Thursday, May 31, 2007
Your Mom Doesn't Love You
We as parents have but one major responsibility under which all others fall. It is our responsibility to prepare our children to become responsible and respectable members of society. What this means basically is that during the 18 years that they are directly under our control we should do our absolute best to provide them with only the best. So why then, in my opinion, do many parents not do this? What am I talking about...NAMES
We have come a long way in our freedom when it comes to names. No longer are we stuck with names like Emily, William, and Maximilian, but we have moved on to various spellings, pronunciations, and origins. Names like Romeo, Muhammad, and Zoe are very common. My biggest concern however is why when we have such a wide range of wonderful and respectful names, do parents find the need to explore their own identity and Independence while giving their children the ONE thing that will stay with them for the rest of their lives.
Why are children being given nicknames as birth names. I have met a Willie, a Bobby, a Bill. Do parents not understand that those are all nicknames? A nickname is called a nickname for a reason, it is a shortened version of a person's given name. Now what if said person is never given a real name, but only a given name. It is customarily considered polite to introduce ones self to an elder, boss, or any other new meeting using the full name. Meaning that its probably considered rude to merely walk up to someone with your arm extended and state, "Hi, my name is Willie/Bobby/Tony/Billy/etc."
So I ask again, why did their mothers feel like it was OK to put their children in a perpetual state of rudeness? My personal theory is that their moms don't love them. I know that this may sound harsh, but what I mean is that, if we all know that its our job to arm our children with the best possible circumstances, then by naming their kids whatever comes to mind, or picking their names out of a scrabble letter bag they are taking that chance with their children's future. If they loved their kids then they would just write out the whole name to give their kids one less thing they had to fight for in this life. Instead of just leaving it at Will...add the illiam to the end. It will make a world of difference.
MY PEOPLE are responsible for this across the board. We give our daughters names like Aquanetta, Shanquinesha, and Uniqua; and our sons names like Marquan, LaTerrance, and Ariq. While it can't be denied that these are all beautiful names, they do not belong on our future CEO's, school teachers, Doctors, or Grandmothers. Instead these people are forced to take lower jobs, they are forced into professions where they are encouraged not to say their names, and even when they are in positions of higher power they are encouraged to ignore that name because of the stigmas that follow. It is common knowledge that both Oprah Winfrey and Condoleeza Rice were given two of these "not-so-desirable" names as middle names by their parents, and once they made it into higher company they both had their middle names changed. Oprah to her best friend's name, Gail, and Condoleeza Rice to her father's name. While many African-Americans with these names have succeeded, as long as racism exists, people with these "ghetto" names on their resumes will have an uphill battle. I just wish our parents had thought of that.
I want everyone to know that I am not merely speaking as someone on a whole name-bashing kick, but as a fellow member of the club. My own mother thought it would be cute to give me a "silent H" as she calls it. Thanks mom...ttyl
Posted by ME at 2:31 PM
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Wednesday, May 30, 2007
The Man in the Glass
Wow, I went to my Cousin-in-law's (is that right, lol) high school graduation tonight. It was very nice, much larger than my graduating class. A very large 329. Wow. The most remarkable thing about the whole evening is that I couldn't stop thinking about my own high school graduation. It happened only four short years ago, but so much has changed. It is very strange. I wonder where those people will be in four years. 
I wonder how many will be married, how many will have children, and how many will be trying to buy a new house? Will they be happy? If only they could see what road lies ahead. What choices will they make differently, what choices will remain the same?
Will they be happy in the end with what they have become, will they be happy in the road they chose to get there? The valedictorian said it best when she quoted a poem called "The Guy in the Glass." She said,
"You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years, and get pats on the back as you pass, but your final seconds will be heartache and tears, if you've cheated the man in the glass."
I don't think she could have said it better. Look back at your high school graduation. All in all, would the man in the glass be proud or disappointed in what you have become? I will gracefully decline to answer. ttyl!!!
Labels: confessions
Posted by ME at 11:33 PM
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Tuesday, May 29, 2007
My body, my house are in ruins
Well, today is Tuesday, and I am missing all of my shows. I was visited by that most hated of aunts on Sunday and I think I may be dying. Sucks huh? I had actually forgotten what it feels like to be a woman thanks to 9 months of pregnancy, and breastfeeding for 8 months. But now that sad, sad realization has come back to slap me in the face. And it sucks. I can't call in to work sick due to feminine problems, because I am already at home, and my lovable offspring thinks that its oh so hilarious to not only kick mommy in the stomach, but also to punch, head butt, and climb over her. It sucks, but woe is life with a baby.
The highlight of the evening was watching the season finale of one of my favorite shows. HOUSE. He freakin rocks. But I really going to miss it. Last week was the BONES finale, so now I don't know what I am going to watch. Both of those shows offered Husband and myself to spend time together cuddling on the sofa. O more of that I guess... Husband asked me what if us making P watch House all the time was going to make him grow up to be a hated Dr. Lol. I guess there are worse things that he could grow up to be...much worse!!!
Labels: confessions
Posted by ME at 11:21 PM
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Monday, May 28, 2007
How much longer will he be my baby??
Oh my god...My baby has another beginning of a tooth. He was very fussy all weekend, and now he has another one. This brings the overall teeth count to two. Two full and luxurious teeth and less than a week apart. My baby is growing so fast. Well, I refuse to waste away my sons youth writing this. I will go and revel in his baby soft bottom and his baby soft smell. ttyl.
Labels: Mommy-hood
Posted by ME at 1:50 PM
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Sunday, May 27, 2007
I missed you
Hey everyone, its been a few days. Life has been fun, first, Ill go back in time a bit, The last time I wrote was on Wednesday. I don't think much happened on Thursday. That's why I didn't write. I know, I know, I broke the rules. But it is so boring to waste your life writing about how boring your life is...look, aren't you bored??
Friday was the day. My husband and I got into a huge argument about an overheard conversation. He heard me talking to a friend the night before about another friend, and instead of talking to me, he decided to hold it all inside and bottle it up. This led to him sleeping on the sofa on Thursday night. Other than just talking to me when I called he was quiet and unresponsive. He chose to talk by text message, and sometime in the conversation he said that he was thinking about leaving me. This hurt like nothing else have ever felt. I had been thinking that he hasn't been happy for awhile, and that this apparently was the final straw.
