. If I could live my entire life with my husband, and die in his arms, I will die a happy woman. He is the only man I ever loved, and the first who I truly believed loved me.

    XLIX. I admire the people in my life that can show their vulnerability. I see vulnerability as a weakness and I learned long ago not to let the world see your weaknesses. I wish I was strong enough to be weak.

    L. I went to an all white elementary school and I began to “talk white” and “act white” . My family began calling me the white girl. Now I seriously believe I have race issues, and to this day I hate being called white.

    LI. I am scared of old people. Not just the regular old people, but the ones that look really old and really scary. I'm also scared of homeless people.

    LII. I hate it when people recommend movies based on the critics ratings. I am not an old white man and I do not like them picking my movies.


    LIII. When I was younger I wanted braces, a retainer and glasses. I wanted something to set me apart from everyone else. And I thought they made you look cute.


    LIV. When I get into an argument I am usually the 1st to apologize. I hate wasting my life away being mad. this is however dependent on the fact of whether or not I was actually wronged.


    LV. My dream of becoming a pediatrician or a psychiatrist died when i realized that i would have to go to school for a long time.


    LVI. Growing up in a place like San Diego, where it hardly ever rains, makes me love the rain and thunder storms, although I only like the thunder when my husband is with me.


    LVII. My husband and I were supposed to get married on Nov. 10, 2006, but there was a problem at the courthouse, so we had to push it back to the Nov. 17, 2006. For 6 months I would tell anyone who asked that we had been married on the 10th. this pissed my hubby off.


    LVIII. When I was pregnant I craved beef. I hereby state that I believe that my son is going to be a giant due to all of the growth hormones pumped into the meat. Think I'm crazy...It's OK, wait 5 years and I'll have my 6 foot tall 250 lb kindergartner beat you up.


    LIX. I once had a really bad dream about something horrible happening to my mom, and when I woke up crying I begged god to not make me have any more dreams like that. All through elementary, junior high, and high school I did not have/did not remember my dreams. This is one thing that cements my belief in GOD.


    LX. Coincidentally, my uncle was also in that horrible dream, and to this day, I don't like him and feel very uncomfortable around him. I know it was just a dream, but I can't just shake the image. NO, I WILL NOT TELL YOU THE DREAM.


    LXI. When I was little I used to love working with my hands and tools. I would get all my moms tools together and take my skateboard apart and put it back together. One day the ice cream man came while I was putting it back together, and I went to get ice cream and when I got back I forgot where I was. I threw it away after that.


    LXII. I have broken hearts and had my heart broken. The latter hurts worse, but it makes you realize just how bad you hurt someone else.


    LXIII. The main reason why I want my own house is so that I can decorate it like they do on DIY.


    LXIV. I hate humidity. I love A/C. I would always rather be cold than hot. Right now it is 85 degrees outside, but I am cuddled in my blankie.


    LXV. I vote in almost every election, and am registered as a democrat. I do however hate it when people say to vote "only democrat" or to vote on the "black ballot". I will vote for whomever I feel would have my best interest in mind. I did lose alot of confidence in this whole voting thing however after BUSH got into office. Electoral college my ass!!!


    LXVI. When I was a baby I almost choked on a lifesaver. my uncle who is a cop was there and he got it out. To this day I'm not too fond of lifesavers.


    LXVII. I love to read. If someone leaves me alone with a good book I can read it in one day.


    LXVIII. My favorite children's book is Love you forever, my least favorite is the giving tree. Sadly, my son has neither.

    LXIX. My son was born 4 weeks to the day before my birthday, his cousin was born 6 weeks after him, his god sister, 2 days after him, his other cousin 5 days after him, and he and his grandma share a birthday. Hopefully my daughter will have her own birthday.


      LXX. I found both of my tattoos on the internet and fell in love with them. The first, and ankh was from a gothic website, and my second, a sankofa is the same tattoo Janet Jackson has on her wrist (mine is better). Sankofa basically means "know your past so that when you do repeat it you will know how to react to it." It just sounds so much more poetic in african.

      LXXI. I have decided that my new alter ego is a woman whose parents are African royalty, but she was sent to the US during a major war. Her parents will come back to get her one day. I even know her parents names....Wouldn't that be crazy if it were true.

      LXXII. i once told my mom that if I found out one day that she wasn't my real mom, and my true parents came back for me that I wouldn't go. I told her though that it wasn't because I loved her, but because I had already trained her. I wonder if she remembers that.

      LXXIII. I would love to open up a group home for children when I get old and crockety. I want there to be a place where they can always call home, and I want to be able to give them that.

      LXXIV. For my entire high school career I worked at a thrift store by the YWCA. I bought everything that I wore those entire 4 years from there. I never told anyone because I was ashamed. Now I realize that i was wearing the same things my friends were, just newer and cuter and cheaper. I will however never make my child wear anything from a thrift store to school. If he wants to that's a whole different story.

      LXXV. I am so lonely that I pick up random habits. Some of those in the past year were puzzles, riddles, sudoku, haruto, crosswords, crocheting, knitting, scrap booking, tatting, reading, and baking. All of which i was just OK at.

      LXXVI. I was never one of those peanut butter loving kids. When I was in elementary school and had slept in and my mom didn't have time to take me to school she would take me to work with her and make me hide under her desk and give me jelly and crackers. I had so much fun under there.

      LXXVII. I try very hard to be organized, but I think it goes against my DNA.

      LXXVIII. I smoked weed everyday for half of my junior high and my entire high school careers. I have maybe only spent 15 bucks on it.

      LXXIV. I am and have always been very spoiled. I have a short attention span (It has taken me days to complete this list), and very low patience. I feel sorry for my husband.

