Monday, January 12, 2009

Atonement

Him: New rule, no more talking about the old "us"
Me: Why not? Does it bother you that much?
Him: Because I don't like to talk about things I wish never happened.
Me: What do you mean? You wish we never happened?
Him: Actually yes
Me: WTF?
Him: I consider those my dumber days and I wish I could have just skipped them.

Tonight
Me: Do you really consider the time we were together to be your dumber days...do you really wish they never happened...
Him: (talking around the truth)...well...i wouldn't quite say-
Me: don't try to clean it up...Just tell me straight
Him: yes.

wow...that hurt alot, I felt the ball in my throat, and it was so hard to try to continue a conversation around it. I kept swallowing, trying to blink back tears...you never want to be tol dthat it is because of you that a person wishes they had never lived through a certain part of life.

To him...I'm sorry you feel that way. I was going through alot back then, some of which you wouldn't believe if I told you. I cared alot...but I didn't know how to show it. I equated love with sex, and sex with pain, so I was all screwed up. At 16-18 you didn't have the tools to show me any different so I did what I thought was best. I did what I wanted to do and used you like those before you used me. Now I am healed. I am a woman, I understand what I did, and why you feel the way you do. I wish you didn't, but theres no use crying over spilled milk, the past is over now. You are one of my best friends and I thank you for being able to put the past behind you and accept me for what I have become, and not what I was. I love you now, I always will, but i can't say I always did...because I didn't know what love was, and for that...I'm sorry I lied.

To me...hold your head up. It's gonna get better

Posted by ME at 8:23 PM

c0mments!
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