I couldn't take it. I realized at that moment that I cannot live without this man. He is the first man to show me what love is, and ultimately the first and last man I can honestly say I love you to. He is my sun, my moon, and my stars. I do everything in my life for him and my son, and I couldn't imagine my life without the two of them.
We spoke, and I told him all of this through tears and sobs. I explained the situation to him, and he explained his feelings to me. We made up as much a you can and I suppose he decided against leaving me. Good for me.
Once he got home we "made up" again, and he told me that he loved me and that he would love me forever. I understand this, and that I hurt him, but I cant just let it out of my mind that for even a split second he wanted to leave me. Like I said, I know that I hurt him, and maybe he was just trying to show me how it felt. How he felt but the fact that he could just say that to me is what hurt me the most. I love this man, and would bet my bottom dollar that he loved me the same, but that one sentence, when I asked him if he was going to leave and he replied with an "I don't know, maybe", I felt my whole world crush down around me.
I have since devoted my time to making him happy. I just want him to be happy, I always want him to smile, never frown. He is my moon, and I am his world. and I want it to stay that way forever.
Posted by ME at 12:35 PM
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Wednesday, May 23, 2007
money money money
Yay, I hit the $5.00 mark on my Google AdSense today. I need money. I have been trying to make money. Check the blog http://jhericayounge.blogspot.com for my monetary exports. James started his blog and got his game today after work, so our day was basically nonexistent. His blog looks very nice, and I designed it, but then he told me that he didn't want it to be basketball centered but +hen on sports. Why do the people I love keep doing this to me? First Amber and the web page...and then now James and the damn blog. Do they not understand that it is not easy to just pull a blog out of thin air, or a web page design at that. I guess I will never be completely valued for my time, effort, and work because I am a stay at home mom. Well, good luck to me I guess.
I spoke to my ex boyfriend today. Why is it that when we were together he didn't value me enough to try to make it work, but now, when we are hundreds of miles away, and I am happily married he thinks its the perfect time to come back and tell me that he loves me. Oh freakin well...maybe i will tell you people out there what happened between us one day, but not now. I am sleepy, and I am going to sleep...good night. ttyl.
Posted by ME at 11:30 PM
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Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Amixedupandjumbledbitofemotions
wow,Idon'tknowhowtofeelrightnnow,mybestfriendjusttoldmeahugebitofinformation.IhavewrittenaboutthisBeckybefore,butIneverfeltasthreatenedasIdonow.IloveherlikeIhaveneverlovedanyoneelse.Likeshewasmysister.ThisBeckychickcameinandifeltabitthreatened,butnotenoughtoreallygetworried,shealwaystoldmethatBeckywasjustannoyingandthatwhenevershewantedtohangupBeckyneverdid.ShealwaysmadeitseemlikeBeckywasholdingherhostage,likeshewasrobbingbanks,andtakingheralongfortheride.NowIamfindingoutthatnotonlywassheahostaealongfortheride,shewouldgetinthecarwillingly,buckletheseatbelt,andreadthemap.
AlotofyoumaywonderwhatthehellIamtalkingabout,buttoanyonewhohastoaskthatquestion,thispostisnotforyou,onlyforthosewhoknowwhatitmeans...me,her...andperhapstheother.Ihaveletoutmyemotionsforheralittlebitbefore.Ithinksheisabeautifulwoman,shehasawonderfulheart,andabeautifulsoul.Ithinksheistrulybeautifulinsideandout.Asamatteroffact,Ihaveoftenfoundmyselfthinkingaboutherlateatnight.Ioncepostedthatshewassooooonotmytype,anditreallybotheredher,thethingisthatitwasnttrue.Sheisntmytype,Ididntlieaboutthat,butthatdoesntmeanthatiwouldntlovetolienexttoher,whenshewasgoingthrougheverythingwithherassofahusband,iwantedtobethertoholdher.IhadtolistentoherconstantlytalkaboutotherwomenandIhadtojustholdmytongue.Itjustseemedthatonebyonethesewomenalwaysjustfizzledoutofherlife,andlo,Iwastheoneconstantthatremained.IloveherandIwanttobethereforherwhennooneelsewill.ButhowdoIswallowmyjealousfeelingstowardherandthisotherwoman,whenIdon'tevenknowexactlywhatitisthatIamfeeling?
IguessIshouldjustbehappywithoutfriendlyfriendship,andgetovermyowninsecurities.IshouldbehappythatwheneverBeckyfizzlesoutofherlife,whichsheisboundto,thatIwillstillbethere.Iguessmytruefeelingscomefromknowingthatsheliedtomeforsolong,thatshetoldmethathisgirlwassounimportanttoherthatIreallyhadnothingtoworryabout,yetandstill,theyplannedtolivetogether,theyplannedtotalktogetherallnight,andnow,theyplantosleeptogether.Iamsoconfused,andhurt,andbetrayed,andupset,andetc...thatIjustdon'tknowwhattodoaboutit...
Labels: Ber, confessions
Posted by ME at 8:11 PM
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Monday, May 21, 2007
My son's new.........development
my husband was playing with P earlier and he said that P bit him, he said that it really hurt. I said, jokingly, that maybe he had a new tooth. I was really just joking, because after almost 9 months of no teeth in his mouth I had come to the realization that my boy would be resigned to a life of no teeth, meaning he would never eat an apple, be able to bite a cookie or any other "hard" foods. He had been doing OK thus far, perhaps my good luck would last.
Anyway, I regress, so he said that P had bit him and that it really hurt. I told him to check in his mouth and feel for a tooth, he said he didn't feel one and that p was just a hard biter ( he is, believe me). Like I said, I didn't mind because he must be a slow teether. Not a big deal.
So fast forward a few hours, and we are all laying in the bed. I reached in to his mouth, and lo and behold, I feel a sharp little nub. How could daddy have missed that? I was so excited. He and I had a little tooth party. YAY!! My baby boy is growing up so fast. I am so happy, yet so sad. I know that he will grow up and be big and strong, and I keep looking forward to these little milestones, because then I know that he is developing and growing and that he is turning into a healthy boy. But there is still that little part of me that just wants my little baby from the hospital back. I want that baby that I could hold in my one arm.