      LXXV. Throughout high school I lived with my dad. I normally tell people it is because my mom kicked me out. This is not the whole truth. NO I WILL NOT TELL YOU THE WHOLE TRUTH.

      LXXVI. I have a serious problem throwing things away, especially batteries. I always feel like just because the battery doesn't work in that device it could still have a little bit of power left in it to work something else. I think I have upwards of 20 loose batteries all over this place.

      LXXVII. I am 5'4, my husband is 6'5, I hope my son gets my husband's height.

      LXXVIII. When it comes to relationships I am kinda jealous. I will not however fight for a man. That's not my style.
      LXXIX. When I was younger i would make all of my cousins sit down so we could play school. I was the teacher and I wouldn't let them get up until they finished their class work. To this day I still think about being a teacher.
      LXXX. I love jewelry, but I wear it very infrequently. I love my wrists and therefore love to wear bracelets. Of all of my jewelry I have the least amount of bracelets.
      LXXXI. My best friend and I had to promise to make each other to write in our blogs daily. We still forget sometimes.
      LXXXII. I used to think riding the trolley was the funnest thing to do in the world. This was before I actually had to use it as transportation. Now I hate it.
      LXXXIII. I am very interested in why people do what they do. This is why I love psychology. I do not particularly like listening to people talk though. This is why I don't like psychology.
      LXXXIV. When bored I like people to ask me questions about myself and my life. I guess this is reflected in the fact that my favorite subject is myself. I am however, not conceited.
      LXXXV. I don't have my driver's license and I'm really in no rush to get it.
      LXXXVI. I do not like chocolate chip cookies, and I;m not a big fan of donuts or cake....unless I'm pregnant.
      LXXXVII. I love taking baths. I have taken one bath since I was in high school and that was when I was pregnant. there is nothing funnier than trying to get out of a regular sized tub with a super sized belly.
      LXXXVIII. My entire pregnancy I only gained 6 lbs. I lost so much weight in the beginning of my pregnancy due to morning sickness. My son weighed 7 lbs, so I went home weighing less than I did when I started my pregnancy. Being pregnant was the best diet ever.
      LXXXIX. I'll try anything once.
      XC. I often have random numbers come into my mind. I always think that if I played the lotto with them then I would win, but they never come up, so I have yet to play them.
      XCI. I have been doing my own taxes since I started doing taxes. I refuse to pay for something I can do myself.
      XCII. Most likely if I'm home, I'm naked. It started when I was pregnant, and I loved it so much that I couldn't give it up.
      XCIII. My mom wanted a son so bad that for the first 6 months of my life I only wore blue.
      XCIV. There is nothing in this world better than a sincere kiss, a cold bowl of ice cream, and a good massage.
      XCV. When I started college I took a class that made me hate white people. Now I am OK, I just hate cruelty and ignorance.
      XCVI. I prefer multiple choice tests to essay tests. I think that's the only reason I got a good score on both my SAT's and my ACT's. I will not tell my test scores, but I got into every college I applied to.
      XCVII. I have tried photography, and while I enjoyed it, I didn't get anything worth showing. If I were rich I would have gone out and bought a million dollar camera...Since I'm not, I just gave up.
      XCVIII. I am not in style. Never have been never will be. I believe style is whatever you feel looks good on you...Nice clean clothes will always be in style...Sparkly shirts and strappy high heels will not.
      XCIX. I wanted very badly to go to a Christian private all girls high school. I would probably be a completely different person had I.
      C. This list was sooooooooo much harder than I thought it would be.

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    Posted by ME at 2:06 PM

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    My Fav C♥mmercial....



    I love it...look at the little boys hella jigging...If I saw this video a million times I would still love it....


    **oh yeah...happy birthday to me**

    Posted by ME at 9:31 AM

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    ♥ Happy Birthday To Me ♥

    When I was very young, my mom told me that as I got older I would realize that my birthday didn't matter as much as it did when I was younger. She also told me that that day held no significance to anyone as much as it did to me and her. As she put it, it was the day her best friend was born, and for me, the day I met my 1st best friend. My mom has always been there for me no matter what.
    I remember when I was little my mom would always go get people birthday cakes. Even if they hadn't done anything else for their borthdays they could count on mommy coming over with a nice big birthday cake. She always made everyone's day so much better than they would have been otherwise. I wish she was here. I know that later on today I will be alone so I will revel in the fact that right now, I am with my husband and my son, waiting for my best friend to get home so I can talk to her, and that even if people aren't here with me....I am loved. I love you mom, and lets celebrate this day together.......apart.♥

    Posted by ME at 12:01 AM

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    Tuesday, September 25, 2007

    Some things should be kept to yourself

    WTF.....I was texting my ex last night and he told me that he still loved me. WTF is wrong with him. I have written about him before, and I believe the last time I wrote about him it was the same thing. Read that entry. You will get the whole story. My only question is, what is the point in telling a married woman that you love her, even if she does love you back (which I do not) there is nothing she can do about it.
    I also recently found out that he is moving to Atlanta. He is the only man that I had a true long distance relationship with, and the reason why we broke up was because he couldn't get his ass to Atlanta. I was young and impatient and I wanted my man with me. Enter Husband. It was over between Dominic and me. I gave up on him completely. Now wwhat is he doing, trying to weasel his way into my life again. I highly hope not.

