Monday, October 8, 2007

I think I'm gonna fall...

What should someone do when the find that they no longer feel the want or the need to talk to the people in their lives that they once considered good friends? When I get lonely it is when I feel the need to be near the friends that I ONCE considered near and dear. The problem comes when, at the times when I am feeling that I need to be close to these people, I realize just how much these people really care about me...and coincidentally, I realize that I don't need them in my life after all. For some reason it seems as though I am always getting rid of people in my life for one reason or another. It truly sucks to never be able to have that one person that you can call anytime just because. Me and my brother got into a huge argument and I basically wrote him out of my life, all things considered, I no longer have a brother/cousin named Deandre. In my mind you do not threaten me, my husband, or my son, and still get to maintain the luxury of being able to call yourself related to me. My cousin monique told me that I should bury the hatchet, that he has started playing football agian, and that if he gets rich and famous wouldn't I want a piece of it....I thought about it, and I decided that no, I don't want anything. I hope, and wish, and pray that if his dream is to go to the NFL that it comes true for him. I think of him as I would a stranger, I wish no ill will on him, but, if he were to die tomorrow, I would not cry. I stopped talking to my best cousin because of her alliance to him, it was not on purpose or anything, I just got tired f calling and hearing the "Deandre and me" stories. It is mighty hard to not care about someone you hear about constantly.
Then Ber starts going through her whole divorce. When a good friend gets divorced, it doesnt only affect them, during the whole melee, you basically feel like you are getting a divorce also. You get the calls at random hours when shit starts sinking in, you cry with them (maybe they don't hear you, but you cry) and for them, you get angry, but it sucks, cause while the recent divorcee can call the ex and cuss them out, you just have to be a good friend, not do anything that may cause conflict, especially if it includes posting things on their myspace pages. their life changes as does the life you once knew...Calls early in the morning, knowing one's schedule like it was your own, Seeing it all change and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Your life changes just as much, as does your friendship. There is no denying it, friendships change and evolve, as does everything else, and like everything else, if you cant hang, or you dont like the way something is changing, you, and your friendship will be left behind. So you try your best to evlove, even when things are happening that you don't quite agree with, you try so hard to maintain that same relationship, but you can't, because that friendship is gone, and in its place is a new one. Still is the friendship between mothers, that will never change, but in addition it has become a friendship between a married woman and a single woman, a lesbian and a wife, someone who constantly doubts herself and a woman who is so sure of what shes doing it is scary at times. These are the times when the true question of who your friend is comes out in the open. You try so hard to maintain that childish bond, but it is so hard, achingly hard at times, and yet, still so easy at others. How does one hold on to a friend or a friendship that is changing so much at a time that she needs nothing more than just a little stability?
In the past 6 months I have gone through more crap, than I had in the entire year preceeding it. First and second, the things with Amber and Deandre. After that, many starts and stops on my own journey through depression, reconnecting, losing, and reconnecting again with a very old friend, The almost real threat of a death followed very closely by a real death of the only real man I ever knew, an unwanted pregnancy, losing that unwanted pregnancy and then HAVING to go through the worst procedure and one I would only subject my worst enemies to, and wanting to die so many times in those months, and then wanting to live just as hard. All I want is for the world to stop spinning, just for one minute, let me get my feet planted firmly on the ground before it starts back up, I don't think they ever were to begin with.

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Posted by ME at 8:47 AM