Wednesday, January 14, 2009

dear you...

I am so tired of hearing you complain about your life. You have it good and you know you have it good, but then why won't you just shut the hell up about how sad you are and how you can't get over it. Everyone around you keeps complimenting about how your life is so complete and you are just eating it up. You have a loving son, are getting ready to have a baby girl, you have a husband who loves you more than anything in the world...and even a damn dog. You may not be a millionaire, but you and your husband don't worry about how you will pay the bills and still have money left over to have a little fun with. There are people in your life that love you so much and would help if you just asked (I mean one of them even "donated" a nice chunk of money to the cause...he he he) so why do you dwell on and cry about the one that doesn't.

You constantly complain that you don't have enough friends in your life, but when people around you annoy you, or treat you badly even just once in joking, you write them off forever. You have no problem with the forgive aspect, but you are like a damn elephant remembering every damn thing.

You put on a great facade in relation to who you are and who you want to be, but don't you know that people can always see through it. They see down to the self conscious little girl you are who gets her feelings hurt when her son reaches out to daddy instead of her after a long time apart. Stop faking it. Live your life, its the only one you have...love your family, get over your problems, and move on. Know that there are things you can change and things you can't, and learn to let go of the ones you can't. Stop smiling on the outside and crying on the inside, switch them around sometimes. Take what the people around you say and feel, and appreciate that you have people in your life that care enough to observe that you are here, and you are alive.

And most of all...

Posted by ME at 6:29 AM

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How much is enough?

How much money is enough to make you feel good on any given day. I am a stay at home mom and we are living on one "okay" income, so i have to admit, it doesn't take much for me to get geeked. If I find $5 in the bottom of an old purse I am so excited, and I might be happy all week. So today we got notice that we will be getting a check with a few 0's behind it in the next few days, plus im filing taxes early, so that should come not too far behind. This isn't working though. I'm still upset and stressed. I know we might have some left over after we close (if we do ever close) on this house, but it wont be much, and it really wont be enough to get ourselves out of our gaping hole of debt. Why is it that $5 will make me happy...but a few hundred just makes me dread waking up and having to deal with it. I feel like biggie and puff with this one...mo money, mo problems!!!

Posted by ME at 6:19 AM

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Monday, January 12, 2009

Atonement

Him: New rule, no more talking about the old "us"
Me: Why not? Does it bother you that much?
Him: Because I don't like to talk about things I wish never happened.
Me: What do you mean? You wish we never happened?
Him: Actually yes
Me: WTF?
Him: I consider those my dumber days and I wish I could have just skipped them.

Tonight
Me: Do you really consider the time we were together to be your dumber days...do you really wish they never happened...
Him: (talking around the truth)...well...i wouldn't quite say-
Me: don't try to clean it up...Just tell me straight
Him: yes.

wow...that hurt alot, I felt the ball in my throat, and it was so hard to try to continue a conversation around it. I kept swallowing, trying to blink back tears...you never want to be tol dthat it is because of you that a person wishes they had never lived through a certain part of life.

To him...I'm sorry you feel that way. I was going through alot back then, some of which you wouldn't believe if I told you. I cared alot...but I didn't know how to show it. I equated love with sex, and sex with pain, so I was all screwed up. At 16-18 you didn't have the tools to show me any different so I did what I thought was best. I did what I wanted to do and used you like those before you used me. Now I am healed. I am a woman, I understand what I did, and why you feel the way you do. I wish you didn't, but theres no use crying over spilled milk, the past is over now. You are one of my best friends and I thank you for being able to put the past behind you and accept me for what I have become, and not what I was. I love you now, I always will, but i can't say I always did...because I didn't know what love was, and for that...I'm sorry I lied.

To me...hold your head up. It's gonna get better

Posted by ME at 8:23 PM

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Thursday, December 18, 2008

I'm depressed...

Like, not in the clinical "I need medication and therapy" way or anything, but in the "I'm just really sad, and i don't know what to do to get myself out of this mood." way.

I feel like everything that I am trying to do is wrong. I try really hard to make every one around me happy and to make their lives better, but at the end of the day i feel like I am left empty. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, because I know I have a good life. We aren't rich, but we are happy, I am loved, and I am able to do things for my son that make his life better. I have so many things that other people around me could only wish for, including the ability to stay home with my son so I don't have to leave him with anyone else, but for some reason I can't just dwell on those things. I can't force myself to smile when thinking about how i am lucky.

