Monday, April 30, 2007

A bit of history...

Hello to everyone:

Well, at the advice of my best friend I decided to take the next few hours and write in my blog. There has been so much going on in my life and sometimes you just get to a point where you don't know what to do. Well, I believe I have reached that point. I said that i was going to be writing for the next few hours because I have no idea where to start, or where this entry will go once i get there. So bear with me...and I'll try to keep it a coherent as possible.

First let me start by saying that i am happy with my life. I love my family and I could not have asked for a better situation. Everything isn't always easy, but I feel that its the struggle that makes it all worth it.

For as long as I can remember i was the chubby friend, the overweight buddy, or worse, the friend with the pretty face. in junior high i felt it was time to change that. I wanted the boys to notice me, and to talk to me the same way they did my svelte friends. The only problem is that my FAT GIRL self esteem wouldn't let that happen. I wanted to go see somebody (preferably one with a degree and a comfy couch) but my dad felt it was unnecessary. One day while watching TV someone said that the thing you need to do to get self esteem and to be happy is to fake it. The theory was that if you projected that image on the outside it will reflect to the inside. I thought, "OK, I can do that" so I began being "confident." I started talking to people. I made it my mission to talk to one new person a day. The only problem was, that being an intelligent black girl who was previously unpopular, was not "all the rage," I had very little friends to begin with, and after talking to the kids that I felt I could connect with (read:non-black), the others wanted nothing to do with me. I felt that was fine and picked up a few reputations, To the guys I became the girl they could talk to, still not the girlfriend, but I was OK with that. To the girls I became a snob, I was still OK with that...screw them. I finished out that year having had my 1st kiss with my crush, and being recognized in the yearbook as the biggest flirt, a title I was proud of...for you see, prior to that I would not have been caught dead talking to a boy. To maintain my air of pseudo-sexuality I began telling my friends that i was not a virgin. I mean hell, that made me cool, They began to look up to me, because after all, what is on a junior high girls mind more than sex and boys right??? I watched movies to get the hints that I told them, I went home and played with barbies. I finished out my junior high stint having a bunch of friends, a bunch of enemies, and one other thing, a reputation for being a ho. My mom told me one day that it was OK to have a reputation as a ho as long as i wasn't one, she said that I would be able to change their minds once I spoke to them. This turned out to not be true. It was sad, even the teachers thought this of me. I had one teacher I remember in particular, a Mrs. Balzer, a divorced childless lonely woman who felt the need to tell one of my friends that she shouldn't hang out with me anymore because she could "catch something." WTH...little did she know, I had just had my first kiss...BITCH!!!

After this incident and a few more like it I felt it was time to go ahead and do the deed. I mean hell, at this point I could get any boy I wanted right, because what do junior high boys think about more than sex and girls????? that's right...NOT A DAMN THING.....I lost my virginity one night. It took all of 3 minutes from kissing to putting our pants on, but it led to a lifetime of trouble. I graduated junior high school and found a whole new group of guys to talk to at the new school. There I became more interested in drugs, and drinking...and eventually sex. I slept with a few more guys than I should have and my reputation for being a ho became cemented. I began dating one guy who loved me more than anything in the world. I treated him horribly, which included sleeping with guys while we were dating. I know, I know, I was a bitch, but I did love him, I just didn't know how to keep friends unless I became a sexual being to them. This even stretched as far as my best friends boyfriends. I slept with two of them, we will call them Michael and Cody. i don't know why I did it, but i did. And to this day they still don't know. Maybe I will tell them, one before the other, but no time soon...I would hate to lose them as friends because of a stupid mistake I made in high school. Like I said earlier, I was really deep into smoking weed and alcohol, popping pills and having sex. Luckily I graduated from high school and was accepted into the college of my choice. I thought that moving away would be good for me.

So like I said, luckily I made it to college. I decided to move away. To the south no doubt because after all of these years...I still remained a chubby, thick, volumptuous, heavy-set (however you want to put it) girl. I knew that if there was one place where I could be accepted for my size was in the south, where the women are raised on fried chicken and cornbread. It was great. I became instantly popular (again) with the boys and was hated by the girls. This is another chapter in my life that I am unhappy with. I believe I was searching...searching for something, love, trust, companionship...someone to call my own in this unknown city. So again I began to relate with people on the one thing that I knew connected us I had "sexual encounters" with so many guys I honestly lost count. I call them encounters because I didn't have sex with all of them, some were long make out sessions, some were oral, manual, and some were in fact SEX...I remember that in my first month or so I sent an email to my best friend (at the time) telling her of all of my conquests. The list had to number at least 15. My boyfriend at the time (same one from high school) found that email and that led to my break up, I could have cared less, at the exact time we broke up I was walking downstairs to go meet a guy...One that I would eventually sleep with. Through out that time there were 3 serious guys. Sometimes they overlapped, sometimes I cheated on them with the various guys, but I still think about them all....All the time.

Things didn't change until I met James. I didn't like him in the least. I actually couldn't stand him, but as I stated earlier, the only was I knew to relate to him was we started sleeping together. It was good...but there was something else there. After wards he would hold me. Sometimes he would hold me without me even having to sleep with him. One day I felt myself falling in love with him. I had felt this before, but never without having sex with the guy every time. I knew then that he was a keeper. I decided that this was the man I was going to marry, and I think he felt the same way because we made it happen. I once read that true happiness is finding someone who knows all of your flaws and loves you anyway...This is him to a T. Everything I wrote here plus some more is what he knows...and yet he still loves me. Still chose me to give birth to his son, still chose me to make his wife. He goes to work everyday and works his ass off so that I can stay home with our son. He gets off work and goes to class so that in a few years he can give me and my son everything that we want.

I know that so many of you have read this and judged me for it, I know that you have written me off as being a ho, and a horrible woman and friend. And I can not blame you for doing so, I mean hell, I would have thought the same thing. But this just goes to show what a great guy I have in my life, so you will understand why I have done everything in my power to hold on to him. I know that I would be hard pressed to find another man who loves me unconditionally the way he does. I'm not perfect and he knows it, but he doesn't try to make me apologize for my imperfections, he doesn't try to make me into something that I am not, he just tells me that as long as I give him everything, he will do the same for me.

Recently my husband and I have been having some problems. That is the best way I know to describe it. I have begun feeling like I do not make him happy. He snaps at me, he yells at me, he ignores me. I know that he loves me, but the question is, does he like me. I sometimes think he doesn't. But then I come to my senses. Of course he does. He loves me and as he tells it, he loved me from the end of the 1st week we spent together. He is just stressed out, I mean, how could he not be? He is 21, works and goes to school, then comes home to have dinner with and spend time with his family. We are trying to buy a house, and he is trying to be the man that he knows he can and should be. This is in itself a miracle. There are so many men out there that would leave. That would decide that this isn't for them and they are all cowards. I am just so sorry that my best friend has encountered one of them. I wish I could clone my husband and send him out. I wish everyone could have one of these. I mean, I know that a man should not be rewarded for staying and taking care of his family (that's what hes supposed to be doing after all), but in a day and age such as this one, where it is the exception as opposed to the norm, i am very happy. I am happy to have found him, and to have made him love me as much as I love him, and I am even happier that I can understand with the help of an unwilling teacher exactly how to make him happy and how to hold his heart.

I once heard, after my ex made me cry,...that God sends us the jerks and assholes so that when a good guy finally comes along we will know, and be grateful. I just want everyone to know, that i do know, and that I am grateful.

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Posted by ME at 10:04 PM