Thursday, September 13, 2007

I can't think of a title.....PRO-ME!!!

When I was in high school I was a staunch pro-lifer..I believed that if you laid down and got pregnant then you had to deal with that, and you should give birth to the baby. It is your responsibility, and you shouldn't just be able to throw it away like yesterday's garbage. After talking with a few people I realized that its not always that cut and dry. Sometimes you are poor, sometimes you are in an abusive relationship, you know that if you brought this baby into the world you wouldn't be able to give it want it deserved, and that, above anything else, even killing your child for the sake of your personal life, would make you a horrible parent. While I was struggling with these facts in my own life, dealing with who's side I was on, dealing with all of this, I became pregnant. Still in high school, and not even sure who the father was. I was lonely and scared. Sick and immature. Getting ready to enter my senior year of high school, doing drugs and having sex, I was young, and at that point in my life, no matter how I want to think about it, or justify it, I would have made a horrible parent. I was still a child myself, doing grown up things, and while it looked fun, to have a baby, to have someone who would always love me, always be there, it sounded fun. I thought I was ready, and that i could do it. I started trying to hide it from my parents. I didn't tell them, only my boyfriend, the assumed father.

On a family trip, they found out. My dad, I guess looking into all of what I said before, and looking ahead a few years...made me get an abortion. I was so mad, I was hurt, and upset, but i did it. I laid down by myself on a cold hard table and let someone rip my baby from my body. They killed my first son or daughter. Somewhere, in a dumpster behind a planned parenthood, stuck to the side, is my son's older brother or sister. Why did i do it, is it because I was selfish, scared, a child, yes to all of the above. I don't remember much of what happened, and I guess they say that is a coping mechanism, to deal with what you don't want to, you forget about it. So I did that, I pushed it to the bottom, and I forgot about it. I vowed that it would never happen again. I vowed that I would never let someone take my baby again. And I didn't.

When I found out that i was pregnant with my son I was so scared, I was young, and in a new relationship. We had just celebrated our 1 year anniversary, and although I loved him, I wasn't sure I could bring a child into this. I did think about not keeping the baby. I never told anyone this(not even Husband), typed it or whatever, but when I found out I was pregnant and I asked James what he wanted to do, and if he wanted to keep the baby, he told me no. We decided to do what I vowed I would never do. I called to make the appointment, and when the woman started talking about how I understood all the risks associated with an abortion, and how I knew that it would mean the end of my pregnancy and death to the unborn fetus, I hung up. I cried. I cried to myself for hours. How could I do this again? How could I kill another baby? It was then that i decided that I couldn't. That I would keep this baby. When Husband got home from work I told him that, I told him that I would keep the baby with or without him, that I would raise this baby, and while it would be hard, and that i would definitely like it if he were with me to do it, that I understood that he didn't want the baby and that if he wanted to not be a part of the baby's life then I would be OK with that, as long as he signed over whatever parental responsibilities he had. He hugged me and kissed me and told me that we would do it together. 7 and a half months later I gave birth to our son, and while I understand that life would have been so much easier without him, it wouldn't be the same and it wouldn't be half as good.

Now you can imagine my surprise when I found out I was expecting yet again. My son hadn't even turned 1 yet, and I was about 2 months pregnant with the next one. I told Husband from the beginning that I would not consider having an abortion and that we would keep this baby. We went to the Dr's and there they told me that they didn't see a heartbeat, but that it was still early and that it could be so small that they could have just missed it. They told me to come back the next week and see the ultrasound doc. I did, and he told me with a stone face that my baby hadn't grown. they still didn't see a heartbeat, but that that didn't necessarily mean anything still, but the fact that my baby wasn't growing was a problem. They told me that I was basically miscarrying. I didn't know what to say. When I left there they probably thought that I didn't have feelings, I didn't cry, I didn't smile. I wasn't surprised, I didn't know what to say. They told me that they would recommend me giving my body a few days, at the most a week, and then if I hadn't miscarried by then that i would have to get an abortion. They also mentioned a D&C, but I was advised by my best friend to not get that. The problem was that insurance wouldn't cover what they called an "elective abortion." How is this elective, I thought, my baby is dead, its necessary. They told me that those were the rules, they didn't make them, only enforce them.

I went home and I waited 2 weeks. I took a vacation and celebrated my son's 1st birthday. I cried every night and woke up and was mommy all day. I guess this is where my feeling of loneliness started. I had no one who understood what I was feeling. Ber had gone through this also to a certain extent, but i felt like I had asked for it. God was punishing me. I had killed one child, and contemplated killing another, I guess he took it out of my hands and killed the third for me. i felt guilty. If only I had embraced each miracle when they happened, I wouldn't be putting myself through this. After my two weeks, with Dr's seriously advising me to have the baby removed, I made the appointment. I couldn't cry. If you cry they think you aren't sure and they won't make the appointment. I was sure, hell, I didn't have a choice.