Growth and growing is a natural and necessary part of life. I know that it has to happen and I am so happy when it does. But then, can someone please explain to me why does it hurt so much? I love my son, big boy or little boy. The problem with that is that no matter what happens I can never have my little baby back. He will just keep getting bigger and bigger until he goes to kindergarten, then high school, then college. WOW, I guess this is what they mean when they say to treasure everyday because it goes so fast. Well, I want to go hold my big boy now. I'll ttyl.
Labels: Mommy-hood
Posted by ME at 9:58 PM
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Just thought I'd share
My favorite poemPHENOMENAL WOMAN by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret liesI'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion sizeBut when I start to tell them They think I'm telling lies. I say It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hipsThe stride of my steps The curl of my lips. I'm a woman...Phenomenally Phenomenal womanThat's me.
I walk into a room Just as cool as you please And to a man The fellows standor Fall down on their knees Then they swarm around me A hive of honey bees. I say It's the fire in my eyes And the flash of my teeth The swing of my waist And the joy in my feet.I'm a woman...Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
Men themselves have wonderedWhat they see in me They try so muchBut they can't touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can't see. I say It's in the arch of my back The sun of my smile The ride of my breasts The grace of my style.I'm a woman...Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
Now you understand Just why my head's not bowedI don't shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud When you see me passing It ought to make you proud.I say It's in the click of my heelsThe bend of my hair The palm of my hand The need for my care.'Cause I'm a woman...Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
Posted by ME at 6:50 PM
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notes from a lovesick puppy...
Well, well, well...I have been writing these blogs much earlier than before just because I have found more time earlier in the day...yeah right...during nap time and what not. Well, last night my son thought it would be a good time to wake up in the middle of the night whining. He just whined and whined and whined. I didn't know what was wrong with him, and I was too sleepy to get up and really figure it out. Finally I got him to go to sleep, at like 7 this morning...When he woke up for good I found a huge turd in his diaper...I feel so bad, I wonder if that whining was because my little man was constipated and it hurt him, and both mommy and daddy are yelling at him telling him to go back to sleep...My poor baby boy.
Well, today is rather uneventful. All weekend we were busy cleaning up because the bug people were supposed to come in today and spray for bugs. Usually they come early in the morning, but not today...Here it is 3:27 pm, and they still haven't showed up. I swear, if we did all of that (took everything out of all of the cabinets) for nothing, then I will be highly upset. Grrrrr. I guess that if they don't come or say anything by Wednesday, I am putting everything back where it belongs. Which really sucks because there is a HUGE bug problem in this freakin apartment complex...and it gets worse with springtime...gross!!!
Well, I have a question for you people..
What do you do, when as a married woman you have a crush on someone else? Obviously, you ignore those feelings for the sake of your marriage. You decide that your husband and the life you have now is much better than anything that other person could ever give you...but what do you do when the very mention of that person's name makes your stomach flutter, when the sight of them makes you weak, and when you pray that every day you can talk to them for just a second just to get your kick? Does it heighten the danger factor when this other person constantly tells you how beautiful you are and when they talk about how they "feel" about you? Whether or not their felings are real is unimportant, because you know that your feelings are real. What do you do...What do you say...you know that you would never do anything to hurt your family, or jeopardize your situation, but your fantasies of this person sometimes override your general common sense. What do you do...do you just stop talking to them alltogether? What if you already did that, and it didnt work then, so why would it work now....? And whatif this person is also a friend...grrr...life is so confusing. But love is even more so...please help me!!!
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I walk into a room
Men themselves have wondered
Now you understand
notes from a lovesick puppy...
Well, well, well...I have been writing these blogs much earlier than before just because I have found more time earlier in the day...yeah right...during nap time and what not. Well, last night my son thought it would be a good time to wake up in the middle of the night whining. He just whined and whined and whined. I didn't know what was wrong with him, and I was too sleepy to get up and really figure it out. Finally I got him to go to sleep, at like 7 this morning...When he woke up for good I found a huge turd in his diaper...I feel so bad, I wonder if that whining was because my little man was constipated and it hurt him, and both mommy and daddy are yelling at him telling him to go back to sleep...My poor baby boy.Well, today is rather uneventful. All weekend we were busy cleaning up because the bug people were supposed to come in today and spray for bugs. Usually they come early in the morning, but not today...Here it is 3:27 pm, and they still haven't showed up. I swear, if we did all of that (took everything out of all of the cabinets) for nothing, then I will be highly upset. Grrrrr. I guess that if they don't come or say anything by Wednesday, I am putting everything back where it belongs. Which really sucks because there is a HUGE bug problem in this freakin apartment complex...and it gets worse with springtime...gross!!!
Well, I have a question for you people..
What do you do, when as a married woman you have a crush on someone else? Obviously, you ignore those feelings for the sake of your marriage. You decide that your husband and the life you have now is much better than anything that other person could ever give you...but what do you do when the very mention of that person's name makes your stomach flutter, when the sight of them makes you weak, and when you pray that every day you can talk to them for just a second just to get your kick? Does it heighten the danger factor when this other person constantly tells you how beautiful you are and when they talk about how they "feel" about you? Whether or not their felings are real is unimportant, because you know that your feelings are real. What do you do...What do you say...you know that you would never do anything to hurt your family, or jeopardize your situation, but your fantasies of this person sometimes override your general common sense. What do you do...do you just stop talking to them alltogether? What if you already did that, and it didnt work then, so why would it work now....? And whatif this person is also a friend...grrr...life is so confusing. But love is even more so...please help me!!!
Labels: confessions, Mommy-hood
Posted by ME at 12:19 PM
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Sunday, May 20, 2007
my beautiful bouncing baby boy
Today I looked down at my son and I could feel nothing short of pride. I look at him watching his blues clues, not paying any attention to me or anything else in this world. When I was pregnant I was scared. I didn't know what kind of a child I would give birth to. When I was told that it was a boy I became terrified. Not only was I going to be responsible for raising a productive member of society, but I also have to raise a responsible black man. Their are millions of black baby boys who are born with a jail cell already waiting for them. I like to believe that my son was, instead born with a Harvard or Yale seat already named for him. The question then that follows is what mistakes did those other mommies make that landed their offspring in such an unfavorable situation? And more importantly what can I do to avoid that certain predicament?