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    Posted by ME at 8:58 PM

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    Monday, September 24, 2007

    Bad News

    Wowzers, My husband just called me and told me that he was working with his uncle this Saturday so he could make some extra money for my birthday. This is very cool because now we can go out to dinner or something, but the one thing that he forgot is that this Saturday is my birthday. Yep, you got it right, my husband will be out working on my birthday. The funny part is that he actually started arguing with me when I told him that Saturday was my birthday. I guess it's ok. I'm a big girl, and I'll be able to spend the day with my best friend in the whole world anyway...My boy. It is just kinda sad, but I guess its true what they say, as you grow up, people stop caring about your birthday. I'm gonna go cry now......TTYL

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    Posted by ME at 10:51 AM

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    Sunday, September 23, 2007

    Pain

    Pain is horrible. It makes you think about doing certain things that you otherwise wouldn't think about doing. I have had a toothache for about 2 weeks, and now I feel like I just want to take a big pair of pliers to my tooth. I wish freakin dentists weren't so freakin expensive. I'm pretty sure they will want upwards of 100 dollars to pull this freakin tooth, and after it is pulled, so i don't look like a freakin country bumpkin for too long, I;m planning on trying to have another one put in there. No telling what thats gonna cost me. Well, we will see what happens, If I dont write for the next few days its because I am laying in a puddle of my own blood. Call the ambulance, and tell them to come to my house and pack my tooth hole with gauze...I mean, hell, thats all the dentist is gonna do anyway...and at least it won't cost me upwards of 200 dollars.

    Posted by ME at 11:09 PM

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    Friday, September 21, 2007

    a fun survey to break things up

    1. Who were you with yesterday? P


    2. What woke you up this morning? Husband looking for his keys


    3. Where are you? at home


    4. Is tomorrow going to be a good day? i would like to think so, every day I wake up is a good day


    5. Did you kiss or hug anyone today? my son...sadly...


    6. When was the last time you cried? a few nights ago...loneliness is a bitch


    7. Ever thrown up in public? yep, when i was preggo I threw up in public all the time


    8. Passed out because of alcohol? no, that's just dangerous...


    9. Would you take a bullet for anyone? yep


    10. Where would you like to live? No idea


    11. Made out with anyone on your top friends? yep


    13. What do you want to be when you grow up? I don't know anymore, i used to want to be something that made me rich and famous, but recently I have learned that there are better things in life...


    14. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?wow...27, maybe 1 or 2 more kids, happy, in a career, whatever i choose to do, and in my own house


    15. Who is your number one? my husband


    16. Have you kissed your number one on your top friends? yep,. he is my husband


    17. Who was the last person that left you a comment? Amberger


    19. Do you like candy necklaces? yep


    20. When was the last time you fell over or ran into something? everyday...I ran into the wall a few days ago...screw you...I was sleepy


    21. Do you listen to music every day? yep


    22. What was the last thing you ate? hot dogs


    23. Are you a fast typer? I can be


    24. About how many people have you liked? tons


    25. How many have you loved? i had never experienced a real love without the other party wanting something in return until I met husband...I assume that's real love and what else I was feeling was something else...


    26. What are you doing this weekend? I have no idea


    27. What's Your favorite type of soda? orange...thanks a lot husband


    28. Have you ever won an award? yep


    29. What do you want to do right now? go back home and get a carne asada burrito


    30. Are you listening to music right now? nope, but i will be in a second


    31. When were you the saddest in your whole life? I have no idea, the most recent was when my grandpa died


    32. What time is it? 11:17 pm


    33. Do you use Ebay to buy or sell? sell


    34. What makes you mad? idiots


    35. Have you ever had a song written about you? ummm, i dated a few musicians, so probably


    36. What song makes you cry? i don't know...



    37. What song makes you happy? anything happy



    38. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed? cartoons or the cooking shows on the food network

    39. Do you have a job? yeah, I work at home

    40. What makes you happy? making my son happy

    41. What's the next CD you're going to get? I don't buy Cd's...I thief 'em (lol)

    [Height:] 5'4

    [Hair:] cherry-cola

    [Eye Color:] brown

    [Wearing right now:] wife beater and a pair of pink sweats

    [What taste is in your mouth?] some fruit punch

    A word to describe 2007?: exciting...

    Summer 2007: short

    Honestly, do you miss 2006?it was a wonderful year...

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    Posted by ME at 10:26 AM

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    Thursday, September 20, 2007

    I'd pay $50 to learn how to do this.

    Lately I have been on some kind of a cleaning kick. I have been wanting everything to be spotless and I have even been wiping everything down with bleach. Today I tackled the one place in the house that I was really scared of even touching...I cleaned my kitchen, and in relation to that I cleaned my refrigerator. I took some before and after pics and there is a vast difference. I also learned today that I am not a real mom. Before cleaning my fridge out, I thought that we had enough stuff in there. I would open the door and look inside, take out a container, smell it, and put it back. I'll eat it later I think. Today I just threw it all away. I had already known that I was not a June Cleaver style mom, or even a woman, but damnit, I always thought that I wasn't like a crack head style mom. Today though reality smacked me in the face with a biiiiiiiiig bottle if bleach. After I cleaned my fridge it was entirely empty...I have tons of condiments including three opened bottles of the black people's staple...hot sauce, and a jar of sugar free apricot preservatives that my Step-Grandmother bought me back in 2004. But food wise....I have nothing. There is meat in my freezer, but in the fridge there are 2 eggs, and 1/2 a gallon of water. That's it. I need to take mommy classes...Anyone giving them, Count me in. But do not expect me to have it at my house...I have no hoers d' oeuvres.

    BEFORE :


    AFTER:



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    Posted by ME at 10:19 PM

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    Dear You...

