Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Well hello, hello....
I have fallen off the wagon yet again. Life has been a little hectic, which of course it is apt to be. The last time I gave been here was last saturday. Nothing really exciting happened on Sunday. I did laundry... and then I can home and folded it and put it away...See...I told you...nothing exciting.
On monday, I did the same thing I always do. I woke up, I fed the baby, I typed on the computer for awhile, fed the baby again, put him to sleep, crocheted for awhile, fed the baby again, laid next to him so he wouldnt cry while he played on the bed, James came home, I watched tv with him, fed the baby again...and then I went to sleep......well ok...I know that is a very elementary way of describing my day, but its good enough for you.
Oh yeah...well I did one of the most difficult things in the world to do, I told my best friend that I wasnt happy with something that she did. It was reminiscent of a fight, but i love her and she loves me and so I felt comfortable talkking to her. Huh, what...you wanna know what it was...well, it was a webpage problem with the "business" we have been trying to start. I had designed a webpage and so had she, but we pretty much had no choice and we had to use hers. That was a little frustrating, but after I talked to her I felt alot better. We decided that we would use hers and I came to the conclusion that we would just use hers. I decided that if it had gone the other way then she would have felt the same way. Plus, I see that she is doing everything she can to keep me happy, and I guess thats all I can ask for. i really got lucky finding her when i did. I know she is reading this, and i want her to know that i love her very much. That was all that happened yesterday.
Now today is a whole different story. I have realized that me ignoring a part of who I am on a daily basis is really bothering me. My husband knows that i like women, but like most men he feels that if I were with a woman I would be cheating on him. I don't want to cheat on him at all, but I do wish i could have a woman to stroke that side of me. I miss the feminity of it all...I miss the delicatenes, the gentleness. I think that may be why I have stopped "needing" sex like I used to. Its not that I dont love my husband, or that I dont love it when he touches me, because when he touches me gently, I love it, I relish in it. But when I know that he is coming at me with that THING, thats when I tense up. I wish I didnt have to deal with the penetration. When he rubs his face on mine I hate it...It is always so rough. I wish it was just soft, gentle, naked. I love to kiss him, I love the way we kiss.........but I hate the fact that his facial hair tickles my nose when we kiss.....There are just so many things I wish I could change. I look at him and I just feel this overwhelming feeling of love. I just never want to have sex with him. I do understand that he is a man and that men have certain needs, and that me as his wife, it is my job to take care of these needs. Sometimes i venture into chatrooms, and I talk to women, I send them pictures and they send me pictures, and that placates me for a little while, but they dont understand when I tell them that I cant act on any of my feelingds. that i am happily married, but that I just need to hear a female voice late at night, That I want manicured fingers to touch me in my most special places. GRRRRRRR...even talking about it is frustrating...I guess i have to go now. My husband wants sex...
Posted by ME at 8:18 PM