I wonder on a daily basis just how many women feel the same way I do. How many women not only wonder what their children will become when they grow up, whether or not they can be president....but also whether or not they will even be able to vote for president. I want to be secure in knowing that I am raising a great man. And if his daddy is any measure of the type of man he will be.....then I am in a good position.
Labels: confessions, Mommy-hood
Posted by ME at 7:25 PM
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Saturday, May 19, 2007
I hope this works
well, Here I go trying to write from my phone again. I am in the bed with my son and my husband. they both look so peaceful when they sleep. no problems, no crying, no fighting. Life is good when the world is quiet. Life is peaceful. I am loving it. Now, please don't take this as the rambling of a maniac, just a sleepy mommy and wife who is glad to get a break. I want so bad to go to sleep myself, but I know that it is around the time that they wake up. I know once I close my eyes they will start moving. They will wake up and they will want something from me.
It is the story of my life. When they are peaceful, I am not, and when I am peaceful, they are chaotically agitated. Oh well, I love them, chaotic or not. And every night I take my chances. As I will now. Good night World, or rather......Good Morning.
Posted by ME at 3:18 AM
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Friday, May 18, 2007
...
Hello, hello, hello...I am still taking out these damn braids and now not only do my hands hurt, but my back hurts, my necks hurts, my arms hurt, everything hurts. I have nothing to write, but per my agreement, I have to write...so here it is...I was forced to write, and you were forced to read. Now we are both miserable.
Posted by ME at 1:24 AM
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Thursday, May 17, 2007
The lion and the bees.
Wow, so this will not be a long blog at all. My hands are so tired and my boy is grumpy...why you ask??? Because I have been working for at least 7 hours to take these damn braids out of my head. Luckily, I am almost done.....with half of my head :(
It is so hard being a black woman...I know that as soon as I get done with this I have to go put a lye mixture on my skin and let it sit for at least 15-20 minutes...For those of you that dont know, lye is an acid...and it burns if you dont do it just right. Some of you may be wondering WTF??? But not my sistas. They know whats up, in the white commmunity it is called a relaxer, or a teturizer, but in the black community it is simply a perm. I already went through more than 10 hours of having someone pulling and tugging at every hair follicle in my head to make me look presentable and to make it grow, and here i am, taking them all out, careful to not rip the hair out of my head, while the muscles in my arm die and my neck gets a crick. As stated before, It is hard to be a black woman.
I am so happy for this very reason that i have had a son. When he gets to be a certain age, I can cut it all off, and just let him marinate in his baldness....unless my mom has anything to say about it. She insists that I should just let it grow out. Let my son get dreads. This would be all fine and dandy if not for a few things...
1. I don't know anyone who can do dreads nicely
2. Even if I did...hey...lets be real, I am dripping lye onto my own head because I cant afford to go into a shop...Please explain that one.
3. All of the little kids I have seen look horrible woth them...what little kid do you know that will sit quietly while someone plays in their hair.
See all of the reasons why it shouldnt happen...well...so far its a no...if i can find a cute kid that can be a spokesmodel for juvenile dreads, then ok.......well...i guess im going to bed now...im really sleepy and I knwo I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow taking out these damn braids...TTYL if my hands don't fall off first.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
The lion and the bees.
Wow, so this will not be a long blog at all. My hands are so tired and my boy is grumpy...why you ask??? Because I have been working for at least 7 hours to take these damn braids out of my head. Luckily, I am almost done.....with half of my head :(It is so hard being a black woman...I know that as soon as I get done with this I have to go put a lye mixture on my skin and let it sit for at least 15-20 minutes...For those of you that dont know, lye is an acid...and it burns if you dont do it just right. Some of you may be wondering WTF??? But not my sistas. They know whats up, in the white commmunity it is called a relaxer, or a teturizer, but in the black community it is simply a perm. I already went through more than 10 hours of having someone pulling and tugging at every hair follicle in my head to make me look presentable and to make it grow, and here i am, taking them all out, careful to not rip the hair out of my head, while the muscles in my arm die and my neck gets a crick. As stated before, It is hard to be a black woman.
I am so happy for this very reason that i have had a son. When he gets to be a certain age, I can cut it all off, and just let him marinate in his baldness....unless my mom has anything to say about it. She insists that I should just let it grow out. Let my son get dreads. This would be all fine and dandy if not for a few things...
1. I don't know anyone who can do dreads nicely
2. Even if I did...hey...lets be real, I am dripping lye onto my own head because I cant afford to go into a shop...Please explain that one.
3. All of the little kids I have seen look horrible woth them...what little kid do you know that will sit quietly while someone plays in their hair.
See all of the reasons why it shouldnt happen...well...so far its a no...if i can find a cute kid that can be a spokesmodel for juvenile dreads, then ok.......well...i guess im going to bed now...im really sleepy and I knwo I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow taking out these damn braids...TTYL if my hands don't fall off first.
Labels: confessions
Posted by ME at 9:59 PM
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Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Family and Friendship...I guess I have to choose one
Well, today was my husband's 22nd birthday, and it was rather uneventful. We spent the day on the phone until his phone died...and then he came home and we got into a small "disagreement" about who would change the baby. I lost...and then i made him take the baby so I could get a quick nap. I fell asleep and apparently so did the boy, and when we woke up it was time to go out for dinner. We went to this great all you can eat place where they have my 2 favorites, crab legs, and sushi. Sadly, today they only had the crab legs, and everyone seemed to be all over them. One the third batch I finally got some, and I must say, they were good. Then we got home, watched TV (cause I am so freakin sick of watching him play that damn game), nooked, and now, I am trying to write in the blog with the boy screaming... and he is...yep...you guessed it, hes playing that damn game. Well, one good thing about not having Internet or cable for the past few days is that we were able to really reconnect while actually having to sit next to each other, instead of being across the room trying to talk between words typed or levels won. I also beat the need for speed game...with his help of course.