    Why are you saying that all of a sudden you can't talk to me? We have a wonderful friendship, and when all feelings are put aside, we can be wonderful friends. Life isn't always what we want it to be, and it doesn't always end up the way we want it to. I just feel like we had our chance. I love you and I always have, and I always will, but that is as far as it can go. I love him, I care about him, I kiss him, I touch him, I make love to him, i go to sleep and wake up next to him every day and he means the world to me. I don't see you as a threat to my relationship and my happiness because I feel like the only reason why you are reaching out to me is because you are hurting. The second you realize and admit that she hurt you, then things will fall into place. Back in the day, when we had problems you would run to her, and when you two had problems, you came right back to me. I want to tell you that times have changed and you can't handle adult-sized problems with high school sized solutions. No matter how fun and easy it would be. I am happy, and I only want you to be happy also. You say that you can't be happy without me, but four years have passed, and if you have not committed suicide yet, then I doubt life was all that horrible without me. Like I said, I want you to be happy, and if there is anything else I can do aside from leaving everything I know, then I will give it my all. But if the question you want to ask and request is that which i cannot give, then there is your answer. Be happy, with me in your life, without me in your life, do what you feel you must to wake up smiling everyday. I just want your life to be magically, ridiculously happy...



    Love,

    With deepest regrets,

    Sincerely,...ME!!!

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    Posted by ME at 8:33 PM

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    Tuesday, September 18, 2007

    Love Is...

    Annoyingly,
    Perfectly,
    Sweetly,
    Unavoidably,
    Inconveniently,
    Specially,
    Passionately,
    Horribly,
    Importantly,
    Solidly,
    Interestingly,
    Beautifully,
    Lovingly,
    Excitingly,
    Sharply,
    Richly,
    Absolutely,
    Impossibly,
    Adequately,
    Inevitably,
    Irrevocably,
    Sufficiently,
    Completely,
    Fatally,
    Perpetually,
    Ideally,
    Foolishly,
    Deliciously,
    Patiently,
    Amazingly,
    Embarrassingly,
    Amusingly,
    Entirely,
    Surprisingly,
    Wonderful!!!

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    Posted by ME at 7:03 AM

    c0mments!
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    Monday, September 17, 2007

    Racism is alive and well..."Jena 6"

    Dear friend,
    I just learned about a case of segregation-era oppression happening today in Jena, Louisiana. I signed onto ColorOfChange.org's campaign for justice in Jena, and wanted to invite you to do the same.
    http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=1621-383756
    Last fall in Jena, the day after two Black high school students sat beneath the "white tree" on their campus, nooses were hung from the tree. When the superintendent dismissed the nooses as a "prank," more Black students sat under the tree in protest. The District Attorney then came to the school accompanied by the town's police and demanded that the students end their protest, telling them, "I can be your best friend or your worst enemy... I can take away your lives with a stroke of my pen." A series of white-on-black incidents of violence followed, and the DA did nothing. But when a white student was beaten up in a schoolyard fight, the DA responded by charging six black students with attempted murder and conspiracy to commit murder.
    It's a story that reads like one from the Jim Crow era, when judges, lawyers and all-white juries used the justice system to keep blacks in "their place." But it's happening today. The families of these young men are fighting back, but the story has gotten minimal press. Together, we can make sure their story is told and that the Governor of Louisiana intervenes and provides justice for the Jena 6. It starts now. Please join me:
    http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=1621-383756
    The noose-hanging incident and the DA's visit to the school set the stage for everything that followed. Racial tension escalated over the next couple of months, and on November 30, the main academic building of Jena High School was burned down in an unsolved fire. Later the same weekend, a black student was beaten up by white students at a party. The next day, black students at a convenience store were threatened by a young white man with a shotgun. They wrestled the gun from him and ran away. While no charges were filed against the white man, the students were later arrested for the theft of the gun.
    That Monday at school, a white student, who had been a vocal supporter of the students who hung the nooses, taunted the black student who was beaten up at the off-campus party and allegedly called several black students "nigger." After lunch, he was knocked down, punched and kicked by black students. He was taken to the hospital, but was released and was well enough to go to a social event that evening.
    Six Black Jena High students, Robert Bailey (17), Theo Shaw (17), Carwin Jones (18), Bryant Purvis (17), Mychal Bell (16) and an unidentified minor, were expelled from school, arrested and charged with second-degree attempted murder. The first trial ended last month, and Mychal Bell, who has been in prison since December, was convicted of aggravated battery and conspiracy to commit aggravated battery (both felonies) by an all-white jury in a trial where his public defender called no witnesses. During his trial, Mychal's parents were ordered not to speak to the media and the court prohibited protests from taking place near the courtroom or where the judge could see them.
    Mychal is scheduled to be sentenced on July 31st, and could go to jail for 22 years. Theo Shaw's trial is next. He will finally make bail this week.
    The Jena Six are lucky to have parents and loved ones who are fighting tooth and nail to free them. They have been threatened but they are standing strong. We know that if the families have to go it alone, their sons will be a long time coming home. But if we act now, we can make a difference.
    Join me in demanding that Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco get involved to make sure that justice is served for Mychal Bell, and that DA Reed Walters drop the charges against the 5 boys who have not yet gone to trial.
    http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=1621-383756
    Thanks.

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    Posted by ME at 11:12 AM

    c0mments!
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    Thursday, September 13, 2007

    I can't think of a title.....PRO-ME!!!