I don't know if its pregnancy hormones, or what, but every time I sit and think about it, I just want to cry. My health, and the health of my baby may be in danger. My mood and energy, and its impact on my son are clearly visible. We are trying to buy a house, and we have the money I guess, but it just never seems like its enough. I talk to my husband about it and tell him that i will just get a job and put my son in daycare, and he tells me no, that its not in our plans, but I cant feel anything but guilt when I have to call my mom and ask her for money to make our dream come true. I have no one in my life that I can just call and cry to. Everyone is in a worse positin than i am. How am I supposed to call and talk to you about my home-buying problems, or my stay at home comcerns when you are struggling to just make ends meet. this is what I mean. I am so blessed, and so lucky, and so secure that I feel bad complaining about it, and feeling bad about that doesnt do anything for my bad mood already. Sorry I've been babbling, I just don't know what else to do but pull the blanket over my head and cry...and I like to leave that up to my two year old son.

Posted by ME at 8:52 AM

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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Pranks


hubby and I watched this video, and we thought it was hilarious. the background story is that the kid peeked at his presents the night before and the mom found out, she then unwrapped the game, took it out and put clothes in instead. The next morning this kid just knows he's getting an x-box...and lo and behold...lmao.

We were thinking of other things that would be hilarious in that box...since we are nerds...most of them are dumb...but i thought if you read this, then you are a nerd too...so you might get a kick outta them...

1. Yesterday's clothes...

2. a bunch of tv dinners

3. girl's socks or something else thats not even for him...like "oops, we accidentally put your name on that

4. A note from santa with an IOU:1 xbox

5. a bunch of packing peanuts

6. a christmas present from last year

7. college textbooks

This is what happens when you are pregnant, sleepy, and can't get drunk...oh the joys of motherhood....

Posted by ME at 1:18 PM

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My son may kill my new baby

Ok, as some of us know...I am having another baby.

Problem: My son is the typical spoiled only child

So I'm searching the internet and friends asking them all what should I do to try to get him ready for the new baby...

Solution 1: Start telling him its "his" baby. Get him excited to have a baby so that when the baby does come, he will be too excited that the baby is here to notice that he's really jealous.

---This is cool, my son took to this for like a week. He would get excited when we talked about his baby, but then every baby became his baby. He would randomly walk up to people's kids in the mall and start touching them all in the face. Now I am an over protective mom, and i couldn't blame these moms when they looked at me like "get your son, cause he's finna get kicked" cause I would have thought the same thing. So...needless to say...i have to find another solution...

Soultion 2: We got a teddy bear for my son that he can call his baby. This way, when mom is dealing with the real baby, he can deal with his baby.

---Maybe we should have waited to give it to him later, but my son is one of those kids whoo doesnt want what he has if you have something cooler, so we gave it to him right before thanksgiving. He was doing good with it, until my mom told us it was a baby doll...and my hubby got all self conscious. he started showing my son how to wrestle with the bear, and kick it across the room to seem manly...so...needless to say, that may not work, unless we get the baby a very good baby helmet...

Any other suggestions? My son is demanding, spoiled, and mine and my husband's baby. He's a momma's boy and daddy's boy..and he wants so much attention from everyone that he wont even let me and the hubby touch. lol. oh well, maybe we can just keep him in a nice 2 year old sized cage...what do you think?????

**note** the cage comment was a joke..i will never keep my son in a cage...at least not until he is a teemager and brings home his first hoochie talkin bout "mom, this is champagne. she's my girlfriend...then it will be to the cage son!!! **note**

Posted by ME at 12:58 PM

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Saturday, December 13, 2008

Go win an AVON bag...I'm tellin you, its cute!!!

I just stopped over at a blog I stalk often...Tanyetta's at Days Like These...now let me tell you, this woman is where i want to be...free trips to disneyland...throwing balls through holes on ellen...great mommy to a cute little boy and wife to a gorgeous husband...and mom to a daughter i would kick it with...hey, shes 21...not too young to kick it...and now....