On another note, I have been feeling super neglected. My bff has found herself a new bff. I know that sounds super high school, but its how I feel. When you already have issues with feeling needed and someone is truly your only friend, when they are taken away it is really hard to just go on with life. The time we talk has gotten less and less to the point where I had to get used to just not talking to her for a day or so. I think that I have gotten so comfortable with it now, and filled my life with other things to keep myself from getting that empty feeling, that when she does call me, I just don't really have the time for her, this has led to a bunch of "I'll call you backs" and anyone who knows me knows that I have a horrible memory. This has made her mad at me, and it has made me bitter that she is mad at me, so its not getting any better. Now while I do understand that this other woman needs her at this time in he life, we'll call her Becky. So Becky really needs her support right now because surprisingly they are going through the same things at about the same time. I know that when I was going through a lot of things my bff was there for me, and that just talking to her made me feel better, and for that reason I would feel selfish in asking her to stop talking to Becky when she is providing the same service to her. In another sense though, I just feel like I can't compare to Becky. They have a lot to talk about. She is the center of Becky's world, and I am just a bystander. They are even planning on moving in together. Already Becky has given her more gifts in their short amount of time talking, then I have in our entire friendship (technically, I think more than 6 years on and off). I just wonder should I just step down, step out of the picture and let him have each other. I feel like a jealous girlfriend always asking what they talked about and wanting to snub her when she evens mentions Becky's name. I know that the friendship that I can offer can not compare to the friendship that Becky can. The thing is...I would...I would step down and bow out gracefully, but I just cant. I love my bff, and I need her in my life. Rejuvenating our friendship after so long was like a cool glass of water on a hot summers day. I needed her at that time, and she stepped in, and my life hasn't been the same since. I know that this whole post may sound a little lezzyish, but hey, what can I say. One night we talked about how best friends can sometimes incur fantasies of long living relationships with the same sex. It may sound strange, but I could see that in my BFF. I am not attracted to her in the sense that she is soooooooo not my type, but I feel so comfortable with her that I could actually see something there. It would never happen though, for more than one reason, One, is stated above, and two, I wouldn't want to mess up what we have/had. So, back to my original idea...do you think I should just step down, step out and let them be happy? Should I just continue to be the by standing best friend, and just be there for her when she needs me, even though she can't always be there for me when I need her (because of her obligations to Becky? Or should I obey my selfish motives, and reclaim her all to myself? I just don't know what to do. I want my best friend back.
Perhaps I'll just pull a Bush, I'll strike when this Becky least expects it, maybe when shes in the loo or whatever, and come in and take my Bff back. This will however begin a long standing war with a more than worthy opponent and I am afraid I will end up like the Iraqis, Throwing rocks and stones, blowing myself up in doorways and buildings to show that I mean business. Becky will run into my town, burn my AMO (Bff initials) flag, and pull down my BFF statue in the middle of my city. This will inevitably cause the prices of oil to rise, and everyone will hate me even more than they did in the beginning. Well, maybe she wont know what she is fighting for...yeah right, one can only hope. Well, the boy has started crying, and my bed is calling...I'll ttyl. goodnight.
Labels: Ber, confessions, Family
Posted by ME at 6:59 PM
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Sunday, May 13, 2007
Happy Mother's Day
Well, this is my first official Mother's day. My last one, I suppose I was technically a mother, but I did not have a baby to prove it. I was about 22 weeks pregnant and just getting to the good part. My husband and i celebrated it as our first, but no one else acknowledged it. Now however, I am definitely a mom. Today a woman saw me taking p out of his carseat, and she told me happy mpthers day...YAY me. And this all to a woman, who less than a year ago was told I would never be able to have a baby. So for this post I just want to say happy mothers to all mothers, soon to be mothers, grandmothers, god-mothers, aunties, and other women who calls themself a mother. I love you all...
Labels: Family, Mommy-hood
Posted by ME at 10:06 PM
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Saturday, May 12, 2007
Why???
Hey everybody…I haven’t been able to get online for the past 2 days…and I still can’t, but I have been going through blog withdrawals…As hopefully everyone knows Sunday is mothers day, and yet another time for people to scramble out to stores and spend every penny of their money to get a present that is “sufficient” for their mothers. I was raised to appreciate my mom every day. She was a single black woman raising her own child and her sister’s two children. She had a good job, and she did everything she could for all three of us. She never showed us that it was necessary to “buy” her love. All of my life on mother’s day she and I spent time together. I would give her a card sometimes, and sometimes I wouldn’t. She raised us to believe that gifts and possessions were not very important. That we should never feel obligated to buy any one a present. Still to this day I believe that we should only buy presents for someone if we want to. This means, if it is the middle of September and I feel like I want to get my mom something, then I will, and in May if I don’t want to then I won’t. In my mind and heart I believe that a gift means nothing to the giver or receiver if the intentions of buying the gift are out of compulsion and not of feeling. This is where the saying, it’s the thought that counts, comes from. Because it isn’t the gift, or the price, or the day that you get the gift…It’s the thought that counts. It’s the fact that you thought about someone long enough to drive to the store, search for what you believe to be the perfect present, and stand in line to pick it out.
Now this brings me to the whole inspiration for this blog, my mother in law. On a normal day, she is compassionate, understanding, and generous, but when it comes to celebratory times, she becomes the epitome of greed and tackiness…, constantly asking “what did you get me?”…“what are you going to get me?”...This has lead to her son feeling unworthy, stressed, and in a perpetual state of unhappiness. Now from a 5 year old those statements are something that would be unacceptable, but you would sit them down, and explain to them that gift-giving times are not a time for greed, but what do you do when the person in question is 50?
This has happened every birthday, and holiday that I have spent with her, and I know that it isn’t a new thing…Just that last nights events irked me beyond question.
My husband and I decided to spend the evening with his grandmother, and apparently so did a few other family members. So, as usual, the women were left alone in the kitchen to talk (read: gossip). It’s me holding my son, my husband’s aunt, his grandmother, his mom and his other aunt. We are talking about something, or someone, and my husband comes inside to go to the bathroom. He remembers that we saw some digital cameras at Wal-mart that were on sale, and that she wanted one.
Husband (H): “Hey mom, did you still want another digital camera?”
Mom in law (M): “Well, since your daddy gave you the one I wanted then yeah I want another digital camera…WHY?” (Mind you, this woman has 3 already and his dad gave us the oldest one so we could take pictures of the baby.)