    When I was in high school I was a staunch pro-lifer..I believed that if you laid down and got pregnant then you had to deal with that, and you should give birth to the baby. It is your responsibility, and you shouldn't just be able to throw it away like yesterday's garbage. After talking with a few people I realized that its not always that cut and dry. Sometimes you are poor, sometimes you are in an abusive relationship, you know that if you brought this baby into the world you wouldn't be able to give it want it deserved, and that, above anything else, even killing your child for the sake of your personal life, would make you a horrible parent. While I was struggling with these facts in my own life, dealing with who's side I was on, dealing with all of this, I became pregnant. Still in high school, and not even sure who the father was. I was lonely and scared. Sick and immature. Getting ready to enter my senior year of high school, doing drugs and having sex, I was young, and at that point in my life, no matter how I want to think about it, or justify it, I would have made a horrible parent. I was still a child myself, doing grown up things, and while it looked fun, to have a baby, to have someone who would always love me, always be there, it sounded fun. I thought I was ready, and that i could do it. I started trying to hide it from my parents. I didn't tell them, only my boyfriend, the assumed father.

    On a family trip, they found out. My dad, I guess looking into all of what I said before, and looking ahead a few years...made me get an abortion. I was so mad, I was hurt, and upset, but i did it. I laid down by myself on a cold hard table and let someone rip my baby from my body. They killed my first son or daughter. Somewhere, in a dumpster behind a planned parenthood, stuck to the side, is my son's older brother or sister. Why did i do it, is it because I was selfish, scared, a child, yes to all of the above. I don't remember much of what happened, and I guess they say that is a coping mechanism, to deal with what you don't want to, you forget about it. So I did that, I pushed it to the bottom, and I forgot about it. I vowed that it would never happen again. I vowed that I would never let someone take my baby again. And I didn't.

    When I found out that i was pregnant with my son I was so scared, I was young, and in a new relationship. We had just celebrated our 1 year anniversary, and although I loved him, I wasn't sure I could bring a child into this. I did think about not keeping the baby. I never told anyone this(not even Husband), typed it or whatever, but when I found out I was pregnant and I asked James what he wanted to do, and if he wanted to keep the baby, he told me no. We decided to do what I vowed I would never do. I called to make the appointment, and when the woman started talking about how I understood all the risks associated with an abortion, and how I knew that it would mean the end of my pregnancy and death to the unborn fetus, I hung up. I cried. I cried to myself for hours. How could I do this again? How could I kill another baby? It was then that i decided that I couldn't. That I would keep this baby. When Husband got home from work I told him that, I told him that I would keep the baby with or without him, that I would raise this baby, and while it would be hard, and that i would definitely like it if he were with me to do it, that I understood that he didn't want the baby and that if he wanted to not be a part of the baby's life then I would be OK with that, as long as he signed over whatever parental responsibilities he had. He hugged me and kissed me and told me that we would do it together. 7 and a half months later I gave birth to our son, and while I understand that life would have been so much easier without him, it wouldn't be the same and it wouldn't be half as good.

    Now you can imagine my surprise when I found out I was expecting yet again. My son hadn't even turned 1 yet, and I was about 2 months pregnant with the next one. I told Husband from the beginning that I would not consider having an abortion and that we would keep this baby. We went to the Dr's and there they told me that they didn't see a heartbeat, but that it was still early and that it could be so small that they could have just missed it. They told me to come back the next week and see the ultrasound doc. I did, and he told me with a stone face that my baby hadn't grown. they still didn't see a heartbeat, but that that didn't necessarily mean anything still, but the fact that my baby wasn't growing was a problem. They told me that I was basically miscarrying. I didn't know what to say. When I left there they probably thought that I didn't have feelings, I didn't cry, I didn't smile. I wasn't surprised, I didn't know what to say. They told me that they would recommend me giving my body a few days, at the most a week, and then if I hadn't miscarried by then that i would have to get an abortion. They also mentioned a D&C, but I was advised by my best friend to not get that. The problem was that insurance wouldn't cover what they called an "elective abortion." How is this elective, I thought, my baby is dead, its necessary. They told me that those were the rules, they didn't make them, only enforce them.

    I went home and I waited 2 weeks. I took a vacation and celebrated my son's 1st birthday. I cried every night and woke up and was mommy all day. I guess this is where my feeling of loneliness started. I had no one who understood what I was feeling. Ber had gone through this also to a certain extent, but i felt like I had asked for it. God was punishing me. I had killed one child, and contemplated killing another, I guess he took it out of my hands and killed the third for me. i felt guilty. If only I had embraced each miracle when they happened, I wouldn't be putting myself through this. After my two weeks, with Dr's seriously advising me to have the baby removed, I made the appointment. I couldn't cry. If you cry they think you aren't sure and they won't make the appointment. I was sure, hell, I didn't have a choice.

