Friday, July 27, 2007

This morning at about 9 am I got a call from my little brother saying that my grandfather passed away early this morning. I didnt want to believe it, I didnt want it to be true. I tried to remain calm, and not worry too much about it, but after anout an hour i got a call from my mom crying. I didnt even need to hear her say it, once I saw her name on my caller id I could just feel it in my stomach. When I heard her crying I couldnt stop myself. It hurts so much. I dont even know how to feel. I have only had one other peron die in my life, and it didnt hurt nearly as much. I cant even cry anymore. I cant let it hurt me. I just keep trying to think, that maybe he knew, that maybe its a good thing, but my own selfshness wont let me fully believe that. They said that he passed away in his sleep, that they went in to go get him this morning, and that was when they found him. Just typing that makes me hurt, i dont want to type that they found him dead, or that they found his body. That just seems so cruel to me. my grandfather was more than just a body, he was more than just alive. He was my grandfather. he was the man who raised me when my mom and my dad couldnt. I know he wasnt perfect, but luckily I have always been a little bit naive. I never quite know whats going on completely, and its no different with my grandfather. I prefer to only think of the good things that I could say about him.

I kinda knew it was coming, and I kinda knew that it was going to be soon, but I didnt know how much it would hurrt when it happened. I just want to sleep. My grandfather was never a hug and kiss type of guy, but we all knew that he loved us anyway. The last time I saw him I promised him that me and the baby would come to WV to see him, I dont want to go. I dont want to see him like that. I just want him to be alive again. I want him to be back. Its not supposed to hurt this much. Hes not supposed to be gone. I keep waiting for the call, the same one i got when they said my brother died. I keep waiting to get that call, but I dont think its coming. People keep getting to my moms house. They are all congregating like they do when someone died. For every person that gets there its like another teeny tiny little sword that gets stabbed into my heart. I dont know how to feel. I want to be happy. I dont know if I believe in God or heaven, but I know that wherever he is, hes ok.

I keep trying to force it to make sense in my head. I mean, my grandfather grew up in West Virginia, thats where his family was, and in the past few months, thats the only place he wanted to be. I just keep trying to think that maybe thats where he wanted to be. That maybe he knew, and he wanted to be where his mother and father, where his brothers and sisters, where everyone else he knew passed away. I know that in the past 30 years he has been alone for the most part. The only person that was there for him earlier on was Avis, whatever reason she left, I like to think that God, or whoever brought her back into his life because thats what he wanted. Thats who he wanted to be with. Even though we dont quite understand why he cared about her, or what made him open up his heart or his home, he did. And I prefer to think that he wanted her to be with him when he passed. I know that he died in his sleep, and thats how we would all want to go. i know that hes not in pain anymore. No more dialysis, no more insulin, no more medication, no more confusion, hes gone. But hopefully hes happy. Hopefully he sees that we all love him, and hopefully he knows that we all miss him. Hopefully He's with my Grandma, and he can be happy. I love you Grandpa, and I miss you already.

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Posted by ME at 8:47 AM