H: “Well we saw them at wal-mart and they were on sale up to 70% off. I meant to call you when we saw one, but I forgot.”
M: “Oh, well, I already have one on lay-a-way.”
H: “Oh, ok…well never mind then.” *chuckles*
M: “So I’m telling you now if that’s what you got me for mother’s day I don’t want it.”
ME: *speechless* just looking at her
M: “No I’m just joking (no she wasn’t) I’ll take whatever you get me…as long as you get me something…..so what did you get me?”
H: *smiles* “I can’t tell you.”
M: “well what you need to do is come over to my house and cook me dinner, but never mind because you can’t cook.”
Now, maybe I am the only person living in this capitalistic society that sees something wrong with that…but WTH??? If that’s what we got you then you don’t want it????? Well…good thing we didn’t get it for you then huh??? I actually had to bite my tongue, if I hadn’t I probably would have been shunned. Lol. Even if we had bought her a digital camera for mother's day, who the fuck is she to just blatantly tell us she doesn’t want it??? My husband and I are not rich, and good digital cameras don’t come cheap. We are trying to buy a house and live on one freakin income…and I’ll be damned if I would have bought that ungrateful bitch a digital camera just for her to tell me 2 nights before that If that’s what we got her then she doesn’t want it. If I would have had it my way, she wouldn’t have gotten a damn thing. I can promise you that. My husband looked so embarrassed. I feel his pain. He’s doing everything he can to stay above water right now with a new wife and baby, and yet and still his mother fails to forget that she is no longer the number one person in his life. I choose not to put any more stress on him, in making him choose between his mother and me, because as a mother I know that it is unfair to me, her and him.
Now, our original plan was to go out to the store, get her a card and some flowers, and my husband and his daddy were going to BBQ while she rested, before she went to the big mothers bash. As I said before, we ARE trying to buy a house. But because of her snotty ass comments last night he FELT THE NEED to buy her something. So today, we go out and spend $50 dollars to get her some candle holders and candles. Now it wouldn’t have been so bad, except, that $50 dollars was about 3/4of the money we had for the next two weeks, and included my husband’s b-day money (which is on Wednesday and she has already told him he isn’t getting anything for his b-day), and my mothers day money. Like I said…I am not a big gift person, but we had planned to go out to dinner next weekend to celebrate his b-day and my 1st mother’s day. Now that is cancelled… my husband has no money for his b-day and most likely we are going to have to ask my mom for gas money. Oh yeah…speaking of my mom…we weren’t able to get her anything either…no card, no nothing. Step mom either. SELFISH AND GREEDY.
Ok, I just needed to vent to some normal people. Let’s all remember to honor and cherish our mothers this mother’s day, and if you are a mother…use today to reflect on your attitude and expectations as a mother...and your mothering skills. Are you being the best mother you can? Are you teaching your child good values? Are you teaching them that the feeling of personal fulfillment or are you teaching them that your happiness is all that matters? Remember, being a good mom isn’t always all about having good kids, and having a little person to worship you… It’s also about raising responsible, respective members of society. GOOD LUCK………………
Oh yeah…and happy mother’s day.
Labels: Family
Posted by ME at 11:15 PM
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Thursday, May 10, 2007
I think I have termites.......
Recently I read a book called Don't make a black woman take off her earrings, by Tyler Perry. In it he speaks about people and their relationships with you. He says that people will come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It is up to you to determine which ones they are. he uses the metaphor of a tree (you are the trunk, and everyone is around you...I will paraphrase as best as I can without using the book:
He says that some people are like the leaves...You know they are there...
And you know that they will give you what you need (shade) when you
need it most...but in the end you will realize that they are only in your
life to take from you. And that as soon as it gets a little cold or rough they
are outta there.
And then there are the people that are like the branches. They are a little
bit more constant than the leaves...You can even put a little bit of trust
and responsibility in them. The thing with branches is that they give you
a false sense of security. They let you confide in them, trust them, lean
on them...but one day, when you least expect it, without any warning...
They break, leaving you vulnerable and incomplete.
Next you have your roots...Your roots are strong, they build the tree up,
they never take any nutrients from the tree, but put everything they have
into helping the tree grow taller and stronger. A tree can not live without
its roots, and a roots are unimportant without the tree. The roots don't
have to be seen...but everyone knows they are there...This is the person
who is thee for your no matter what. A best friend, a spouse, a parent...
Anyone who fills that description.
Labels: Ber, confessions
Posted by ME at 10:18 PM
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Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Is Love Enough???
Well well well...
Today's post is going to be in honor of the upcoming mother's day. We as adults are made complete by out children. We are made Parents...we are made mothers and fathers, and among other things, we are made protectors. That brings me to the question then of why do parents take it upon themselves to hurt their children. Many parents hurt the very children that they are put on this earth to protect. I am not writing about them, I am going to dedicate this post to those parents who try to keep their children safe, the parents who aim to please and do everything perfectly, and then by some huge mistake their child is hurt.
Many of you may have heard about the little infant in Georgia, Crown, whose parents were recently convicted of first degree murder for starving him to death. He arrived at the hospital at 6 weeks old and weighing only 3.5 lbs. the parents defense was that they were vegans and that they fed him soy based formulas. Apparently they fed him too little too late. I, as the minority, feel sorry for the parents.
I mean, lets say that what they said was the truth. lets for one day take a trip into their home, 2 relatively young parents, new baby, and they lived by their life choices. They loved their son, and they made what they felt to be the best decisions for him and his life. They fed him the formula that they felt was most conducive to their lives. They did not take him into the Dr when he started losing weight because they did not believe in common medicine.
It was a tragic event when this young baby boy died, for all involved. But just try to put yourself in their shoes. it makes you ask yourself the question, is love enough,. They loved their baby, they felt that they were doing what was best, and yet and still they killed him.
Or what about the little boy, Christopher Barrios, whose 6-year old life was taken from him by a family for 3 perverts and their next door neighbor. The father and son did unspeakable things to this child, while the mother watched and masturbated. ARE YOU SERIOUS????? Yet another mother who ultimately must feel like she did the right thing by her child, and convicted child molester after he abducted this little boy and brought him back to the house. She must have seen nothing more then her own son, a small child, bringing home a prize for the family to share.