    **details of an abortion mentioned...If you don't want to know about it skip past this paragraph**

    I went to the clinic on Saturday morning for my noon appointment. I sat in a room filled with women and girls of all different races and ages. Some were with their mothers, some were with their boyfriends, maybe some were with their husbands. As soon as I walked in they asked me if I was going to be awake or asleep. I told them awake. At already over $400 and with anesthesia costing even more, my bank decided I couldn't be put to sleep. I figured that would be OK. I never wanted to forget this. I felt like it was my punishment. I deserved it. We sat for about 4 and a half hours, being called back periodically to have my blood tested and my counseling session (apparently its required by the state of GA before an abortion). I also got an ultrasound. they made me sign something saying if I wanted to see the ultrasound picture,I checked yes, but once I was back there i decided against it. With the way I was feeling at this point, I wanted to see a bigger baby or a heartbeat so damn bad. I was sure I would just imagine it. I laid back, kinda like when i was pregnant with my son, I lifted my shirt, the tech never made eye contact with me, when she spoke to me, it was always with her back turned. We were in a small dark room, alone. When I was pregnant with my son it was a time of happiness, now it was a time of sorrow, sadness, no glee whatsoever. After she got done taking a few pics, she placed a tissue on my stomach and told me to "clean yourself up," I felt like the girl in the movies who had been used by the football team. Like I was nasty, dirty, filthy. Tears filled my eyes. I wiped off and asked her if that was it. She said yes and opened the door so I could go. I wiped my eyes and went back to sitting with my husband. After a few more hours of that, they finally called me back. Told me to get fully naked and to put on a gown and a hair covering. I did, and they escorted me back to another room with three girls in it. 15, 17and 27. They all knew this was what they wanted to do. they were so sure. The 17 year old said that this had ruined her relationship with her bf, he wanted the baby and he didn't. The 15 year old was talking about how her mom was ready to go and hungry and what she was gonna eat when she left. the 27 year old said that the guy she was with was her bf, but not the baby's father. She had been dating 2 men, and decided that she liked him more...she broke up with the other one only to find out that she was pregnant by him. Never did I hear the words, I don't want to do this. I'm scared. I just want to leave. I want to keep my baby. Where's the exit...All of these are what I was thinking. They asked me...Aren't you scared. You are gonna be awake. I was scared. I told them no. I was one of the older and I wanted to be strong, because the youngest 2, I could see myself in their eyes. It may sound weird, but i could see myself in them. Too young, doing what I shouldn't have been doing, scared, alone, but acting like I was strong. I wondered how many tears they had cried, how long they knew before they broke the frightening news to their moms. Did she cry. I wondered all of this, but I said nothing. I covered up, and let them talk among themselves, I turned to Dreamgirls. The nurse called them out one by one. Left me alone, again. I imagined my baby kicking, turning, moving, breathing, loving, kissing, crawling, walking, growing, and I cried. They called me back. Told me to lay on the table, put my legs in the stirrups, paged the Dr. He came in and rubbed my head. Told me to be strong. He said, you might feel a bit of cramping but you will be OK. The nurse told me that she was there for me, That if I needed to talk that she would be there, I could hold her hand if I needed to. I said OK. I wouldn't need her hand. I would be OK. I was a big girl, doing big girl things, making adult decisions, and I didn't need her hand. The Dr. inserted the speculum. He said, this is gonna be cold. wiped my cervix with beta dine. He asked me how I was doing, I told him OK. He asked about football. Told the nurse he wasn't a big sports man. Now back to me. He said, OK, this is gonna be a little pinch, I'm gonna insert the numbing medication. It hurt so bad. Like a big pinch, I knew it would be over soon. No turning back now. He took out the needle. Told me to breathe, I didn't even realize I had stopped. Inhale, exhale. He told me he had to insert it in the other side. I felt a pinch, burn, all the way to my butt...Inside. It hurt so bad. I moaned. The nurse rubbed my hand told me it would be OK. I breathed again. Instructions: Breathe, in and out, I'm going to open your cervix. Pain. Sooooooo bad, I have no words to explain it, I know it was worse than a contraction. I moaned, cried out, grabbed the nurse's hand. Once, twice, three four five times, I stopped counting, concentrated on my breathing. I was hurting. I was killing. Wait, I feel a kick. Maybe this isn't for me. I don't remember it hurting this bad before. I change my mind. Do-over. He stopped. I opened my eyes. bright lights. OK, in goes the vacuum. Pain, in my chest, in my uterus, in my stomach, cramps, sucking, twisting. I squeezed the nurses hand. Don't move. I cried. It hurt. I wanted Husband. Why can't he be with me? "I'll stop when I'm sure its all out sweetie, you are doing really good." Twisting, twisting, twisting, twisting, twisting, twisting, twisting, finally he turned the machine off. Sent the nurse to check something in another room..."You got it," she says when she comes back. The Dr helped me put my legs down, covered me with the blanket. "You did really good." After a few minutes they wheel me outta the room into another. I'm laying there, hurting, alone, crying. they ask me if I want some juice and crackers. I say sure. they lift my head, make me sit up. There is the 17 year old. Aubrianna. i don't know why I remember that. I remember thinking that it was a pretty name. Pretty name, pretty girl, poor thing. She asked me if it hurt. I nodded my head. screw being strong. I ate, I drank, got dressed. They sat me down, so you have a child already huh? Yeah, I'm still breastfeeding, please make sure the medication is safe. I killed one baby, want to keep the other one safe. YES, very safe. She gives me the prescription, tells me to take it easy, to be OK. I go to the car. Get my husband. He's annoyed. Asks me how I feel, I tell him like crap and close my eyes. Before I know it, I'm back home.

    **end of abortion story, you can continue reading**
    So now I've done it twice. Once my decision, once not. I regret both times. I wish it would have gone differently. I will never forget this, and I hope if you come across this page and you are thinking about whether or not you want an abortion, you won't either. I'm not being pro-life or pro-choice, I just want everyone to be more informed than I was. It's a big decision, and even if you don't experience the pain I felt before and during, we all experience the same pain afterwards, both emotional and physical. I love my son, and I know I could have loved more, I will when the time is right...just not right now. Now its time for me to go be a mommy. TTYL

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    Posted by ME at 9:58 AM

    c2mments!
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    Tuesday, September 11, 2007

    feelings...nothing more than feelings...

    Life can get kinda depressing when you feel like you are against everything by yourself. I feel like every bit of pain and struggle, and everything I face, I am facing it all alone. I know I'm not alone, I mean, I have a husband who loves me and I know he loves me, and a best friend who says she will always be there for me. I have a mom that is my best friend, and a "group" of friends that are there for me. i guess i do have more than most, but for some reason it just still isnt enough to keep me happy.

