Tuesday, September 11, 2007

feelings...nothing more than feelings...

Life can get kinda depressing when you feel like you are against everything by yourself. I feel like every bit of pain and struggle, and everything I face, I am facing it all alone. I know I'm not alone, I mean, I have a husband who loves me and I know he loves me, and a best friend who says she will always be there for me. I have a mom that is my best friend, and a "group" of friends that are there for me. i guess i do have more than most, but for some reason it just still isnt enough to keep me happy.

Like I said, I know my husband loves me, but he spends every spare second he has in front of his game and that damn television set. I sometimes just wish I could take a sledge hammer to the whole damn set. He stays up all night, every waking minute, playing that damn game, and he comes to bed when he can barely hold his eyes open. We never have that healthy-couple cuddle talk time, because every time he hops into the bed its only to sleep. I try to mix it up, entice him in his land, on the sofa, he tells me to move out of the way or that I'm ignoring him. I feel like maybe he should be married to the game, and not to me. All I want is some time
with my husband and to not have to try to compete with something that isnt even alive. As I type this, he's laying next to me in the bed sound asleep only coming to be 5 minutes ago. Why am I even married. Why do I put up with it? Why don't I put my foot down? Because I don't know what else to do, I don't know how to make him change, and I don't want him to get so upset at me bullying him that he wants to leave. I just wish I had a husband and not a freakin throw pillow attached to a game controller. It's clear that I am sad. I don't try to hide it, I don't try to stop it. I heard somewhere that you shouldn't hide your feelings, so thats what I try not to do, but it is so hard sometimes. I tell him with tears in my eyes and sadness in my face that I am lonely, but he responds to that with his "ok's" and his "I'll be there soon." He comes to bed, and I guess you could say he does his part, I mean, he did play cards with me for all of 3 minutes, but what if I want more? What if I need more. I've started looking in strange places for friends, even connecting with an old flame who I could spend countless hours talking to. The sad thing is, as a married woman I shouldn't have to do that. When I get lonely
I should be able to turn to my husband. When I can no longer spend my days filled with the joys
of talking to a 12 month old, I should be able to call my husband and talk about his day. When I get to feeling this way, this sad, lonely, aching being...I should be able to turn to my husband and talk to him. The thing is, I can't. I turn to others, I turn to my blog, I turn to my ex, everywhere but the place I should be able to turn. I hope he reads this. I just want him to know, that his wife is sad. His wife needs something more than what hes giving her now, and that even though she doesn't know how to ask for it, that sometimes he needs to take a hint, and step up and be the man. That I need a companion, and a friend, and an ear, and a shoulder, and a lover, and a confidant, and a chatting buddy, and someone I can laugh with, and that he as my husband should try to be all of them. I want him to know that he said "I do" to me and not 99 nights, madden, tom clancy, nba 2k7, college football, or anything else, and that he needs to start acting like it. I know I've been rambling, but when I type through tears it gets like that. I know life isnt always perfect, but damnit...we can try can't we.

When I feel like I just really need someone to talk to, like most women, I just wish I could talk to my best friend. Sadly, she has been out all week having fun. She always tells me that she is there and that if I need to talk that I can talk to her, but its so much easier to say then do. I try to call her, and she's out, I try to talk to her on yahoo or msn, and shes out. For some reason I get like this whenever she gets someone new in her life, and its not that I want her to bbe unhappy, of course I want her to find the love that she deserves. But I need her too. I want her back. 1st Bekah, then Maegan. I wanted her back soooo bad from Bekah, that i was actually a little bit happy when I found out that Bekah was a total bitch...I just knew that I could then have her all to myself...Lo and behold though, Maegan came around. She seems to be a good match for her, and she seems to make her happy, but i just want my ber back. I want her to take 5 minutes out of her day and let me know that she is thinking about me, and that she is actually interested in my day and what has happened in my life. i don't know if it just a figment of my imagination or what, but i feel like since we had our babies, we have begun to separate. I just want Ber to know, that I love her and I miss her, but that I never want her to feel like she should sacrifice her own happiness for me....Just know that I am here...and my life hasn't been put on hold.

I guess this is just a rambling of me and y own pointless thoughts...I'm gonna talk to Chris and then go to sleep I guess.................TTYL


Posted by ME at 10:32 PM