I will choose not to dwell on that woman, as I feel like, even if she thought she was doing a good job (which I don't know how she could have), she knew right from wrong, and torturing this little boy for the final hours of his life with her disgusting perversions, was definitely wrong. That whole family should be sentenced to a punishment that fit the crime. Maybe not put to death. Perhaps sentenced to a daily anal raping by a large group of men who are HIV positive, but wear condoms. Then not only will they feel only a fraction of the pain this young boy felt, but they would pray for death both while the raping was taking place, and afterwards while they prayed for a rip in the condom...to end heir suffering. They should have much more done to them, but I digress... this post is not about punishment, this punishment is about mothers.
The last mother I want to write about, is the mother of this little boy. She, like most mothers did her best, she turned her back, let him out of her sight or whatever for mere moments, and this happened. She loved him, she begged for his life, she cried on national TV, and still...her son flies with angels now. I ask you again, is love enough???
Is love enough????? is it enough to keep your child safe, is it enough to keep him alive, is loving your child enough to justify your actions, even when you do something to hurt him.
YOU TELL ME!!!!!!
Now, what about the California mother, the one who loves her children, the one who would do nothing to hurt them. She may give them a quick swat on the bottom every now and then, but only to scare them, never to hurt them. This mother would go without so her children could have. She has problems of her own. But she smiles and remains strong for her children, her offspring...They have everything they need and 1/2 of what they want. They may be a little spoiled, but they have security. They know that if they cry she is on her way to swoop them up. And that if they cry loud enough, they will get what they want. Even at 3 am........
Now, what mother do you believe had the police called on her.....
mother 1???...the murderer
mother 2???... the molester
mother 3???... the enabler
Well, I'll tell you...It was the enabler. The last one. The mother that we would all deem as the "good mother." One child screams too loud at 3 am because of whatever 2 year olds scream about...and she has the cops called on her...she has CPS in her home, terrifying her, making her check her children for bumps and bruises, telling her that they will take her children away from her.
So...Is love enough...NO...love is not enough. Not in a backwards world where a child can be murdered by the people that love him, not in a world where a family tortures and murders a child for sexual purposes, not in a world where CPS is called on a good mother. We as mothers are not safe. At any time we could make a mistake that could hurt our child, or we could turn for a sec and lose our child forever, or we could do our best, and still not be enough. What are we as mothers to do??? i don't know...but as a mother...I am terrified.
Labels: confessions
Posted by ME at 8:09 PM
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Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Sexual Frustration
Well hello, hello....
I have fallen off the wagon yet again. Life has been a little hectic, which of course it is apt to be. The last time I gave been here was last saturday. Nothing really exciting happened on Sunday. I did laundry... and then I can home and folded it and put it away...See...I told you...nothing exciting.
On monday, I did the same thing I always do. I woke up, I fed the baby, I typed on the computer for awhile, fed the baby again, put him to sleep, crocheted for awhile, fed the baby again, laid next to him so he wouldnt cry while he played on the bed, James came home, I watched tv with him, fed the baby again...and then I went to sleep......well ok...I know that is a very elementary way of describing my day, but its good enough for you.
Oh yeah...well I did one of the most difficult things in the world to do, I told my best friend that I wasnt happy with something that she did. It was reminiscent of a fight, but i love her and she loves me and so I felt comfortable talkking to her. Huh, what...you wanna know what it was...well, it was a webpage problem with the "business" we have been trying to start. I had designed a webpage and so had she, but we pretty much had no choice and we had to use hers. That was a little frustrating, but after I talked to her I felt alot better. We decided that we would use hers and I came to the conclusion that we would just use hers. I decided that if it had gone the other way then she would have felt the same way. Plus, I see that she is doing everything she can to keep me happy, and I guess thats all I can ask for. i really got lucky finding her when i did. I know she is reading this, and i want her to know that i love her very much. That was all that happened yesterday.
Now today is a whole different story. I have realized that me ignoring a part of who I am on a daily basis is really bothering me. My husband knows that i like women, but like most men he feels that if I were with a woman I would be cheating on him. I don't want to cheat on him at all, but I do wish i could have a woman to stroke that side of me. I miss the feminity of it all...I miss the delicatenes, the gentleness. I think that may be why I have stopped "needing" sex like I used to. Its not that I dont love my husband, or that I dont love it when he touches me, because when he touches me gently, I love it, I relish in it. But when I know that he is coming at me with that THING, thats when I tense up. I wish I didnt have to deal with the penetration. When he rubs his face on mine I hate it...It is always so rough. I wish it was just soft, gentle, naked. I love to kiss him, I love the way we kiss.........but I hate the fact that his facial hair tickles my nose when we kiss.....There are just so many things I wish I could change. I look at him and I just feel this overwhelming feeling of love. I just never want to have sex with him. I do understand that he is a man and that men have certain needs, and that me as his wife, it is my job to take care of these needs. Sometimes i venture into chatrooms, and I talk to women, I send them pictures and they send me pictures, and that placates me for a little while, but they dont understand when I tell them that I cant act on any of my feelingds. that i am happily married, but that I just need to hear a female voice late at night, That I want manicured fingers to touch me in my most special places. GRRRRRRR...even talking about it is frustrating...I guess i have to go now. My husband wants sex...
Labels: confessions
Posted by ME at 8:18 PM
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Saturday, May 5, 2007
Long time no see...........
Hello all, I have been meaning to write and let everyone know how life has been, well, it has been interesting to say the least. I have made-up with my husband, who is not perfect, and whom, no longer want to be. He understands that I do not just sit around all day playing tiddly-winks and watching blues clues, and I understand that it is not easy being an employee/student/husabnd/father/best friend, and our marriage can only grow because of this revelation.
After all of this talking, we got kinda hungry so we decided to go out to dinner. Because of the boy we decided on a family friendly eatery called cece's. They offer an all you can eat pizza buffet which I absolutely loved while I was pregnant, and damn near put them out of business...Well...last night I couldn't eat. I then got upset and initiated myself into the most ghetto club ever...the stealing-food-from-an-all-u-can-eat-establishment. lol. I felt bad for like 3 hours even joking that I wanted to take it all back. But I felt much better when 2 am rolled around and I had pizza...yay!!!!!!!!!