    Like I said, I know my husband loves me, but he spends every spare second he has in front of his game and that damn television set. I sometimes just wish I could take a sledge hammer to the whole damn set. He stays up all night, every waking minute, playing that damn game, and he comes to bed when he can barely hold his eyes open. We never have that healthy-couple cuddle talk time, because every time he hops into the bed its only to sleep. I try to mix it up, entice him in his land, on the sofa, he tells me to move out of the way or that I'm ignoring him. I feel like maybe he should be married to the game, and not to me. All I want is some time
    with my husband and to not have to try to compete with something that isnt even alive. As I type this, he's laying next to me in the bed sound asleep only coming to be 5 minutes ago. Why am I even married. Why do I put up with it? Why don't I put my foot down? Because I don't know what else to do, I don't know how to make him change, and I don't want him to get so upset at me bullying him that he wants to leave. I just wish I had a husband and not a freakin throw pillow attached to a game controller. It's clear that I am sad. I don't try to hide it, I don't try to stop it. I heard somewhere that you shouldn't hide your feelings, so thats what I try not to do, but it is so hard sometimes. I tell him with tears in my eyes and sadness in my face that I am lonely, but he responds to that with his "ok's" and his "I'll be there soon." He comes to bed, and I guess you could say he does his part, I mean, he did play cards with me for all of 3 minutes, but what if I want more? What if I need more. I've started looking in strange places for friends, even connecting with an old flame who I could spend countless hours talking to. The sad thing is, as a married woman I shouldn't have to do that. When I get lonely
    I should be able to turn to my husband. When I can no longer spend my days filled with the joys
    of talking to a 12 month old, I should be able to call my husband and talk about his day. When I get to feeling this way, this sad, lonely, aching being...I should be able to turn to my husband and talk to him. The thing is, I can't. I turn to others, I turn to my blog, I turn to my ex, everywhere but the place I should be able to turn. I hope he reads this. I just want him to know, that his wife is sad. His wife needs something more than what hes giving her now, and that even though she doesn't know how to ask for it, that sometimes he needs to take a hint, and step up and be the man. That I need a companion, and a friend, and an ear, and a shoulder, and a lover, and a confidant, and a chatting buddy, and someone I can laugh with, and that he as my husband should try to be all of them. I want him to know that he said "I do" to me and not 99 nights, madden, tom clancy, nba 2k7, college football, or anything else, and that he needs to start acting like it. I know I've been rambling, but when I type through tears it gets like that. I know life isnt always perfect, but damnit...we can try can't we.

    When I feel like I just really need someone to talk to, like most women, I just wish I could talk to my best friend. Sadly, she has been out all week having fun. She always tells me that she is there and that if I need to talk that I can talk to her, but its so much easier to say then do. I try to call her, and she's out, I try to talk to her on yahoo or msn, and shes out. For some reason I get like this whenever she gets someone new in her life, and its not that I want her to bbe unhappy, of course I want her to find the love that she deserves. But I need her too. I want her back. 1st Bekah, then Maegan. I wanted her back soooo bad from Bekah, that i was actually a little bit happy when I found out that Bekah was a total bitch...I just knew that I could then have her all to myself...Lo and behold though, Maegan came around. She seems to be a good match for her, and she seems to make her happy, but i just want my ber back. I want her to take 5 minutes out of her day and let me know that she is thinking about me, and that she is actually interested in my day and what has happened in my life. i don't know if it just a figment of my imagination or what, but i feel like since we had our babies, we have begun to separate. I just want Ber to know, that I love her and I miss her, but that I never want her to feel like she should sacrifice her own happiness for me....Just know that I am here...and my life hasn't been put on hold.

    I guess this is just a rambling of me and y own pointless thoughts...I'm gonna talk to Chris and then go to sleep I guess.................TTYL


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    Posted by ME at 10:32 PM

    c2mments!
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    ggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    I hate bloggers strange formatting rules......

    Posted by ME at 5:13 PM

    c0mments!
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    Ber did this corny thing....

    And I figured I would check me and Husband's also.... here goes

    Libra + TaurusAir + Earth = DustLibra is ruled by Venus, and so is Taurus. Because of this there’s an immediate attraction between you. Your air element relates to your brains and your terrific communication skills, and all this appeals to the earthy and security-conscious Taurus. In return, Taurus can ground you and calm some of your mental scatter.You’ll both enjoy having a busy social life, but there are limits for Taurus, who loves the domestic side of life. You need the social circle, but it could get a little exhausting for Taurus, who needs a quieter sort of environment, at least from time to time.Luckily, you also like a bit of mental calm, and hooking up with Taurus will probably help you balance your bouts of partying and high living. You’ll be happy to finally settle into a more balanced routine. If you can be sensitive to Taurus’s needs, and support them, the relationship will be a great one — an excellent mix of social and domestic satisfaction. This will be a partnership in which you’ll both nurture each other. You’re service oriented, and can help Taurus move towards their work and life goals. Occasionally Taureans lose the ability to feel inspired about what they’re doing, where they’re going — you’ll be good at giving them the gentle push they need. This ability to rejuvenate Taurus can cost you in terms of your own physical wellbeing, though, so keep an eye on yourself.Also, you and Taurus may sometimes find your agendas out of sync and needing adjustment. In extreme cases, your love of the social life could mean you’re not ready to settle down when Taurus is. Allowances will need to be made on both sides. If you end up surrendering to Taurus’s needs out of a sense of obligation, your wellbeing and mental peace will suffer. Taureans born between 11 May and 21 May are far too grounded for your liking and could be a challenge for you. It will be hard work to get them up and out of their own fixed way of seeing and doing things.
    So based on that, We are good for eachother because we can have great communication and compatibility. He makes me want to settle down and I make him want to succeed. We can nurture eachother but his practicality along with his stubbornness can make me go insane.................
    SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT!!!