**details of an abortion mentioned...If you don't want to know about it skip past this paragraph**

I went to the clinic on Saturday morning for my noon appointment. I sat in a room filled with women and girls of all different races and ages. Some were with their mothers, some were with their boyfriends, maybe some were with their husbands. As soon as I walked in they asked me if I was going to be awake or asleep. I told them awake. At already over $400 and with anesthesia costing even more, my bank decided I couldn't be put to sleep. I figured that would be OK. I never wanted to forget this. I felt like it was my punishment. I deserved it. We sat for about 4 and a half hours, being called back periodically to have my blood tested and my counseling session (apparently its required by the state of GA before an abortion). I also got an ultrasound. they made me sign something saying if I wanted to see the ultrasound picture,I checked yes, but once I was back there i decided against it. With the way I was feeling at this point, I wanted to see a bigger baby or a heartbeat so damn bad. I was sure I would just imagine it. I laid back, kinda like when i was pregnant with my son, I lifted my shirt, the tech never made eye contact with me, when she spoke to me, it was always with her back turned. We were in a small dark room, alone. When I was pregnant with my son it was a time of happiness, now it was a time of sorrow, sadness, no glee whatsoever. After she got done taking a few pics, she placed a tissue on my stomach and told me to "clean yourself up," I felt like the girl in the movies who had been used by the football team. Like I was nasty, dirty, filthy. Tears filled my eyes. I wiped off and asked her if that was it. She said yes and opened the door so I could go. I wiped my eyes and went back to sitting with my husband. After a few more hours of that, they finally called me back. Told me to get fully naked and to put on a gown and a hair covering. I did, and they escorted me back to another room with three girls in it. 15, 17and 27. They all knew this was what they wanted to do. they were so sure. The 17 year old said that this had ruined her relationship with her bf, he wanted the baby and he didn't. The 15 year old was talking about how her mom was ready to go and hungry and what she was gonna eat when she left. the 27 year old said that the guy she was with was her bf, but not the baby's father. She had been dating 2 men, and decided that she liked him more...she broke up with the other one only to find out that she was pregnant by him. Never did I hear the words, I don't want to do this. I'm scared. I just want to leave. I want to keep my baby. Where's the exit...All of these are what I was thinking. They asked me...Aren't you scared. You are gonna be awake. I was scared. I told them no. I was one of the older and I wanted to be strong, because the youngest 2, I could see myself in their eyes. It may sound weird, but i could see myself in them. Too young, doing what I shouldn't have been doing, scared, alone, but acting like I was strong. I wondered how many tears they had cried, how long they knew before they broke the frightening news to their moms. Did she cry. I wondered all of this, but I said nothing. I covered up, and let them talk among themselves, I turned to Dreamgirls. The nurse called them out one by one. Left me alone, again. I imagined my baby kicking, turning, moving, breathing, loving, kissing, crawling, walking, growing, and I cried. They called me back. Told me to lay on the table, put my legs in the stirrups, paged the Dr. He came in and rubbed my head. Told me to be strong. He said, you might feel a bit of cramping but you will be OK. The nurse told me that she was there for me, That if I needed to talk that she would be there, I could hold her hand if I needed to. I said OK. I wouldn't need her hand. I would be OK. I was a big girl, doing big girl things, making adult decisions, and I didn't need her hand. The Dr. inserted the speculum. He said, this is gonna be cold. wiped my cervix with beta dine. He asked me how I was doing, I told him OK. He asked about football. Told the nurse he wasn't a big sports man. Now back to me. He said, OK, this is gonna be a little pinch, I'm gonna insert the numbing medication. It hurt so bad. Like a big pinch, I knew it would be over soon. No turning back now. He took out the needle. Told me to breathe, I didn't even realize I had stopped. Inhale, exhale. He told me he had to insert it in the other side. I felt a pinch, burn, all the way to my butt...Inside. It hurt so bad. I moaned. The nurse rubbed my hand told me it would be OK. I breathed again. Instructions: Breathe, in and out, I'm going to open your cervix. Pain. Sooooooo bad, I have no words to explain it, I know it was worse than a contraction. I moaned, cried out, grabbed the nurse's hand. Once, twice, three four five times, I stopped counting, concentrated on my breathing. I was hurting. I was killing. Wait, I feel a kick. Maybe this isn't for me. I don't remember it hurting this bad before. I change my mind. Do-over. He stopped. I opened my eyes. bright lights. OK, in goes the vacuum. Pain, in my chest, in my uterus, in my stomach, cramps, sucking, twisting. I squeezed the nurses hand. Don't move. I cried. It hurt. I wanted Husband. Why can't he be with me? "I'll stop when I'm sure its all out sweetie, you are doing really good." Twisting, twisting, twisting, twisting, twisting, twisting, twisting, finally he turned the machine off. Sent the nurse to check something in another room..."You got it," she says when she comes back. The Dr helped me put my legs down, covered me with the blanket. "You did really good." After a few minutes they wheel me outta the room into another. I'm laying there, hurting, alone, crying. they ask me if I want some juice and crackers. I say sure. they lift my head, make me sit up. There is the 17 year old. Aubrianna. i don't know why I remember that. I remember thinking that it was a pretty name. Pretty name, pretty girl, poor thing. She asked me if it hurt. I nodded my head. screw being strong. I ate, I drank, got dressed. They sat me down, so you have a child already huh? Yeah, I'm still breastfeeding, please make sure the medication is safe. I killed one baby, want to keep the other one safe. YES, very safe. She gives me the prescription, tells me to take it easy, to be OK. I go to the car. Get my husband. He's annoyed. Asks me how I feel, I tell him like crap and close my eyes. Before I know it, I'm back home.

**end of abortion story, you can continue reading**
So now I've done it twice. Once my decision, once not. I regret both times. I wish it would have gone differently. I will never forget this, and I hope if you come across this page and you are thinking about whether or not you want an abortion, you won't either. I'm not being pro-life or pro-choice, I just want everyone to be more informed than I was. It's a big decision, and even if you don't experience the pain I felt before and during, we all experience the same pain afterwards, both emotional and physical. I love my son, and I know I could have loved more, I will when the time is right...just not right now. Now its time for me to go be a mommy. TTYL


Posted by ME at 9:58 AM