She is holding this awesome giveaway for these two cute as he** bags...I'm sure they must have sent her three, cause Tanyetta has got to be keeping one for herself. I mean, I'm looking at these bags and thinking, i can have a new baby, and not have to carry one of those cutesy baby diaper bags around...I can surely use those pockets to hold a few binkies, wipes, and diapers. What, did you forget that I am a mom, and mom's stuff can't just be cute, it has to be functional too. Like my mom says...EVERYTHING HAS GOT TO HAVE TWO PURPOSES!! Anyway...you should stop on over to her blog to check out the bags, cause even though i could just put the pic here...you wont get the full effect until you also see that she is stuffing it full of lovely goodies.

Posted by ME at 8:08 PM

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Friday, December 12, 2008

Dear you...

I miss you, a lot...and it was nice hearing your voice. I know my email may have seemed weird coming when it did, but I'd been thinking about you a lot, and when i told my hubby how much i missed you, he told me that i should send you a final e-mail to say goodbye..that's what that was, but that phone call recently, screwed me up. I cant stop thinking about you, and i wish i could remember why we are where we are in the first place. Its strange that when i think of you i get about 500 different emotions, but i guess that's what history does to you. Just last night I told my friend that we weren't talking anymore, and she said "again, you two keep going back and forth," and i realized, as i tried to justify why we were mad at each other, that she was right, we go through months of not talking, and then we are back again, inseparable. i know that you will probably never read this, and you probably dont even care whats going on in my head, thats the main difference between us...i care, you never do, but i want you to know that even though we may never become what movies say we should, i do love you, i do miss you, and i do think about you...every...damn...day!!!!

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Posted by ME at 7:08 PM

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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Update #1,267,847,895,678

I know my posts have been super spoadic...its cause im busy, but this means that all of my bloggerville followers, yeah...all one of you, have been left in the dark. Well, let me begin at the most exciting...

1. I'm expecting...no, not a christmas present...i mean really expecting. I'm pregnant...and I'm excited. My baby is due on April 24th, and we just found out on Friday that its a girl. I'm excited about that (cause what person doesnt want a little boy and a little girl...I get one of each), but after thinking about it and watching him play, I wanted a little boy for my little boy. I know it may sound weird that i want to have a baby for my baby, but, i could just see them, the brothers...!!! the boys! oh well, he will just have to make due (sp??) with his little sister.

2. We moved, no, not into our dream house, we didnt get it...(thanks dan greenburg, worst loan officer in the history of the planet...who has since gone on to IT work). But no biggie. We moved into an apartment in the city that I want to live in...out of the ghetto..and into the ...suburbs?? Oh well, i dont know. but no break-ins, no crack pipes, no loud music and negros hanging outside drinking 40's all day and night...and best of all, no bullet holes in my windows...!!!!!!!

3. I cooked my 1st thinksgiving dinner, everyione who knows me in real life, knows that the chikin dont cook (oh yeah, everyone who knows me in the real world knows that i refer to myself as "chikin" and yes, i know the correct spelling is chicken...but what self respecting woman is gonna call herself chicken..? get real and get used to it). The ham was good, the turkey wings were ok, the dressing was good (but made by my MIL...he he he) and the macaroni and cheese was just embarrassing. ha ha ha...never get a mac and cheese recipe from the net, and never add onions to it...it was nasty!!!

I think thats it for now. I'm not gonna make any promises as to my appearance, but i will tell youif i feel the need to post something, i will, and if i dont, well, then i wont. Luv you all, and peace out!!

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Posted by ME at 6:57 PM

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Sunday, December 7, 2008

because I havent been here in a while

And I thought this was kinda cute...You are supposed to bold the ones that you have done...i stole this from a blog I follow silently...written by Rashan

1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.

3. Played in a band.
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain--Kinda

9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

I would like to do all of these one day, but for now i've got to settle with having only done 35 out of 99...

Posted by ME at 9:21 AM

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Monday, November 24, 2008

"Honey..Honey"...

Is what I hear coming from my son's room this morning...Why you ask? well...when ever we are in a store (read: wal-mart or kroger) and I can't find my husband I start calling out "Honey...honey". Well recently I noticed that when my husband is nowhere to be found, my son also starts calling out "honey...honey". So this morning, from bed, my baby boy wanted his daddy...so he started calling his honey...his daddy. I hope I will remember this forever!!!

Posted by ME at 7:57 AM

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Saturday, October 11, 2008

Finally...I am back...

No internet and no computer make Me go crazy!!!!!!!

Posted by ME at 7:19 PM

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