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    Posted by ME at 4:58 PM

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    Monday, September 10, 2007

    12 month dr appt

    Now I know why I gave birth to the boy...Its so he can do little things to make me laugh... He had a dr's appt today and sadly they had to give my baby shots. Well, as all of you other mommies know, they do everything before the shots so that you can quickly get your screaming little brat out of there...

    So after the whole appointment of P flirting with the nurses and Dr's they go to get the needles for the shots. When she comes back into the room with the 2 needles, she looks at P, and in a sweet voice she says...

    "Hey sweetie, You ready?"

    Then my little sweet boy, my littlebundle of happy baby joy, looks at her, and very seriously says,

    "No."

    Ha ha ha ha ha, it was priceless. He just turned 1, and even though he didn't know exactly what was happening, he knew enough to know to say no.

    I love him. ttyl

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    Posted by ME at 4:52 PM

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    Friday, September 7, 2007

    Dear You,

    I love you. I love you so much and I wish we could have made this entire journey together. I know it would have been hard for both of us but we could have done it. I am going to make a small promise to you if you can return the promise. I promise that when the time is right for both of us we will be back together. We will make this journey. It's not that long, we could do it. One more thing. I promise you that if you can make your little heart beat for 9 months, and grow your little body for 9 months, I will nourish you for 9 months, and I will love you forever. I don't know if its my fault why everything happened, I know that it might not be, but as your mommy I have to put a little bit of blame onto myself. I love you, I love you, I love you.

    Love,
    Your Future Mommy

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    Posted by ME at 9:05 PM

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    9/7/07

    Yay, my baby is finally on a normal sleep schedule kinda. He goes down at 8 pm and he gets up at 9 am. This is what we have been trying to do for soooo long, and it seems like once he turned 1 it all just fell into place. WaaaaahhhhH!!!! My baby boy is all grown up. Ber told me that her little Chancey-Whancey is in school now and I feel like I'm an old lady. I feel sad, and nauseous, and sleepy. Tomorrow is the procedure and I am having such a struggle in my heart over it. I'm gonna go to bed now...good night

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    Posted by ME at 9:01 PM

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    Thursday, September 6, 2007

    hmmmmm

    Ber is on a date...I wish she was home so I could talk to her. I'm scared and nervous about Saturday. I hope she has fun with Meagan...That chick better be worth it.

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    Posted by ME at 8:45 PM

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    Wednesday, September 5, 2007

    my journey

    Well, since I got the bad news about this pregnancy I have tried everything I could to assist my body in miscarrying. This has gotta be the hardest thing in the entire world, praying for a miscarriage. It feels so damn backwards. Well, I guess I promised I would entail my journey,, so I will. I don't think I will ever look back on this and want to hear about this again, but hey, u never know right??

    OK, I found a "recipe" for inducing a miscariage here and I started out the next day figuring out what I needed to do. Me, Husband and P went to the store and bought a bottle of vitamin c and some parsley and some aspirin. The "recipe" says that I need to start taking 6,000-10,000 mg of vitamin c (thats 12-20 vitamin c tablets) and 4 aspirin a day. I also have to start making a parsley infusion (thats like parsley
    tea) and drink that, and the wierdest part is that I have to then insert a fresh sprig
    of parsley up my hoohaa every 12 hours. I can tell this is gonna be strange before I
    even do it. Well, I do that for 3 days, and still nothing, all I want to do is feel better.
    The parsley infusion was the hardest damn thing to do because I am still very
    nauseous and gaggy over everything. This sucks. Well, I suppose I should tell you, all
    in all, it hasn't worked, and I am still "carrying a "baby" around in my body. I just
    want to get this whole ordeal over with. I have the procedure scheduled for Saturday
    at noon. I will let you know how it goes after it is all over, any questions....feel free to ask.

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    Posted by ME at 8:46 PM

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    Tuesday, September 4, 2007

    update

    Well, Well, Well.....
    What's new this week...

    ~My baby boy is 1
    ~ I'm not going to be having a baby
    ~Probably not for a long time

    Let me take a second to explain...

    My son turned 1 on September 1, 2007. I was happy but damn, this means my boy is really growing up, and there's no way to stop it. I love him so much its ridiculous, and for his 1st b-day I decided to engage in a long standing tradition and buy him a gold bracelet for his b-day. He's actually doing alot better with it then I thought he would, I guess thats one sign of being a big boy huh?

    I found out one day last week that my baby was no longer viable. The doctor's said that it had stopped forming at about 4-6 weeks. I think I'm ok with this, but now I have to go and have a procedure to remove the fetus since my body doesnt seem to want to expel the baby on its own, I guess its kinda strange, I don't want to let go of the thought that I could be a mommy again, and my body is holding on just as tight. It hurts to know this, but i guess I will be ok. I mean everything happens for a reason right?

    This whole baby thing has led me to rethink my child plans. I really want to be able to go back to school and do that whole thing, and I was trying to think about how I could do it all and be a good mommy. I think I'm gonna get some type of a long term bc. Kinda like mirena or something like that. I love my boy, but I cant put mybody through this again, especially if I am not ready.

    Other than that, I suppose life is ok. I have been really sad lately, and I guess its because f this whole baby thing and the hormones going crazy because it isnt a regular pregnancy, but I hate feeling like this, they also say that after the whole procedure this feeling may just get worse. I don't know if I can handle this. Well, I guess I'm gonna go get in the bed now. I feel crappy. I'll ttyl.

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    Posted by ME at 9:18 PM

    c0mments!
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