The best friend that you have all heard about so much yelled at me for the past few days about not writing.....so I decided to stop in...but now I have to go play dominoes and maintain my legacy. I'll check in tomorrow.....I promise.
Posted by ME at 8:54 PM
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Wednesday, May 2, 2007
The perils of a higher education
Hello again,
Well, I am attempting to go back to school. This is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. After taking so much time off, I actually get physically nauseous when I even think about having to go back in to the real world. I have not been in school since May of 2005, and I have not worked since Nov. 2005. This makes almost 2 years of being at home with my son (either pregnant or being a mommy). I am not even excited about going back to school right now. I just know that the longer I stay out, the more I am going to want to spend time with my son. Just last week my husband and I had to go to a home buyer's meeting for 4 hours and I missed my son so much. What would I do when I had to stay away from him for hours at a time 2-3 times a week? I guess I have to do it though, whether i want to or not. My college GPA is lower than a 2.0 and that is whats causing so many problems for me. My plan was to go to another university, this one a state university as opposed to a private university as before. But they wont take a transfer student without having a 2.0...DUH!!!!! So my choices are to either have to go back to the school I went to before, which was ridiculously expensive, or go to a junior college.
I don't mind going back to the school I went to before so much, but the problem is that if I do try to do that i will not be able to get any loan assistance because my step mom screwed up my chances for that. It turns out that for months, maybe even a year I have been receiving letters and phone calls from the loan company requesting the money and what not. Since I have not heard any of this I have been put into default with my loans and I am so far behind that they want like 3,000 dollars all at once. there is no way I can pay that...Can you believe it? This is the same woman who ordered a credit card in my name and used it to make a payment for my education. This payment was in excess of my credit limit and was also so much that i couldn't pay it off. And you would think that since she was a woman who liked to be considered as my mother she would take a bot of responsibility for that...but no such luck. She told me, a college student without a job, to pay it off. This has set my credit into a downward spiral.
So, after this whole situation, I can not attend a regular college until I get this all straightened out, which would literally take me 6 months to a year, and every time I speak to the family they pressure me about school...Anyone have any advice...........still waiting............OK, I guess not. Well, again, thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I'll see you here...tomorrow, same place...different time.....TTYL.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
The perils of a higher education
Hello again,Well, I am attempting to go back to school. This is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. After taking so much time off, I actually get physically nauseous when I even think about having to go back in to the real world. I have not been in school since May of 2005, and I have not worked since Nov. 2005. This makes almost 2 years of being at home with my son (either pregnant or being a mommy). I am not even excited about going back to school right now. I just know that the longer I stay out, the more I am going to want to spend time with my son. Just last week my husband and I had to go to a home buyer's meeting for 4 hours and I missed my son so much. What would I do when I had to stay away from him for hours at a time 2-3 times a week? I guess I have to do it though, whether i want to or not. My college GPA is lower than a 2.0 and that is whats causing so many problems for me. My plan was to go to another university, this one a state university as opposed to a private university as before. But they wont take a transfer student without having a 2.0...DUH!!!!! So my choices are to either have to go back to the school I went to before, which was ridiculously expensive, or go to a junior college.
I don't mind going back to the school I went to before so much, but the problem is that if I do try to do that i will not be able to get any loan assistance because my step mom screwed up my chances for that. It turns out that for months, maybe even a year I have been receiving letters and phone calls from the loan company requesting the money and what not. Since I have not heard any of this I have been put into default with my loans and I am so far behind that they want like 3,000 dollars all at once. there is no way I can pay that...Can you believe it? This is the same woman who ordered a credit card in my name and used it to make a payment for my education. This payment was in excess of my credit limit and was also so much that i couldn't pay it off. And you would think that since she was a woman who liked to be considered as my mother she would take a bot of responsibility for that...but no such luck. She told me, a college student without a job, to pay it off. This has set my credit into a downward spiral.
So, after this whole situation, I can not attend a regular college until I get this all straightened out, which would literally take me 6 months to a year, and every time I speak to the family they pressure me about school...Anyone have any advice...........still waiting............OK, I guess not. Well, again, thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I'll see you here...tomorrow, same place...different time.....TTYL.
Labels: confessions
Posted by ME at 12:24 PM
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Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Happy May-day
Hello everyone, well, so far the deal between my best friend and I is working, i reminded her to write just now and we are doing it...yay...blogging together apart, its a miracle. Well, I spoke to my husband about his attitude lately and he only reinforced that it was stress. Something I kind of already knew, but its always nice to know for sure. Tonight i am going to try to put the boy to sleep in his own bed, I will let you know how it goes. I think that he is also missing his personal time with his wife. I'm trying to show him that I love him. This is going to be hard for both of us, but I want and need him to learn that he can do it, that he doesn't need mommy for everything. Wish me luck.
well, I think I may have to get out of the breast milk business, its lucrative and easy, but I am only dealing in perverts and weirdos. It isn't all that bad, but regular peoples attitudes are bad enough, when you get a mad man fiending for some booby juice things can get extremely hostile. But I don't know, like I said, It is easy money and free to supply...So I may have to rethink that.
Does anyone know what the significance of mayday is? I have no idea. The only thing I can remember about mayday is a story from kindergarten...wanna hear, OJ...since you asked so nicely. In my elementary there were only two kindergarten teachers. Mrs Mackey, and the other one....(can you guess which one I had?? lol) Well, my best friend at the time was in the other teachers class and I was in Mrs Mackey's class. The other teacher always did really fun things, like going on the teddy bear picnic, taking field trips to the big kid part of the school and even baking cookies...yeah, can you believe it, they baked cookies, and we were in the classroom right next door so we could smell all of the yummy cookies, but we couldn't bake...we had to freakin color or some other crap (can you tell I'm still a bit bitter?) The change came on Mayday. My teacher set up a Maypole on the kindergarten playground and only our class got to walk around the maypole. The other class (including that snivelling little brat Marquisa) all came outside to watch, and it felt great. They wanted to be us for once. The tables had turned. I mean hey, it wasn't cookies, but damnit we got the maypole. So, just remember (as I do) when people are trying to make you jealous or to make you feel like you aren't as good, that everyone will get their day on the maypole. TTYL
Labels: confessions
