Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Another friendship...?

Why do I adjust who I am and what I want for the needs of others? Why do I ignore my own happiness for the sake of others? Why do I put my family on the line to help people feel better of about the dissolvement of theirs?

Over the past few months I have been talking to a friend, whose marriage, unlike mine, has begun to dissolve. I felt really bad for him at first and figured that I would talk to him, after years of not talking, because at a hard time in someone's life, they always need someone to talk to. After a while I started remembering why we became such good friends back in the day. I realized that i actually liked talking to him, and my long days were no longer filled with so much loneliness because we would stay on the phone for hours. After awhile we began talking about very personal things, life, love, and happiness, and how we felt that both of our lives were lacking at least one of those. Our friendship was cemented upon that fact and the love that we had for eachother. After awhile I suppose our friendship was getting too strong. It scared me and delighted me all at the same time. While I know it was wrong of me to strike up a close friendship with a man who was not my husband, it just felt so damn good to have someone in my life that I knew loved me, WANTED to talk to me, and spend time on the phone with me, and tell me wonderful things about myself. I am also pretty sure that the support and company he gave me at the time was probably only setting to further the divide that I was finding between my husband and myself.

This friends of mine however is a very judgemental and sensitive person. and I felt myself pissing him off alot. I always seemed to be begging him to talk to me, to make me happy, and I gave up my dignity more than once in the past few months just to have someone to talk to me and make me feel like I was worth something. Last night somehow I did the same thing I always do. I made him mad and I still have no idea what the hell I did. He has refused to talk to me all day and I decided that this time would be different. I will not call him. I will not beg him back just so I can know that someone in my life actually cares how i feel. I will not call him. I will leave it up to him. If he wants me in his life then he will come back, and he will say so...

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Posted by ME at 1:07 PM